*Have you ever read a List Blog and thought to yourself, “This doesn’t relate to me at all”? The reason for this is that while List Blogs can be helpful/funny/true/or insightful, they can never encompass an entire group or population of people. So it is with the following List. There are those out there who will identify with these, and some who won’t. This is not a comprehensive List, meaning, these are not the reasons why ALL Single Saints don’t get married, nor should it be interpreted as such. *
As church membership grows, so does it demographics. It should come as no surprise to anyone then, that we should see an increase of our Singles population. It would appear that in recent years, the single community, and mainly the mid-singles (31+) have become the focal point for many a discussion among church leaders. So what is going on? How is it that a church that teaches marriage and family as the foundation of its doctrine can end up with marriage statistics as abysmal as those we are seeing now? In short…
WHY AREN’T THESE SINGLES GETTING MARRIED?!?!?
Being a 30 something Single Saint, I consider myself qualified to venture a guess or two. Also, since I have never been married, I have also never left the playing field, which means I have over 18 years of uninterrupted experience in the trenches, heck, I’m still reporting from them as we speak. The explanations I will offer are anecdotal, though really, when it comes to human experience, what else are we really left with?
Take it for what it’s worth.
1. THEY ARE AFRAID
I hear this one all the time as means of explanation. Single Saints claiming that the reason that don’t want to get married is because they are afraid that they will end up like their parents. Being a product of divorce myself, (my parents called it quits when I was 18 and in my opinion, that decision came 18 years too late)  I can totally identify and sympathize with this fear. In this case, it is not that they don’t want to get married, it is that they don’t want to get divorced, but since they can’t have the former without the potential of the latter, then they find themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place. We see the mistakes and horrors exacted by our parents and we think…..I’d rather stay single than be repeat that nightmare anew.
Which leads perfectly into…
2. THEY HAVE BEEN IN THE GAME TOO LONG
What I mean by this is that because so many many Single Saints have been single for so long, that it has given them ample time to justify what they already fear about marriage, namely that it doesn’t work. The longer a person stays single, the longer they have to watch as their friends and families marriages fall apart or implode on themselves. This only provides them with further evidence that marriage doesn’t work. They think…Well gee..if my parents couldn’t make it work, and so-in-so couldn’t make it work, and whats-their-name couldn’t make it work, then what are the chances that I am going to be able to make it work?
Not to mention of course, the fact that the longer you stay single, the more you have dated (theoretically), and the longer you have dated (theoretically), the more failed relationships you have been in, and the more failed relationships you have been in (theoretically), the more bitter and jaded you have become…..(theoretically).
Which leads us to…
3. THEY ARE JADED
Some might think that this should have been lumped in with #1 , but let me assure you, the difference between a fearful saint and a jaded saint are worth the distinction. Personally, I believe that in order to become a jaded saint, you more than likely started out as fearful saint, and then slowly over the years “proved” your theories true to the point where you felt you had gathered enough “evidence” to finally throw the book at this whole marriage scam and do away with your relationship aspirations altogether.
There are SO many bitter, cynical, and jaded saints out there, and trying to date people like this, is tantamount to attempting to hug a porcupine. It also appears that the bitterness is often directly in proportion to age, meaning, the older and longer someone has been single, the more bitter and jaded they are. It isn’t often that you see a bright-eyed RM ranting about how there are no good women left, or how marriage just isn’t for them, but give it time….as a wise man once said…
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering”…..and I would add…too bitter Single Saints.
4. THEY HAVE TOO MANY OPTIONS
Everybody loves a buffet. All the choices, so many delicious options, but tragically, only so much stomach space. To be fair, this one mostly applies to those saints living in highly saturated areas( *cough* Utah), but it is still worth mentioning.
Depending on the “date-a-bility” of any given individual saint, their options for dating might have them in a position where they could have a date for every night of the week if they really wanted it, and who doesn’t love variety??? If you knew that you could try something new every day, then why would you want to eat pizza every morning, afternoon, and evening? ….Not that their is anything wrong with pizza. In fact, pizza is pretty dang awesome, and if these saints were only to give pizza a try, they might come to realize just how versatile pizza really is. They would discover how given time and effort, toppings can change adding variety and a depth of flavor, and as they commit to the exploration, pizza can become more satisfying than they ever could have imagined. But so long as they have a buffet is better mentality, the likelihood of them settling down remains slim to none.
5. THEY ARE TOO PICKY
Remember when we were kids and our parents and teachers told us how special we were, and how we were the “chosen” generation, and how God has a special plan just for us??? Well…I think this well-intentioned message might have backfired just a bit.
The problem with feeling entitled is feeling like you are entitled to everything you want, and this extends to what you want in a marriage partner. Not only do they need to be (for example):
A return missionary, a college graduate, and gainfully employed, making over 100k a year, a home owner, likes everything that you like, loves your family and the smell of your farts, wants just as many children as you do, is dedicated to every cause you are, gets along perfectly with your friends, finds all of your jokes hilarious, has perfect communication skills, with no baggage, AAANNNNND they also have to be so painfully attractive that just the mere sight of them causes both yours and theirs clothes to fall off inciting both parties to want to “go forth and replenish the earth” every moment of every day.
Too much?
It may seem like I am being dramatic here, (I would say more Indulgent than Dramatic….sorry about the fart joke) but I have actually heard lists like these coming from the mouths of Single Saints, and not just like one or two. The problem with feeling like you deserve everything is that it traps you in a grass is greener mentality that can become VERY difficult to break free from. What you have might be good, but what if there is someone better??? Better job, better pedigree, better sexual attraction….
And while we are on the subject…
6. THEY ARE “ENJOYING” NOT BEING MARRIED
Was that shrouded enough? Perhaps I should be more direct…
There is a certain portion of Single Saints (mostly divorced it appears though not exclusive to the divorced community), that seem to be thoroughly enjoying sleeping around and experiencing multiple sexual partners.
There. I said it. Somebody has to.
The excuse I hear most often from these frisky saints is that because they have been married before, and since being married means that they were getting sex all of the time (Theoretically), this means that their bodies are now incapable of having physical relationships that don’t include and/or lead to sex.
I’m not making this stuff up I swear.
Having lived 30 something years without having sex I suppose I am unqualified to either confirm or deny this phenomenon, though common sense and human agency would lead me to call malarkey on the whole thing . I would however believe them if they told me that once they had sex and realized how amazing and enjoyable it was that they made a decision to keep having it. It makes perfect sense to me that if you just came out of a crappy marriage that you would be disinclined to hitch yourself back up to that post anytime soon, but that this fact doesn’t stop you from wanting to still enjoy all of the “perks” of a more permanent arrangement.
Something about cake…
I guess it just goes to show you that there is a flavor of Mormon out there for everyone.
And Finally…
7. THEY UNDERSTAND THE WEIGHT OF THEIR DECISIONS
You wanna know why we love stores like Wal-Mart? Other than it’s everyday low prices and convenient locations, we love the fact that regardless of what we buy there, we know that if we are not 100% satisfied with our purchase that we are free to bring it back for a full refund, no questions asked.
Kinda takes the edge off right?
The “problem” with the concept of eternal marriage is that is it…well…Eternal. This is not to say that in order for a marriage to work a person needs to feel as though they could pull the eject chord whenever they feel like it, but the idea that you are not just picking a partner for till death do we part, but rather, for time and ALL eternity, would be intimidating for anyone contemplating a merger of two lives.
In a weird sort of way, these self-aware Saints should be applauded for their willingness to not approach this sacred covenant with the same attitude as a futon purchase, but as with all good intentions, they can often lead us down extreme paths that ultimately end up hindering our ability to get what we wanted when first we started our journey.
Whatever observation/explanation I can offer as to why Single Saints are choosing to remain single, ultimately comes down to just that…
A Choice.
Whether is out of fear, or pickiness, or any other motivation, at the end of the day the only REAL reason why Single Saints choose to stay single is because they want to. True, there are always going to be those rare exceptions of saints who, despite their best efforts, will never be given that option for marriage, but I believe that population is so small, as to be thrown out of the data when it comes to this specific debate, though of course our hearts truly go out them.
Single Saints will get married when they want to, so I suppose the real question to ask here is how do you get a human, much less a Single Saint, to do something they don’t really want to do? Short of passing a new commandment, it would appear that we are just going to have to wait for them to change their minds. Those who want to get married will, and those who don’t will continue to come up with a myriad of excuses as to why they can’t or won’t.
*Now For Some Balance*
I understand just as well an anyone out there that there are those Single Saints, who, by no fault of their own, will never have the chance to be married in this life. These saints are doing everything they can, everything within their power to find a companion. I am one of those saints, though to be fair and honest, I take a good portion of responsibility, and I am not going to sit here and say that I have never been given the opportunity.
I have dear friends who are AMAZING, I mean like A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, and yet, not matter what they do, or how hard they try, they can’t seem to find that one thing that they want more than anything else in the world. This breaks my heart, I mean, literally causes me pain to see them in this position. What makes it worse is when I see my fellow sisters who want nothing more than to be Mothers but can’t because they are unable to find suitable companions. As the years slip by, so it seems to them, that their chances in realizing this dream do as well. I am inspired and humbled by the strength, and the positivity of some of these sisters.But even though I know that they are strong, I also know the deep pain that comes from feeling like the thing that you want most in the world, is frustratingly out of your control.
In those moments of pain, I wish that I could apologize to them on behalf of how utterly unfair life can be to people who deserve so much more. I want to take these friends and somehow make the dating world see how INCREDIBLE they are, and how, despite what they may think about themselves, that there is NOTHING wrong with them. I think that is the part I hate most of all, that they blame themselves.
There ARE people out there that could use a little more introspection. There ARE people out there who are making a choice and choices that are keeping them from getting married, but there are also good intentioned and honest Saints who are trying desperately to make it happen. For SOME of these saints the reason they aren’t married yet could be…
1. They simply haven’t found the right person
2. The timing isn’t right for them just yet.
3. Nobody is giving them a fair shot/asking them out/accepting dates from them.
4. They are waiting until it feels right and they have a spiritual confirmation.
5. They are struggling (even within their own faith) to find someone with similar values/goals/desires and so on.
We are all different. We do/think/justify/act different ways for different reasons. Some Saints are, by their actions making a choice to not get married. I am not the first to say this and I make no apologies for doing so. I am sorry if that offends some, but I am guessing that those it is offending are not those who fall into that category.
If you don’t feel as though these reasons apply to you, then just use them as a tool of understanding and not as a personal attack. There are SOME saints out there like those I described, and I would hate for you well-meaning singles to waste your time, energy, or amazingness on someone who isn’t taking this as seriously as you are. You deserve better. Don’t give up, don’t loose hope. As my mother always said, “The cream will rise”, as one of my favorite professors use to say, “Like attracts Like”. If you are trying your best, then keep trying, keep up that hope, and positivity, and people WILL notice. It may not be in the timing that you would prefer, but so long as there is a God in heaven who loves you, then you are never alone, and you are never forgotten.
Scarlett Strange
Scarlett Strange has spent the better part of her life in study of humans and their behaviors. Having been raised LDS, her favorite studies were that of Mormon Culture. After graduating college she began to pursue her writing career. Scarlett's ultimate goal is to help find common ground among the many minds.
All posts by Scarlett Strange
I agree with parts of this but I disagree with the conclusion that LDS singles are single because it’s an active choice. This is likely the case for some, yes. But in the 31+ group, I know more singles who want marriage and family but have been unable to find suitable partners. This is particularly the case for many single women, who outnumber single LDS men significantly in the midsingles scene. At that point, part of the problem has less to do with desire and more to do with probability.
I think part of the “problem” of singles is that they are looked at the way you’ve described them here: commitment-phobic, irresponsible, bitter, picky, selfish, etc. The blame is placed solely on the individuals and their perceived failings. But certainly the culture plays a significant role in shaping attitudes and behaviors of dating and singledom. It would be worth considering these aspects before assigning the “problem” of single status solely to individual choice. To do so is reductive and dismissive.
Yep. This whole article is reductive and dismissive of actual people and lump us all into some Island of Misfit Toys.
STOP TELLING ME I’M BROKEN JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT MARRIED.
really?? REALLY?? I realize these arguments are just someone’s opinion, but really?? It’s like someone googled ‘why am i single?’ and just made this list from the top answers. Angry? Jaded? Dating too long? These aren’t reasons why people aren’t married; they are effects of wanting marriage and not getting it. Just because you enjoy aspects of being single doesn’t mean you shun marriage.
Also, It is statistically impossible for the majority of single women over 30 to be married in the temple. It’s more mathematical than simply ‘being picky’.
I really enjoyed reading this.. I think it definitely touches on many of the reasons why some saints remain single. For me however, I think one reason not mentioned is becoming more and more prominent. That would be in finding compatibility in degree of testimony in the church with a partner.
Because of the strong emphasis on personal worthiness and testimony in our church, the most obvious place to look for a potential match is at church. Unfortunately, this arena, especially in singles wards, becomes a soapbox for individuals to flaunt their spirituality. For some, this may help them find their special someone. For me, and others with more ‘uncorrelated’ or ‘thoughtful’ approaches to their Mormonism, this makes church a less welcoming meet market.
This also extends to dating… When I realize my views on church history, church leaders, women & the priesthood etc.. wouldn’t mesh well with a potential partner, that makes me a lot less interested in persuing a relationship.
If there were greater openness in our church about variations in degree of testimony, I think many more singles would feel comfortable discussing this very important aspect of compatibility.
I disagree on all of it. I am married now and my husband is 17 years older than me. I never was any of these scenarios and he never got jaded. The reason neither if us got married sooner is for 2 different reasons. For me my previous relationship with a man I wanted to marry was bad timing, he wasn't ready. We had discussed it but he had serious commitment issues as a result of a failed marriage. For my husband he had plenty of women willing to marry him but none he wanted to spend eternity with until me. My point is that both parties need to be ready not just spiritually but maturity also. I would never have given my husband any notice if we had met 2 years earlier because of the age difference.
Old Friend:
I suggest you are asking too much. It is rational and reasonable to desire a family that is active in the Church, sealed in the Temple, and living as well as they can to effectuate that sealing. That the various members of the family have varying types and levels of testimony is of interest, but any one should not expect that all other family members will embrace their particular form of thought processing.
Many Mormons get a thrill by living on the fringes of doctrine and belief, or unbelief. For example, and only as an example, one can look at the same absolute paucity of the historical record and conclude that Joseph Smith was someone who let his sexual desires get the better of him and manufactured doctrine to justify himself. Or one can conclude that Joseph Smith, like all the other Nauvoo polygamists, went into the practice “kicking and screaming”, was commanded by an angel with a drawn sword to practice and teach the practice, and always gave the woman her choice. If someone always wants to be on a soapbox, there is never enough room there for two.
Relying on my belief in your good will, I provide another example. My wife and oldest daughter, with whom we live, are rabid Democrats and Obama supporters. I am generally perceived as a conservative and I dislike the President. I know enough not to bring the subject up, and we all get along fine…and attend Church and the Temple together. If the subject comes up, and I must stay in the room, I let their rants roll off my back. If I can leave the room gracefully, I will do that. I continue to listen to the radio stations I want when I drive and I continue to vote as I wish in the solitude of the ballot box. O how sad my life would be if I missed the chance to have this rabid Obama supporter be my wife and the loving Mother of my children if I insisted on absolute doctrinal congruity before marriage.
As a single member who has shed many tears and spent many hours wondering what’s “wrong” with her for God to be punishing her this way, I’d like to say that this article was hurtful and cruel. I already spend enough time in a hairshirt, thank you very much.
Is this article satire? Otherwise its absolutely insulting.
It’s like the author knows me! Not only have I chosen not to get married but I’m a horrible, satan following bargain shopper that no one would want to marry even I wasn’t so set against it. Not gonna lie, thwarting the work of God is a lotta work.
Did we read the same blog post? What, so since this is the first time in a year Rational Faiths posts something that doesn’t explicitly say that all of the problems in your life can be traced back to the leadership of the Church, you fly off the handle? You somehow read that she’s calling you a Satan worshipper? Grow up.
Scarlett, even if you've spent the better of your life studying humans, you got this subject completely wrong. If you want to really find common ground on this issue, e-mail me on facebook or find me online to discuss how you can rectify this situation.
Satire….how about true.. just cause this article may not fit you personally there is a lot of truth to it. I dont see how this article is hurtful. I know so many guys who are fearful of even asking girls on dates. And dont get me started on the rediculous expectations lds kids have both guys and girls. Seriously you all need to get off your soap boxes..
I updated the post in an attempt on more balance. I hope it helps bring some middle ground to the discussion. Thank you all for your feedback. God Bless.
Wow, you just dig yourself deeper with this. This really shouldn’t have been published. You do yourself and the conversation about single people no favors by publishing this thing riddled with mistruths and stereotypes.
Ditto what Stacer said. Any sense of compassion for the single members, who are relegated to second-class status in our church, was missing entirely from your article. Suggesting that we should have found some by reading between the lines is not helpful.
We do not need or desire your pity any more than we need or desire your condemnation. We do not need to read any more articles that work on the assumption that marriage is the baseline requirement for any kind of happiness or meaning in this life.
You assert that this article was directed to SOME singles, but by no means not the NICE ones. If this is how single people tend to be in your stake, then you’ve got some extremely weird zoning going on in your area, because I have never met an active LDS single Mormon who fits your stereotype. The members that I know in my wards and classes are all kinds of people, from saints to jerks. They are never-married, divorced, lifelong members, converts, reactivated, RMs, non-RMs, parents, students, professionals, underemployed bums, workaholic overachievers. But I have never yet met one who had (or would) turn down a chance to fall in love and be married because they think they can snare someone richer, or because they enjoy sleeping around too much, or because they think a life of guaranteed solitude is better than a life with a chance of eventual divorce. What in heck is going on in your stake that it’s producing that kind of people?
*Timing ISN’T right…
Scarlett, you are completely digging yourself in a hole as Stacer said. Scarlett, for all you and I know, ALL Single Saints are out there every day doing everything they can to keep the faith and get married. We shouldn’t judge our fellow Latter Day Saints as harshly as you are attempting to do with “humor.”
Impressive back peddaling. Of course we can all still read what you wrote above. “True, there are always going to be those rare exceptions of saints who, despite their best efforts, will never be given that option for marriage, but I believe that population is so small, as to be thrown out of the data when it comes to this specific debate, though of course our hearts truly go out them.”
Perhaps you shouldn’t have been so quick to throw them out.
I had carved out a place in my heart where this was just poorly executed satire, but the edits made it 100% more offensive and not in a funny way. The problem is, I have heard every single one of these reasons thrown at singles by people who saw us a “problems” or a “plague” and who didn’t think that as outliers we deserve any consideration. The only reason I have heard which explains why an individual is still single is because our cultural marriage practices require the agency of TWO people. Anything other explanation, no matter how correct you may think you might be, is extremely judgmental and almost certainly deeply offensive.
I’m not going to comment on the updated article. Instead, because I am feeling feisty, I am just going rant about the phenomenon.
I don’t want to detract from anyone’s personal views or choices or struggles. But it still baffles me that the Church insists its better to remain single and lonely for life than to marry outside the faith. Yes, marrying outside the faith is a deeply personal decision and in orthodox Mormon culture, someone who does so will always be viewed as “less than.” This is not trivial.
But good hell. There are many great non-Mormon men out there who would make excellent partners and fathers. I’m sorry, but “waiting for the next life” is not comforting to most singles. Especially since the next life is speculation. So why not make the most of this life?
It makes me so sad to see these single women who feel they have no choice but to accept their single status when it’s not what they want. And for what? A little institutional leeway would go a long way for this very marginalized group.
Oops. Try again.
I think the use of the word “They” is the first and most significant problem here. No bueno, sister. No bueno.
Here is my complete, unabridged, infinitely better edit of your article:
——
Why Single Saints Stay Single
By chris t
Everybody is different, and God works on God’s time.
——
Look.
I grew up in the LDS church wanting to have a family of my own. I still do. It’s not enough that I don’t have my dearest, longest desire, but the church I loved ignored me, pitied me and judged me because it. Continually reminded me of it. Heaven forbid they treat me like a human being and relate to me as I am. If people like you could maybe NOT rub salt into it for a change, that’d just be swell.
(I wonder that people’s arms don’t get tired from constantly. Grinding. In that salt. Sheesh.)
Looks like Scarlett didn’t get the memo that we are well past the era of personal responsibility. If she had only written an article that kicked the can down the road and aimed for the status quo of Rational Faith fare– that all of our problems are due to how other members treat us and/or due to Church leadership not being as inspired as us progressive members– everything would have been fine. Better than fine; she would have been awarded several dozen interweb points in the comments section. But because she suggests that *some* members may be single due to their own choices or attitudes she shall be ridden off of this site on a rail. This site is OPEN MINDED… Meaning, adopt our point of view or be brutally criticized.
Consider this your warning, Scarlett. If you wish to write an apology article that paints us as eternal victims, perhaps we’ll forgive you.
Of course choice is sometimes involved, but judging other people’s choices in such a personal matter is also extremely uncool. Whether or not a person is married isn’t yours, OP’s, even the GAs’ business. It’s between them and God. As I said: Everyone is different, and God works on God’s time.
Rename this “7 Things Single Saints are Tired of Hearing,” and you’ve got it.
I thought the author was being sarcastic but as I kept reading it became obvious that she was serious. Hopefully one day all the poor ‘singles’ will stop being sad picky bitter irresponsible sex addicts and prove that they aren’t totally worthless after all and join the perfect’marrieds’.
I would like to propose a writting challenge to every one out there that’s up to it: the person who can write a more cliche article on this subject that provides less insight will win a big thumbs up emoticon & the pride that goes along with completing a seemingly impossible task.
Hello,
My family woke up late for the Anglican Church; my dad suggested we go to his church (Mormon); and we started to attend the LDS Church. Although I was baptized when I was 11 or so, I can’t remember discussing the scriptures at home, having Family Home Evening, having family prayer, etc. My mother was bothered by the discussions on temple marriage when I was 12 plus. She made it clear when I was in my early teens that career was foremost.
I struggled for 40 plus years with panic attacks, then depression. Although it didn’t stop me from much, my social life was severely impacted. LDS girls teased and bullied me. Finally, my mom took me out of MIA and enrolled me in Synchronized swimming. Kept going to church. I made social errors, tried to fit in, but with little success.
My mom, even though she eventually joined, wasn’t totally converted. She was still very much devoted to the Christian Scientist beliefs…and I found out a few years ago that Christian Scientists didn’t advocate marriage. No wonder my mom didn’t teach me or prepare me much about being a woman.
I am in my 60’s now, and I wish I were married. I have spent much of my life working with children. I am still a believing Latter-day Saint. Church attendance is hard, though.
So the reasons I didn’t get married were:
not feeling worthy to marry because of the panic attacks and depression…hard on my family, and I didn’t wish them on a marriage partner or kids
discouraged by mother to marry
low self-esteem brought on by panic, etc.
not understanding the importance of marriage in the gospel
I am still working through this stuff.