I normally have multiple people edit the tone of my blog posts, but today I am going raw. This is the uncut, uncensored version straight out of my aching heart. I wrote a blog post titled: Christ is Not Leading a Petty Church. And I want to expand on those ideas, by addressing not pettiness but spinning. Being a parent has taught me a lot about spin, and how to stick to half accurate definitions, and maintain legalistic positions in the face of mounting evidence that one had done wrong.
An example:
Me: I told you not to hit your sister again .
A: I didn’t.
B: Yes, yes, yes you did.
A: No, I didn’t hit you.
B: Yes you did.
Me: How did she get this mark?
A: Well, hitting is done with an open hand. I used my fist; therefore, I did not ‘hit’ her. I punched her, and you said no hitting.
B: That is still HITTING!!!!
And in “la-la land,” I am like “Oh, Never mind, I see the wisdom of your logic, it’s ok. Now go play.”
– But, in reality, there is no sober parent on this earth that would accept that as a valid excuse. It’s simply absurd.
Yet I find it completely and utterly horrifying when religious leaders try to use this to justify their actions. When Elder Oaks said that the LDS Church does not apologize, and then followed it up with the idea that it was because the word ‘apology’ does not appear in the English scriptures, it somehow justified his position and his refusal to acknowledge that what he did was wrong–because calling it counterproductive does not cut it.
This summer, I spent a few weeks reading through the history of the treatment of gay members of the LDS church. There were times when I just had to sit and sob and eat a lot of ice cream. The history is shocking and horrifying beyond my ability to articulate. I cannot imagine having to have lived through that kind of a literal hell. Because quite frankly, I think allowing zealot researchers to preform electroshock therapy at BYU demands an apology–and not just in private but in public.
While “apology” does not appear verbatim in the KJV and, therefore, he feels it excuses him from doing it, is just pure nasty spin. The scriptures are full of examples of apology, repentance, and forgiveness. Has he never read the Sermon on the Mount? In addition, there are real examples of leaders who apologized and reversed their decisions thereby altering history. For example, the story of Tamar and Judah is filled with what one would call counterproductive choices that were oddly bound by laws, customs, and privileges of the time. But, when Judah prepared to execute Tamar and she presented him with counter evidence, he repented and spared her life. In addition it is recorded that he said she could she had been more righteous than him. If he had burned Tamar, he would have altered the line of David and the lineage of Jesus. And while one could argue that that God’s work will always go forward it, can clearly be slowed by unrepentant people.
In addition it is clear that apology is vital to all healthy relationships; this is basic interpersonal intelligence. It’s like the second thing we teach little kids after ‘hello’. If a marriage reflected how Elder Oaks described the church, I would classify that relationship as abusive. I cannot imagine what a marriage and family therapist’s reaction would be if a person walked into counseling and said, “I don’t seek apologies, and I don’t offer them.” What does one even do with someone who is unwilling to change and continues to engage in damaging behavior? I guess, maybe, the divorce papers should be handed to the other party.
Elder Oaks’ repeated use of “legalistic loopholes,” to justify his un-Christian behavior is abhorrent. While I am fully aware that other organizations spin and use legal jargon to squeeze past the moral line, I do not teach my children to get their morality from corporate America. It is becoming more difficult for me to see how, in good conscience, I could ever hold these men up as spiritual examples for my children. I want to teach my children faith and goodness, not to spin and control. I firmly believe that spinning the word of God to harm other people has been and always will be a sin because it is counterproductive to the work of God.
Here is a quick sampling of relevant scriptures, but, mostly, the principles are found in the beautifully complex stories found through out the Bible.
James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
Matthew 5:23-24 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Luke 17:3-4 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Matthew 12:25 Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Psalm 34:13 Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
Jessica Finnigan
Jessica is a Master's Student at King's College London, where she studies religion in the contemporary world. She recently completed an advanced Diploma in Religious Studies at the University of Cambridge. She earned a Bachelors from BYU in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. She is married to her best friend, and they have 4 daughters.
All posts by Jessica Finnigan
I found his ‘it’s not in the bible’ claim fascinating! I immediately thought- Is he really going there??? Because SO much in the mormon church is not in the Bible!
Thank you so much for this post. I was quite disturbed by Elder Oaks yesterday with his we won’t apologize position. He not only sounded very unchristlike, but he came across as really quite ugly. It reminded me how legalistic twisting of words can frequently be so damaging as people try to defend certain actions based on very contrived wording. I see the scriptures as teaching very different principles, and Jesus frequently warned against this in the NT.
It didn’t make sense to me either. Especially since there have been times when the LDS church has apologized. Such as for the Mountain Meadows massacre, and the apology issues to the Jewish community when they found out a baptism for the dead had been done for Anne Frank etc.
But I digress. I will accept his explanation, because that means a lot of things. Such as a 3 hour church block isn’t in the scriptures, won’t be sad to see that go!
Had the question posed to Elders Holland or President Uchtdorf, I would bet the answer would have been remarkably different in tone.
Great post! Unfortunately Brother Oaks has given the world an example of Mormon arrogance rather than compassion. The leadership can’t apologize because it would indicate that they were wrong which would mean that God is wrong since he supposedly is guiding the church on a daily basis.
I have been pondering the concept of apology for the last several weeks since discussing with a family therapist the nature of apology. He said something to me that strikes me as a true principle: apologies are important and good to offer, but if the one to whom the apology is given isn’t willing to do his or her part to forgive and heal from the wound, the apology falls flat no matter how sincerely it is offered.
I often wonder if those clamoring for an apology from the institution can even really accept one. It takes a desire to accept, it takes empathy to try to understand where the other side is coming from in order to experience the healing. Healing is a hard and complicated process that requires more from the one hurting in many cases, and apologies won’t heal you. They help, but they don’t complete the healing. I have pondered on how integral the atonement is to heal hurting. The actions of others can’t heal us, and in many ways, we can think there is no way we can heal our individual hurts either, and so we must look elsewhere, to a hope in a faith in Christ, and what we hope he can do for us–what love, hope, and forgiveness can do for us.
Amen.
To apologize is to explain, to offer an excuse, to say, “I did it, but it was (only) because…”. There’s an admission that you did something, but it doesn’t go any farther than that; in fact it seeks to distract and mollify the other’s wrath with soothing reasons and justifications.
To say, “I’m sorry” is to talk about yourself. “I feel bad that I caused you this pain (so just get over it because i don’t like feeling bad!)”, or “I wish you didn’t feel so bad (because then i could feel perfectly justified, couldn’t I?)”.
To say, “Forgive me” is to place yourself and your evil act squarely in the hands of another whom you have offended and whose right to be incensed and hurt and closed to you from now on forever, you fully recognize. You acknowledge that they have no *obligation* to forgive you, and that your life hangs by a thread that they would be fully justified in cutting, and to ask for mercy. It is so much harder. Try it!
Oakes is right. “Apologies” are not found in the Bible, because “apologies” are about preserving one’s own dignity despite having sinned. Nor is “sorry” found there, because it’s all about *me*, and the Bible is not, not! all about *me*!
Somebody should point out to this religious leader, however, that asking *forgiveness* is a command *and an expectation* found on every single page of the New and Old Testaments. Quite often, it’s even explicit.
Adding to what Emily said, above, perhaps people don’t accept apologies because apologies not actually invite forgiveness. They invite further evaluation, and hence further judgment by the offended person. “I reject your flimsy excuses, you lying sack a shit!”
To ask forgiveness is to stand naked before the other whom I have offended and to say, “I have done this and that, I have offended you, you have every right to strike me down and cast me away, but please, have mercy and restore me to your favor!”
The Gospels recommend that we do this even when the fault is not ours, and most certainly when it is.
If the other refuses to forgive, that’s up to them. But the ball is in their court on honest terms, as it should be, and you’re inviting their graciousness and compassion. Most of us want to be the best we can, at least once we get somewhat past our hurt, so most of us, when asked directly, will forgive and, in doing so, will allow ourselves to be reconciled.
Apologies do not seek the other’s love, but seek rather to justify.
Asking forgiveness means making yourself entirely dependent on the other’s love— which may be withheld!
That’s what makes it hard, but that’s exactly the point.
I get the stickiness of apologies, but I am a firm believer in accepting responsibility. That is what I still don’t hear – responsibility for actions that have marginalized others.
I get the idea from a legal standpoint that the church doesn’t want to perform same-gender marriages. I understand if they choose to endorse an opinion on a legal issue such as abortion. We strive for life if possible, so I get a Prop 8 effort in a sense. (Don’t go wild on me).
What I don’t get is the lack of reflection that words, both written and spoken, by much of church leadership influenced people – LDS and non- to discriminate, marginalize, and reject others. As an organization there is direct connection.
In my experience when people acknowledge their part or are willing to see another point of view, especially when deep hurt has occurred, healing happens. Whether that is in the form of forgiveness, apology, abandoning actions – whatever.
If Elder Oaks position represents the churches, then we have a long way to go.
For me having the faith to forgive also has a long way to go.
Great response, Jessica!
I hadn’t thought about it this way until reading your thoughts. What else do you expect from a lawyer? I remember being disappointed when I learned of his response and it is something I “chew on” every one and a while as I process different things I am reading. Ultimately, I think what I am hearing is “We don’t want to admit we screwed up and we are just moving forward because really we don’t know how we could be wrong because we are the Lord’s Apostles and there should be no way we should be wrong.”