General Conference is the Super Bowl of Mormonism. It’s news making and newsworthy for the entire Mormon world. Here are my best guesses for next Monday morning’s headlines:

  1. “Family,” “Sabbath,” “marriage” key squares in area boy’s Bingo victory.
  2. After April 2015 debacle, area servers prepared for deluge of customers 15 minutes before end of priesthood session.
  3. Local High Priest’s excuses for leaving conference during all four talks by women improved this year, rebellious granddaughter reports.
  4. In Our Opinion: Diversity well highlighted by camera operator panning across choir members during closing song.
  5. Our top ten favorite Emergency Essentials General Conference commercials.
  6. Mormon liberal giddy at conference mention of global warming.
  7. Church PR department says Area Authority Seventy global warming mention was metaphor meant to illustrate demise of natural family.
  8. Investigation confirms Elders Quorum President’s conference notepad not actually full of spiritual insights.
  9. Husband watched Priesthood Session online this year, “kindly urged me to leave the room” wife reports.
  10. Local family rushes back from child’s soccer game for President Uchtdorf’s foreign name pronunciation.
  11. Three new Apostles welcomed in LDS General Conference, recount stories about shared southern Idaho hometown.
  12. Dozens of photogenic children sit on grass, benches last weekend in hopes of appearing in stock conference Ensign photos.
  13. New poll shows Ordain Women demonstration entirely changed all members’ opinions on women, priesthood.
  14. Local Laurel questioned over use of cell phone during Saturday Afternoon session, claims only opened Scripture App.
  15. Executive Secretary nervous, unsure if ward obtained written consent before redistributing conference broadcast.
  16. Local Priest’s Quorum president can’t stop talking about between-session documentary playing in background during Sunday lunch.
  17. Report suggests healthy treats left over, bowls of candy corn completely empty after Sunday Afternoon session.
  18. Area Mia Maid stayed awake for three talks in a row, proud of new conference PR.
  19. Local man relies on friend’s “strong meme game” to catch up on missed talks.
  20. Area family still reeling, shocked at conference talk on protecting the family: “I had no idea it was that important” mother says.

Jeff Swift is married to a registered nurse, and is a fan of playing duplos with her and their two boys. He has lived in Provo, New York City, Bulgaria, North Carolina, and California. He's into politics, the interwebs, good debates, and soccer. He also blogs at mormonpress.com.

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