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In this episode of “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist” Brian and Laurel talk with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife about how to raise children, particularly our daughters, to own their sexuality; the second question is in concern of worthiness interviews with a Bishop, either with a young person or with an adult female.
I mentioned this video of Julia Sweeney’s experience having “The Talk” with her daughter.
Jennifer suggested Your Body Belongs to You as guidance for young kids.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a psychotherapist who focuses on issues surrounding female sexuality and feminism within the LDS framework. She holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from Boston College where she wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality. She has taught college-level classes on human sexuality and currently has a private therapy practice in Chicago. In her private practice, she primarily works with LDS couples on sexuality and relationship issues. She also teaches online courses to LDS couples on these issues. She is married, has three kids, and is an active member of the LDS church.
Be Sure to check out Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s site for her online courses including How to talk to your (LDS) kids about sex: Fostering healthy development in a sex-saturated age as well as her other online courses.
If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to askdrfife@rationalfaiths.com
Music: Sugar Blues (Pubic Domain)
So helpful! Thank you for this insightful and thought provoking interview.
So helpful! Thank you for this insightful and thought provoking interview.
Jennifer: I am serving in the bishopric and as I was interviewing a young lady for a temple recommend we came to the question, “Has there been any sin or misdeed in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but has not?” The young lady looked at me confused and asked, “What do you mean? – what sins should be resolved with priesthood?” The HB1 for priesthood leaders has only a few paragraphs on counseling and interviewing. It says you should discuss matters in the For the strength of Youth pamphlet, and gives a laundry list of modesty, avoiding porn, fulfilling assignments, bad language, etc. I was at a loss as to what to say as I did not want to ask wrong questions, the interviewer “ensures that the discussion does not encourage curiosity or experimentation.” I asked the bishop who has only been serving for 5 months, and he said I needed to review the sexual purity section of the ForthestrengthofYouth pamphlet with her. I just told her that it would be best to discuss these matters with her parents. Which was a cop out. Any idea what this temple recommend question means? When I have interviewed for a temple recommend the stake president has asked all kinds of questions related to the law of chastity and certainly did not stick with the questions in the book.
I can’t find anywhere that bishops or stake presidents are restricted to what questions they can ask. I am sure that the FP and Q12 know that leaders add questions, but they do not appear to be stopping it. This frustrates me as I think some of these questions have caused a lot of damage to my son. What can I do?
On another topic, I absolutely disagree with Scott Roskelley that it is a cop out to refer children to their parents. I think you did exactly the right thing.
AM, Looking back I feel good about recommending she go to her parents for advice, it’s just that looking forward I don’t know what to do – as she was asking the question to me her priesthood leader as to what sins or misdeeds needed to be disclosed to [me]. I was just lost as to what to do. I have asked the stake presidency when I was recently called for more training on how to conduct temple recommend interviews, particularly questions 5, 7, and 13. After 6months – absolutely no training on spiritual counseling or interviewing. My current bishop (bless him) is a technology sales rep and has no training on these matters, so I don’t feel right about just going forward and asking questions on sexual purity from the FtheSofY as he recommended – as the booklet has big flaws. I feel like parents should work these out with the children first, then come to priesthood leaders for insight on how they worked through mistakes and flaws hand in hand with the grace of Christ. Not they we have any superior knowledge just another view on how God moved us.
AM,
Teaching children that their bodies belong to them – YES! I confess that I have failed on this too much: “go give grandma and grandpa a hug.” Yes, I’ve perpetuated that, and in a culture of obedience and deference, it is very hard to resist.
I’m reminded of a good article by John Holt about respecting children. I think it relates to respecting women too, since the seeds of objectification are sown in childhood by demanding that children bear our projections:
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/john_holt4.html
I really appreciate these podcasts. My one concern from this particular conversation, was the suggestion of the system change (in time) of having teenage girls initially take their sexual mistakes/concerns to Young Women leaders. I really liked Dr. Fife-Finlayson's analogy of the obgyn visit – I, too, adore my male obgyn, but always appreciate having a female nurse in attendance during exams. However, though I definitely see the potential for mistakes or imbalance of power issues in interviews with a bishop, I think that potential for poor judgment/counsel/over-stepping bounds is just as possible with YW leaders. Bishops do make mistakes, but they are generally "vetted" more thoroughly prior to being asked to serve, and are given rigorous mandates of confidentiality, and longer-term commitments to serve. We would need similar safeguards in place if YW leaders were to become the first touchstone for counsel. My daughter (who is) 14 has some YW leaders who are strong, kind, and wise, but others are neurotic, uninvested and flaky. A few YW leaders I've observed over the years seem to enjoy drama and over-involvement in the teens' lives, and occasionally indulge confidences. It is a potential can of worms unless 1 YW leader (perhaps the president) was similarly vetted, trained, and committed to longer-term service. All that said (and it was a lot, sorry!), I plan to implement the advice to go over temple recommend/worthiness questions with our kids, and possibly to visit with our bishop prior to him meeting with our kids. As a teen, I dreaded bishop's interviews – they felt very awkward, so the struggle is real.