The news of the recent feminist-centered changes to the temple has brought joy and rejoicing to many. That is important. It is valid. But it also brings sadness and grief to others. This, too, is important and valid.
These are steps forward. As one Mormon Feminist once shared with me, “Small changes that help address any existing inequality are like completing mile one of a never-ending marathon. But we have to start somewhere.”
I rejoice that we are completing Mile One.
I would like to share my thoughts about looking beyond to the miles we have yet to go. I am a survivor, as many women are, of insidious and horrific spiritual abuse, by church leaders and within personal relationships. I have felt massive amounts of sorrow, confusion, and pain in my journey to healing. I share this grief with many other survivors.
Earlier in my recovery, I attended a battered women’s group in a heavily populated LDS area. The majority of the women who were survivors of domestic abuse, also experienced damaging spiritual abuse within their relationships. These women were nearly all Mormon. They had seemingly shiny temple marriages, gorgeous wedding photos, Pinterest-worthy homes, children dressed in matching Sunday best; how perfect things looked from the outside. But, unbeknownst to even those closest to them, they suffered extreme and unimaginable amounts of religious-based abuse in their own homes, a place that is supposed to be safe and free of fear. This abuse was also often compounded by their church leaders, who, instead of protecting or helping these women, told them they needed to obey, honor, and heed unto their husbands, some even quoting portions of the endowment, sealing, or initiatory ceremonies and using scripture and quotes from prophets as proof for this unethical counsel. This spiritual abuse was often perpetuated and justified by temple language, doctrine, policies, and beliefs. It became apparent to me that the rituals, the ceremonies, and the ordinances of the temple enabled spiritual abuse towards women, sadly, in the context of eternal salvation, obedience, and righteousness.
I rejoice that abusive men may have less to language draw from the temple to rationalize abuse in these ways. I rejoice that the decision-makers decided to finally listen to the heartache that many women have held privately for years when it comes to the temple. I rejoice that women may feel more equal and see themselves as worthy and deserving of safety and peace. I rejoice that these changes may lead to more empowered women within the church.
But still I grieve. I grieve for the ones who were harmed. For the ones who were lost. For the ones who were forgotten about. For the ones who never felt this empowerment. For the ones who tried and tried, but were still abused, shamed, coerced, and manipulated. For the ones who wondered amidst this confusion, “Is this really what God wants for me?”
To magnify the exact gravity of the pain that still exists among many women and survivors, I ask these persisting questions to the same decision-makers who hold a multitude of future fates within their reach:
Can you take back the moment I first went through the temple with an alarmed and confused look in my eyes, wondering how I was the only one who felt this way?
Can you repair the mistrust I felt for those I respected for reinforcing misogyny?
Can you ease my need to forgive myself for those women I also led and were left alone, who surely had this same sorrow?
Can you give me back all the silent tears I cried thinking that I was the problem?
Can you replace the lost years of having no opinion because it wasn’t valued anyway?
Can you rewrite all those situations I willingly settled for sexism?
Can you erase all those moments I felt unimportant and less than because I am a woman in a system where I come last?
Can you remove the torment I felt for so long because I was the wrong type of Mormon who had issues with the temple?
Can you give me back all the time I spent trying to make it work despite my dissonance, convinced that this was God’s way?
Can you give me back those moments that unrighteous dominion was exercised over me and undo the palpable powerlessness I felt in those situations?
Can you acknowledge the moment that I realized that the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving?
Can you replace the community I lost because I finally chose my safety over my religion?
Can you remedy all of the now-tainted memories of nuancing the notions away to nothingness?
Can you erase the shame I felt when the bishop told me I needed to be a better wife and mother instead of being prideful and perseverating on issues of inequality?
Can you give me back those countless occasions that my own covenants were coercively used against me?
Can you extract those times I dared to speak from of place of vulnerability about my personal pain with the temple, which only further alienated me from the faithful women who saw no issues?
Can you rectify that awful feeling I felt when I realized that I gave away my eternal existence to a man who hopefully would choose to yield righteous authority over me, if there even is such a thing?
Can you replace the principle that I must outsource my own authority to another person?
Can you release the bishop who told me to always hearken to a man, even in abuse, because my temple covenants said so?
Can you acknowledge that the hurt and pain my family (and many others) have endured is everlasting and irreparable?
Can you provide inclusion in these rites and rituals for our LGBTQ sisters and brothers?
Can you address the continued existence of male-centered polygamy, male-only priesthood, and male-dominated leadership?
Can you address the underlying problems of the policies/doctrine rather than treating the symptoms of it?
Can you do even one of these things?
No. You can’t. Or you won’t.
Yet, here I am, strangely, happily acknowledging Mile One. Assessing the miles to go. Hurting at thoughts of what other traumas lie upon our alter. Forsaken by signs and traumatized by tokens. Unable to shield myself from the problems. No longer willing to veil my face to the issues. Clothed in the robes of righteous indignation. Still seeking further light and knowledge on the senselessness of so much spiritual suffering.
Lesley A. Butterfield
Lesley holds an RN, BSN from the University of Texas. Lesley has authored several published articles across a variety of platforms and is a frequent media contributor. She functions as a Community Health Nurse for vulnerable populations and serves as a survivor advocate for victims of abuse. She aims to raise awareness of the effects of trauma on individuals and how trauma impacts community systems. Lesley has certifications and training in Trauma-Informed Care, Community Advocacy, Faith and Spiritual Development, Familial Mental Health, Culturally Competent Care, Domestic Violence Awareness, and Resiliency Development. Lesley lives in Virginia with her 4 children and her really hyper chihuahua, named Chaos.
All posts by Lesley A. Butterfield
“Bow your head and say yes.”
So I applaud the changes as well as the previous language and required covenants required women to consent to a subservient role and justified women treated unequally and was oft used by abusive men to support their abuse.
To say that the changes accomplished all feminists would hope for is not true.
Mormon theology describes a feminine divine oft with pedistalized reverence. The changes do not give more information not a place for the feminine part of Elohim who created male and female on their image. “Heavenly mother” as LDS have identified the feminine divine is still apparently absent from the Godhead and the temple creation myth. Many LDS women had hoped to learn more about their eternal destiny and divine role as god’s with their husbands in celestial exaltation when they got to the temple to learn the most sacred truths for which they protected their chastity and paid their tithes to qualify to enter oft just before marrying a worthy priesthood holder, only to find the feminine divine not only completely absent, but that her husband was representing the Lord pulling her thru the veil after she has to ask him permission to enter his presence having sworn obedience to him as if he were god.
The language and covenants have apparently been changed so they both pledge to obey God which if better, but she still has to request her husband to bring her thru and gets to reign with him in the new and everlasting covenant.
The difficulty comes when she asks the next question, “what is the new and everlasting covenant?” And that leads directly back to priesthood which she has not been ordained to (although some argue she received with robes and anointing and pledges) and more difficult is that the new and everlasting covenant is most defined in D&C 132 where in context of the current canonized text of the revelation and historical prophetic teachings is clearly a polygamist relationship where she can approve of different additional sister wives or risk being destroyed.
The current church has amended the meaning to be eternal marriage of a man and women (single or plural wife (wives) [see President Nelson and President Oaks] and attempts to ignore the plural aspect as we don’t allow plurality for living spouses and it also would like to ignore that current policy leaves no room for LGBTQ couples.
But the new and everlasting covenant clearly still puts women in precarious positions not knowing if they are going to be monogamous or have sister wives in the eternity. Furthermore, their role as queens with their husband’s as kings in celestial exaltation is not clearly defined and the temple even with its revisions doesn’t help define what to expect for the best Heaven if they achieve it. There seems to be the expectation of creating spirit bodies for intelligences thru some sort of celestial body pregnancy, but when women do the math, like some early apostles did, the amount of time they would spend pregnant even with one day gestation and 100 sister wives to help populate the earth’s history of people is still nearly incomprehensible in the billions of days pregnant and the task of being a good mother to attend to the emotional needs of that many children and to do it for “eternity upon eternity” may make some women consider opting for a lesser kingdom and a “TK Smoothie” as Bill Reel is fond of joking. Much less having to put up with having to get along with the man they picked in a BYU singles ward at age 20 forever, somehow may not seem like their idea of gaining divinity status.
When one looks at the LDS temple and any modern canonized revelation and tries to discern what it says about women and how they fit in the plan, it is a mass of confusion or women really are second class appendages to the divine male. The oath and covenant of the priesthood whereby men are promised all God Has will be there’s and they are elevated to divine status, clearly applies to MEN and only to men who have obtained and are faithful in the Melchizedek Priesthood. The closest women get to the Melchizedek priesthood is putting on its symbolic robes in the temple, but even why the they do that is not explained.
No this is not the awaited for change detailing their part in the plan of salvation or what amounts to Mormon theology, the promised more information at the end of the infamous D&C 132 is yet awaited to be revealed and my guess is it won’t come till women can receive revelation.
The harm caused by disrespect and maltreatment of women and from the inherent sexism of LDS teachings and culture is not addressed in the temple changes. In fact the church statement doesn’t acknowledge the issues or why changes were made much less take responsibility.
If you study the teachings of Joseph Smith you will find a statement that spirits have always existed and there was no creation of spirits. Therefore I don’t believe in any such thing as giving birth to spirit children. Brigham Young also stated that Adam and Eve’s bodies were created in the same way ours were created and that there is no other way to do it. Therefore I believe the only pregnancy an exalted woman would have would be to start the population of a new planet such as when our heavenly parents created Adam and Eve.
In regard to the oath and covenant of the priesthood, a man can not be exalted without his wife so all the promised blessings apply equally to his wife.
Oh my, oh my, oh my.
Oh my what?
There is no recourse for the abused male in the relationship. Abusive men are usually discovered to the surprise of everyine else. “He was such a nice guy, I cant believe this”. Abusive women wear that right out on their sleeve and nobody NOBODY says or does anything about it.
If a man grows a spine and defends hinself from his psycho wife, what does she do? Play the victim card.
‘He was so abusive, blah blah blah’.
Oh please.
So no, I dont feel bad or empthy for the feminist cause. It has done more damage to society as a whole and young men and women individually than abusive men ever have.
Absent father? Mother probably has a court order against him.
Got a divorce? Over 80% are filed by women and of all divorces, 94% the mother keeps the kids and takes their fathers money. Yeah. I feel for you.
Perhaps if women acted like ladies and not 21st century cunts, I would agree to their plight.
But they dont, by and large. Finding a femine, lady-like woman is the exception rather than the rule.
I bring this up since feminists love talking about equality. Here is a healthy dose of it.
I think many feminists will not be happy until they can get their husband pregnant and he bares the children.
Men and women are not the same and can never have totally equal roles.
If “he bares the children,” I hope he is arrested for subjecting them to indecent exposure.
Well, Lesley, that came right from the heart, and it brings to mind a major concern I have about certain teachings in the restored church. Yes, I believe in the divine origins of the church including the First Vision, the visits by Moroni, the gift of God in translating the Book of Mormon, the divine calling of Joseph Smith, the three witnesses, authority in the church, etc.
However, when I look at some of the teachings that came forth after the organization of the church, I find myself wondering if Joseph didn’t fall into an entitlement trap. By entitlement trap, I mean this: Did Joseph, based on his early amazing interactions with heaven, fall into a trap wherein he began to feel that his impressive spiritual past meant that whenever impressions came into his mind about gospel issues, they were automatically from God. After all, he, Joseph, was the Lord’s prophet and was entitled to receive revelation. I say this based on personal “spiritual” experiences or insights that, in hindsight, weren’t what I thought. Specifically, I wonder if some of Joseph’s thoughts about plural marriage and temples were simply thoughts that he felt good about but that weren’t inspired at all. Keep in mind that he felt really good about banking in Kirtland until it turned into a disaster.
Speaking of women and God, I like the fact that some Christians view Mary Magdalene as the apostle to the apostles. Jesus may have been closer to her than any of the apostles, and she was the first to see the risen Lord. It is also interesting to note that some Christians believe that Magdalene’s prominent stature among the followers of Christ may have been threatening to Peter. Thinking about this, I think I’ll sign off and go listen to two songs by Kris Kristofferson on YouTube: “Magdalene” and “Lights of Magdala.”
Feminism is right to stand up to patriarchal tyranny, but what happens to the Matriarch influences everyone.
Sadly I am a child, a son, who witnessed his mother in an abusive relationship and had the leaders encourage my mother to “just be a good wife”. I know their doctrines teaches “amen to their priesthood” and discuss unrighteous Dominion, but sadly that is the issue that is crippling mother’s, daughters and sons.
I loved you writing and I hope it penetrates hearts. They have a lot to address without looking like their God doesn’t lead through revelation.
It’s all made up and the points don’t matter. And that’s the saddest part. Women abdicated their free agency for what? Even if a man uses his authority benevolently, womens progress and personal growth is stunted in the narrow gender roles of patriarchy.