I was going to write about why Middle-Way Mormonism is awesome, but complaining is a lot easier. I was also going to write a sizable introduction with all of the nuance and balance that you would expect from someone trying to make a middle-way work. I took the easy route and wrote about the parts that suck instead.
- Say goodbye to leadership callings
If word gets out that you are a “doubter” or a “questioner” you will no longer get the big callings in the church. You might make it as high as Elder’s Quorum President. You are not going to become the next President of the Church. Church leaders probably won’t consciously discriminate, but you can count on their inspiration leading them in a different direction. The guy who won’t shut up about the evils of gay marriage has a much better chance.
- Church is boring
So bored.
This affects believers as well as non-believers, of course. Everyone knows that the biggest difficulty in missionary work is not Blacks and the Priesthood, but boring investigators to death. However, the true believers have the benefit of knowing that their eternal salvation is at stake. Once I rejected that idea, going to church suddenly feels even less enticing.
- Lack of closure
When someone joins Mormonism they join a new faith community and start attending new meetings and are baptized a member. If a person leaves Mormonism they stop attending church or even resign completely. All of these are ritual acts that show the change you have made. What happens when you shift to being a liberal-Mormon or a non-believer who remains for community and family reasons? You go back to church the next Sunday. I sometimes feel the need to stop attending church meetings for no other reason than to feel like I’ve done something. My beliefs have been changing drastically over the past few years, but everyone at church still kind of seems the same. There is no ritual to demonstrate my change, or non-literal Sunday School class to go to during the second hour. Maybe if I just send a letter to President Monson he’ll reveal the “I’m a liberal now” ordinance in the next General Conference.
President Monson is not amused.
- Your integrity is questioned
The believers at church think you no longer believe truth claims because you are sinning or haven’t been praying and reading your
scriptures hard enough. Ex-Mormons think you’re just looking for excuses to add a few “sins” like drinking tea and still holding on to a few dumb beliefs because you’re not ready to see the whole truth yet. If you make too many comments in church meetings or ask a few too many questions you may be accused of being a wolf in sheep’s clothing, as has happened to me: http://rationalfaiths.com/went-nephi-korihor/ You would know if I was in sheep’s clothing, because I look damn good in wool. If your family becomes uncomfortable with your changing beliefs it may lead to difficult conversations or love bombing.
- Your silence is appreciated
Church leaders don’t want you to talk about “doubts” or new beliefs you have developed during a faith transition. Make no mistake, while the Church has released statements that it’s okay to doubt, they’ve also said that you’re not allowed to try and convince others of your point of view. You may think that your new belief is beautiful and based on the scriptures, but if you share any of those beliefs too broadly you could get accused of apostasy, which is an excommunicable offense. Because Mormon Doctrine is never actually defined you never know when a belief of yours is going to be on your local leaders’ no-no list. I once bore my testimony in church about how I had experience with being discouraged about the church at times, and that if others had any problems they could talk to me. My bishop called me into his office and asked if I was trying to start an apostate group. I was so surprised I laughed in his face, which didn’t help my case. You can’t change the Church.
- You can’t go back
Sometimes it seems much more convenient to just go back to how you were before: a sometimes bored but generally engaged and believing member. There are no potential issues with family shunning or disciplinary councils. Pretending that you are the same believer you always were is not a good solution, depression is a likely result. However, once you have realized that something isn’t true, no amount of wishing will make you believe it again. Having faith in something without evidence is one thing, trying to believe it with evidence to the contrary is another. Elder Andersen may think you’ll change back if you try hard enough, but wishing won’t make it so. Church leaders aren’t very good at dealing with diversity in belief. Attempting to make Mormonism work while not believing in the historicity of the Book of Mormon or the Priesthood restoration can be difficult for them to comprehend.
Bonus: It will all be worth it (maybe).
The main key to a middle-way is taking ownership for my own beliefs. When I know something isn’t true, I don’t force myself to believe it anymore. I’m not dependent on what church leaders tell me I have to believe anymore. Does this cause problems? Of course. Is it more healthy for me? I definitely think so. I don’t know what path I will take in the future, I’ve been taking this middle-way path for several years now. I could eventually leave the Church, or I could find closure in other ways to remain an active member. What I do know is that the path is mine, and that the middle-way is about my journey. No one else can dictate that. This doesn’t automatically make it a selfish path. It’s much easier when we can all support each other. We become a community when we can help and encourage everyone regardless of their level of faith. I reject the idea that we have to retrench and draw battle lines. We’re all in this together. The community can be the greatest strength of a church: http://rationalfaiths.com/old-ladies-taught-gospel/
I admire you for continuing to try middle way mormonism. It was just too hard for me to do. I figure if all the people I love and respect are looking down on me for my doubts anyway, why am I staying? The only way I can win any points back with them is to say, “Oh, I see the error of my ways! I was so mislead in thinking and feeling the things I did! Sorry folks. I’m back on board 100%. No more questionable comments from me. You can feel completely comfortable around me again. I will make sure from here on out I only say things in the approved, cookie-cutter format that is allowable.” I just couldn’t do that to myself anymore. Good luck to you. It takes a strong person to keep one foot in and one foot out. Thanks for the post.
Thanks for this post. I’m a greenie in the middle way, and I find some days/weeks to be really hard, while others are much easier. Probably the hardest part for me right now is navigating this with my immediate family.
How do I navigate this with a spouse that doesn’t want to look at all the history, and I’m not going to push her. We both feel like we’re not aligned towards a common goal anymore and that is really hard on our relationship because for our entire earlier marriage we were both really closely aligned on our spiritual beliefs. How do people do this, it seems really hard right now.
How do I start teaching my kids the nuances of life, and dispel the myths of religion, while at the same time find the beauty I see in parts of our religion. When are they old enough to understand? When do I introduce polygamy or BoM translation, or any multitude of subjects that are in conflict with the narratives they learn about at church on Sunday. I don’t even know where to begin, and with my wife not willing to learn about these subjects either, I feel like I’m just treading water, hoping for a solution to come around.
Maybe it is better to simply do what every rational religion in the world has done and join a church within your faith tradition that aligns better with your beliefs. The only reasons Mormons don't usually do that is because one central corporation has been taking the lead and consolidating power in the last few decades. Maybe you should join us at Christ's Church, The Righteous Branch of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are more interesting, and more liberal, and also more fundamentalist.
http://gospelfullness.wordpress.com
While I have some interest in the Community of Christ in particular, moving to another religion/church doesn’t really solve any problems.
I lived this way for too long. It is so painful. Since committing to be myself and say what I think, things have gotten much easier for me. The problem with trying to have one foot in and one foot out is the cognitive dissonance can be deafening. It makes you feel like you are living a double life. It raises your blood pressure. Seriously, it is a bad idea. Why not look for more likeminded Mormons?
square peg,
Hope_For_Things,
I feel for your predicament. I am the spouse who stopped believing and my husband does not approve when I try to bring up things that I think need to be addressed. I have a son who will be old enough to serve a mission next summer and I am completely at odds with him over what to do. We are not on the same page at all as how to handle this. I want to set my son down and go through every detail of the problematic things #1 so that he is fully aware of all the sticky issues #2 so he can decide 100% BEFORE he leaves if this is for sure what he believes and feels he’s supposed to do. Of course, by doing so-there is always the chance he may decide he doesn’t want to serve a mission. That is a risk my husband doesn’t want to take, since none of my three older children ended up serving missions and he would really like to see at least one of his kids serve a mission. It is very hard when the parents don’t see eye to eye and it makes a frustrating situation for both spouses. Just not a positive situation to be in. I’m sorry to all of us stuck in these scenario’s-not quite knowing the best ways to navigate them. Best wishes.
square peg,
Thanks for sharing. It such a hard and lonely path to walk, especially with our families and friends. I am frequently confronted with dilemmas about how handle these relationships, what to disclose, how authentic should I be, is the timing right, etc. It is often exhausting. My oldest is a few years away from mission age, but I have wondered how I’ll handle that. I’m hoping to start to inoculate him on some of the controversial issues before that time, but how much do I disclose, and what is he ready to hear at this age. It’s so hard to know… We need to support each other on these very challenging issues.
I consider myself in this spot as well, and it can be so tough. I don’t find church boring, though, I find it frustrating. Also, #1 doesn’t really resonate with me or probably with most women because we aren’t allowed to have most leadership callings anyway.
Great post, L Thomas!
One of the main problems with being in the middle-of-the-road is you get hit by traffic going both directions.
Funny that I have a quote on my calendar for today about the definition of reality which seems to fit in with some of what you say:
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing it, doesn’t go away.”–Philip K. Dick
Awesome quote!
“One of the main problems with being in the middle-of-the-road is you get hit by traffic going both directions.”
I don’t think ever read anything that is as true as this is true.
And I came up with that one myself!
Woo-hoo!
hope_for_things,
Family has been a very tough part for me. I have taken things very slowly with everyone. It’s hard to know when it’s the right time to discuss different things.
I am also walking the middle way and appreciate your post. I agree with much of it and, as you would expect, some of my lived experience is different.
But definitely the middle way is not for the faint of heart and is not the easier path.
I don’t think most people can stay there for the long haul. I have been doing it for over 5 years now and have found an equilibrium that works for me personally. But I can imagine some situations that could push me to the other side of the road.
Going back to the believer that I used to be that intentionally ignored the issues and chose to focus exclusively on spiritual feelings is no longer an option, now that I know what I know.
But I am committed first and foremost to my wife. I walk the middle way for her.
If that were to change, then I would make different decisions.
I think the church will have to make some big changes if they would like people to stay for the “long haul.” It’s hard to tell if they actually want us to stay, however.
Thanks for this post, and everyone’s great comments. My wife and I disagree on this issue as well and I feel like it has become one more challenge to our relationship.
Being in the elders quorum presidency I have opportunities to go visit some of our quorum members, and I really enjoy this fellowship and service. But I find that it is difficult not to analyze and be skeptical of everything said in church and what I read in the scriptures. I try to take the good things, but my belief moves more towards thinking that we don’t need religion for the good things(service, love, taking care of others etc.)
Most of the time I wish my wife would come around to my point of view, but I know that is not something that I have control over. It is a difficult position to be in. I cannot undo my belief, or lack thereof.
I agree.
I think they are so focused on loyalty to the church that they have a hard time dealing with individuals who are loyal to principles.
L Thomas,
I appreciate you sharing your “sucky” experience.
The Middle Way has a different connotation for me.
The middle way is a challenge (straight and narrow in a sense and always at the point of paradox). The middle way is the way of christ. it is christ (life, love, truth).
I will try my best to address your points from a different paradigm of “middle way.” It’s not a “middle way is great” or “middle way sucks” paradigm. Neither one seem to be accurate in my experience.
1. Leadership – in the middle way leadership is more than a calling that is bestowed by a church authority. leadership is a calling that haunts you from within and without in unexpected ways. but it always calls you to love (serve) and repent when you inevitably fail to.
2. Boredom – in the middle way boredom is a gift and a grace. and it’s boring and it’s beautiful. and you let go of attachment to needing the church to change, needing the world to change, needing the speaker to not use cliches, needing yourself not to be bored. You accept everything in that dang boring moment and then all of the sudden, there’s god with you in that boredom.
3. Lack of closure – the middle way is the path. the path has no closure and no beginning. the middle way does not cling to political or religious labels. it is flexible and open and always unfinished.
4. Integrity being questioned – the middle way always rests on the question of “how can i attend to life right now?” in the middle way you continually act out the question (and sometimes the temporary answer in “right action”). If other people question your integrity it is their question and has nothing to do with you.
5. Silence is appreciated – in the middle way silence will almost always be more powerful than words.
6. You can never go back – in the middle way there is no going back and there is no going forward. There is only being right here, right now. We will have desires to go back to the past or forward to the future. These are sinful and understandable desires – there is no such thing. We come back to the now and remember and are blessed.
jordan,
Someone’s been reading Adam Miller…
My favorite is #6. I’m all the time saying it would be easier if I could just unsee it all.
Corbin,
The crux of the problem is that we don’t know all the reality. The true reality is God’s reality. If we don’t find that reality, it will always be only what you (we) believe. And what you (and I) believe may be some ways away from that true reality. The problem is that we concentrate in our beliefs, while in truth, it is not about our beliefs, but about the truth. And the only source of truth is God the Father. If what you believe is not aligned with that source, then it will always be painful because your references are flawed.
The truth that comes from God is the most painful of all.
Personally, it seems that the church, at least in Utah/Idaho/Arizona corridor, is trending slowly towards fundamentalism. It’s going through a retrenchment period similar to the one that followed the McKay administration. Looking at who the next likely church presidents are, outside of the possibility of a short Utchdorf presidency, most seem to have a doubling-down approach that’s less about accomodation than it is about doctrinal orthodoxy, especially when considering the possibility of a lengthy Bednar presidency.
It’s going to be difficult for anyone in the aforementioned corridor to be able to navigate the middle way successfully. It’d take someone with a high degree of self-confidence who doesn’t care what others think and are willing to go against the tide of popular opinion.
And my day-calendar serendipitously coughs up another apropos quote:
“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.”
–Flannery O’Connor
Michelle Glauser,
Half the auxiliaries in the Church are women led – Relief Society, Young Women, Primary as well as leadership positions such as Seminary & Institute teachers (the toughest & most rewarding callings of all), Young Single Adults & Single Adult programs, Self Reliance specialists, Activities Chairperson, Addiction Recovery Program to name but a small few…
Under priesthood supervision of course.
Im a Mormon and I’m gutless with no problems on screwing over others.