General Conference is the Super Bowl of Mormonism. It’s news making and newsworthy for the entire Mormon world. Here are my best guesses for next Monday morning’s headlines:
- “Family,” “Sabbath,” “marriage” key squares in area boy’s Bingo victory.
- After April 2015 debacle, area servers prepared for deluge of customers 15 minutes before end of priesthood session.
- Local High Priest’s excuses for leaving conference during all four talks by women improved this year, rebellious granddaughter reports.
- In Our Opinion: Diversity well highlighted by camera operator panning across choir members during closing song.
- Our top ten favorite Emergency Essentials General Conference commercials.
- Mormon liberal giddy at conference mention of global warming.
- Church PR department says Area Authority Seventy global warming mention was metaphor meant to illustrate demise of natural family.
- Investigation confirms Elders Quorum President’s conference notepad not actually full of spiritual insights.
- Husband watched Priesthood Session online this year, “kindly urged me to leave the room” wife reports.
- Local family rushes back from child’s soccer game for President Uchtdorf’s foreign name pronunciation.
- Three new Apostles welcomed in LDS General Conference, recount stories about shared southern Idaho hometown.
- Dozens of photogenic children sit on grass, benches last weekend in hopes of appearing in stock conference Ensign photos.
- New poll shows Ordain Women demonstration entirely changed all members’ opinions on women, priesthood.
- Local Laurel questioned over use of cell phone during Saturday Afternoon session, claims only opened Scripture App.
- Executive Secretary nervous, unsure if ward obtained written consent before redistributing conference broadcast.
- Local Priest’s Quorum president can’t stop talking about between-session documentary playing in background during Sunday lunch.
- Report suggests healthy treats left over, bowls of candy corn completely empty after Sunday Afternoon session.
- Area Mia Maid stayed awake for three talks in a row, proud of new conference PR.
- Local man relies on friend’s “strong meme game” to catch up on missed talks.
- Area family still reeling, shocked at conference talk on protecting the family: “I had no idea it was that important” mother says.
-Use of term “beloved” to describe wife surges 45%, report confirms
-Republican family members cite neck pain after vigorous nodding during Oaks’ talk
-Area single woman surprised to find she’s pitied for inability to wed underemployed,emotionally stunted men in YSA ward
-Family patriarch notes that conference “especially good this time” for seventh year in a row
-Salt Lake Bishop found at local Walmart during Saturday morning session.
-Swooning over President Uchtdorf drops dramatically after he calls Saturday morning the “first” session.
Hilarious–especially the last one.
These are hilarious, Jeff!