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In this episode of “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist“, Laurel and Brian talk with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife on the topics of teaching young women about the Law of Chastity and the problem of pornography. CONTENT WARNING!!! During the pornography discussion we talk about demeaning pornography, and sex trafficking.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a psychotherapist who focuses on issues surrounding female sexuality and feminism within the LDS framework. She holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from Boston College where she wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality. She has taught college-level classes on human sexuality and currently has a private therapy practice in Chicago. In her private practice, she primarily works with LDS couples on sexuality and relationship issues. She also teaches online courses to LDS couples on these issues. She is married, has three kids, and is an active member of the LDS church.
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If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to askdrfife@rationalfaiths.com
Wow! This is all kinds of wonderful!
I really like how both topics work together. As a man, I want a woman who would embrace, cherish, and use her sexuality to bless her life and then, to whatever degree she’d like, to bless my life. I imagine that women would want the same. The profound anxiety related to sexuality could be the terrible outcome of using guilt and fear to regulate, control behavior. It is as if we used the devil’s tools—shame, fear, manipulation—to do the Lord’s work.
There was also a discussion about responding, about thinking about what one is responding to. It might be helpful for some to do what I do. When I see something arousing, I run this little mantra through my mind:
I don’t want sex.
I want friendship
With someone that likes me
And would rather be with me than (just about) anyone
And likes to hold my hand
And talk with me
And sometimes kiss me
And seems like she could talk and laugh with me forever
And who shares an exclusive commitment with me
And Intimacy
And who I can arouse
And who finds pleasure and joy in arousing me
And with whom I can share orgasm to bless my life
And to bless her life
Forever
That is what I want
Shawn,
Just one important corrective of your mantra: yes, you *do* want sex. AND you want friendship and those other things too. Don’t deny that you do want sex, because that is included in all the other things you mention about arousal and such.
Kevin Winters,
Heh….agreed. My thoughts exactly.
First, I found your podcast of great interest and value. I would like to see you emphasize more about teaching young women their power and refusal skills. I have found that many young women who have positive values about their chastity, Still are likely to freeze when faced with a sexual situation. They do not know refusal skills, and they do not feel that they have the power to use them. Thus, they end up acceding to the demands of young man, even though it violates their values. The exercise as described in the laurels class examples were valuable, but I don’t feel they provide sufficient power to build in young women the capacity to defend themselves and determine their course in these situations. In regards to the discussion of pornography, I feel that it would be valuable to differentiate between the kinds of pornography that appeal to men and two women. In my experience man are much more visually aroused, but women are rails buy things that they read and imagine, and buy the things that they are exposed to in chat rooms. I have had Many LDS women confess to becoming aroused by articles that they read in cosmopolitan while they were waiting to have their hair colored. They were never aroused by Visual pornography, but they did not realize the damage that they were doing to their Core spirituality by what they were reading in romance novels or in magazines. By Fortifying women with this information we may be able to reduce Core shame, of which they do not understand the source. Thank you again for a well-done podcast and a thoughtful look at this important subject.
Just a suggestion, if you are going to talk about pornography you may want to research it a lot more, very complicated. Did not enjoy this podcast.
jj,
Please help us understand where you disagree with us on the discussion we had on pornography. Please be specific and also point us towards any articles that you think constitute as proper research material in the area of pornography.
Thank you so much for this! Basically everything that was said sums up how I feel. I’m an aspiring sex therapist and this was very insightful. I think the way we teach about sex is SO important! Having a positive, healthy view of sex and your own body is so essential. I feel like there’s a movement of change when it comes to the way sex is taught in our culture. Thanks again!
I am confused. I hear your perspective on healthy self exploration (masturbation), but the LDS church has given a very straightforward instructions to Not participate in masturbation. You can find it in the church handbook of ‘A parents guide- teaching adolescents’. I don’t seek to argue, only to understand. What you said makes sense and would have been helpful in establishing my own sexuality as a adolescent before marriage- but I am also torn, because of what I’ve been taught and what church leaders have stated regarding masturbation (even for the purpose of self exploitation).
Hey ML,
I’ve also felt some confusion. A few things to entertain thoughts around this: (1) I don’t really see “A parent’s guide” as part of the church handbook–at least in the sense that the word “handbook” is used in the church. What I mean is that the church publishes two handbooks that are regularly updated, handbook 2 being available to the public. While “A parent’s guide” is still on their website, I’m curious if the church would rewrite this differently today…which brings me to my next thought.
(2) “A parents guide” was published in 1985. While prophetic statements often last a lifetime, we also have a healthy list of things prophets/apostles have had to recant as the church has evolved. The book quotes David McKay, almost exclusively. In other words, multiple prophets haven’t really harped on this–and David McKay has some interesting quotes in this space that I doubt would fly in 2017. For example, McKay asserts that masturbation leads to homosexuality (covered by rationalfaiths here: http://rationalfaiths.com/timeline-of-mormon-thinking-about-homosexuality/). Would the church let him say that today? I doubt it.
I have been unable to find anything in more modern church publications on masturbation, specifically. For instance, the term does not appear in handbook 2. Discussion on sexual purity is fairly clear that the church expects that individuals are free from sexual “relationships”. You could argue either way whether that includes yourself of not.
In the end, I have to believe that doing what blesses our lives and our family is the litmus test. From this viewpoint, I believe there is room for some/all people to embrace Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s view of sexual exploration.
Good luck sorting it out for yourself.
I really liked the portions on teaching youth (YW). Do you have any documentation or materials that could be used or shared for assisting in teaching?
“Avoid situations that invite increased temptation, such as late-night or overnight activities away from home or activities where there is a lack of adult supervision. Do not participate in discussions or any media that arouse sexual feelings. Do not participate in any type of pornography. The Spirit can help you know when you are at risk and give you the strength to remove yourself from the situation. Have faith in and be obedient to the righteous counsel of your parents and leaders.” From the Strength of Youth Pamphlet