When Justin* was 14 he played Pokemon. I never understood the game but I played another geeky game in the same store. It was a friendly store and I chatted with all the regulars inbetween games. He was quiet and a bit withdrawn but over the coming weeks began to welcome the brief conversations. We became Facebook friends and occasionally discussed game schedules and movies. Justin stopped playing games at the store after a few months. I would run into him occasionally and we would comment on each others posts online but we didn’t interact much for the next couple of years. Justin was actively LDS and held the Aaronic Priesthood. He was looking forward to serving a Mission like his older brothers and his elder sister had before him. He wanted to serve his Mission “somewhere exotic, like Brazil”. He played sports and loved football.
After Justin turned 16 he saw that I was a member of Mormons Building Bridges and some photos of my wife and I at SLC Pride. He asked about them and I told him that we were active faithful Mormons with a number of gay friends whom we loved dearly and that their being gay didn’t change how we felt about them and that they were equally loved by our Heavenly Father as any other of His sons and daughters. He said he didn’t know anyone who was gay.
A few weeks later Justin messaged me again and asked if he could tell me something. He made me promise not to tell anyone. He told me that he thought he might be gay and that he hated himself. I thanked him for trusting me and told him it did not make him a bad person and that it made him no different to millions of other people, most of whom are amazing, warm, friendly and loving people. I asked him if he had told anyone else and he said no. He was afraid his family would hate him and he would have no friends. I told him that people sometimes surprise us and reassured him that I would keep his secret but he might want to tell them or someone else at some point, when he felt comfortable.
We chatted a few more times over the coming weeks and I directed him to various resources for support and suggested other people he might want to open up to so he had other options for support. I don’t know if he followed any of them. I knew his family in passing. I know he never told them. I don’t think they would have reacted as badly as he feared. Perhaps after the initial surprise they would have been okay. They loved him very much. They never had the chance to show Justin if they could accept his authentic self. I’m writing in the past tense because a few days ago I learned that Justin killed himself.
We lost another fine young man. Another son, another brother, another friend. We lost another beautiful soul. And it’s unnecessary. We have to remove the shame and the fear of the things and the feelings that are out of our control. We have to embrace all of those around us, especially those who are different to us, and tell them that we love them, and embrace their differences, until all feel welcome and cherished, until all can thrive in our circle — especially those who feel lost, lonely and excluded. Especially those who feel different. Especially those who feel unwanted, outcast, alienated and invisible. Especially those who feel like they do not exist or like others would prefer they do not exist. Especially those who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Trans*.
As a fellow Mormon — how will I be held accountable before God if I do not stand up before my fellow brothers and sisters and stand up for the vulnerable, alienated and outcast around me? And Justin. And the many who, like him, feel that their authentic selves are a thing to be hated, rejected and turned away. It is time to stand up for love. It is time to show our love — not when it is convenient. Not when it is socially convenient. Not when it is easy. It is long past time to show our love for all, and it is long past time to show love, unfeigned for our LGBT brothers and sisters with sincere friendship, hugs and by sharing and supporting them in their struggles, tears, laughter and joy.
Rest in Peace, Justin. I know I won’t feel peace while ever I know I’m in the company of the people you fear wouldn’t have welcomed you – and the people I know wouldn’t have welcomed you.
*Names and some details have been changed to protect confidentiality
Ian Murphy
Ian Murphy was born in England and moved to the US in 2008. He gained dual citizenship in 2014. He is married to a High School Teacher and currently serves as a Ward Missionary and as an instructor in Elders Quorum. He collects Cher head dresses, is an accomplished fromager and loves all things Eurovision. It's inevitable that the latter are sometimes enjoyed together.
All posts by Ian Murphy
Ian – Thanks so much for sharing this. My one word response is, “DAMMIT” and I say that with tears in my eyes.
In the middle of all of the “exactly how many suicides can be attributed to the policy change” I fear we can’t even count such a number. I can’t tell if “Jason” ever told anyone other than you. If he didn’t even tell his parents he is one among an unknown number of suicides over this issue.
Regardless of what any leaders are doing or not doing, we individually have to reach out too those that are vulnerable to feeling they don’t belong. It is the Christian thing to do. I feel you reaching out to him was more important than your Ward missionary stats for the last few months or if your last elders quorum lesson was great enough to keep everyone awake.
DAMMIT! I wish I had the chance to know Jason. Ian – Thank you for trying to help him. I appreciate your example.
One single suicide death due to a policy is too much.
That is a real tragedy. I feel so sad that he didn’t feel he could talk with anyone else, especially his family. Our lives are such a blessing. This is where I get nervous about the sharing of my opinion. What I think is difficult to do many times, is to show our love to someone that does not live according to our understanding of sin. We’ve been taught and we teach our children that homosexuality is a sin. And I believe it to be so. But we need to work past that to love the person regardless. Same-sex attraction, in my opinion, is not the sin. I don’t think we have any control over that kind of thing. I do think that we have responsibility and control over our responses and actions upon those feelings or any inclinations towards sin. Would it be difficult and tremendously challenging? Yes! Do I understand why all of us are afflicted by the desire to sin? Absolutely not. Hopefully we will become more highly evolved and love each other in spite of our sins. After all, who are we to judge? That “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes” sure is a truism. I have several friends that are openly gay. I love them and appreciate them for their talents and their contributions to my life and others. Conversely, I hope that they can feel my love & that I add something to their lives as well. Do I condone the homosexuality? No. But we can love our brothers and sisters in spite of their sins just as I would hope they would love me in spite of mine. Ain’t no one walking on water out there!
Earlier this year when the suicide spike was reported, some made a point of minimizing the number saying they were likely inflated. It makes me sad when we we talk of numbers (26 vs. 32… who cares?!) and not “Justin’s”.
I am sad that you have this story to share, but thanks for sharing.
It never ceases to amaze me how people can claim to have expert opinions on a subject when they themselves have never experienced that subject in a completely personal or intimate way.
It amazes me how people can claim to have expert opinions or have the right to judge others opinions based on how they have chosen to deal with something.
Your previous reply was a good one, a different opinion, but a good one, and one you are perfectly valid in having and expressing. This second one is judgemental, presumptuous and incorrectly suggests that the author of the blog once claimed to be an expert on the matter.
Duane Dalldorf Quite right, I apologise that it seemed aimed at the author of the blog. I should have said that there are those who make judgements on a subject like this without having any real personal experience in the subject. There are a plethara of voices advocating that those who struggle with SSA should accept their lot and be true to their so called inner nature. There is also the mistaken judgement that it is society that is at fault because of the attitude that this type of lifestyle is wrong and this puts undue pressure on those who experience SSA issues causing them depression and suicidal thoughts. I would be interested to know Duane whether you are a Latter-day Saint? Are you someone who experiences SSA issues yourself?
The policy is not at fault Win. The sin is the fault, and perhaps along with ignorance of the way to deal effectively with this challenge in some people's lives. Embracing same sex ideals and behaviors results in deep unhappiness and loss of self respect (as does any sin of a sexual nature). The challenge for the church and its members is to be able to condemn sin but not the sinner, and just because we have a personal abhorrence for a particular sin doesn't give us the right to cast stones and persecute others because of their personal life's challenge. Just because the church says that SSA is immoral doesn't mean they are condemning those who have this weakness, though there would be some members who have no tolerance for those who have fallen prey to this weakness and who are counter productive in providing positive support for those who wish to change their lives. None of us are perfect, but sin is not the answer either…. Jesus Christ is though.
Phillip, my daughter's friend from school hadn't even figured out that he was gay .. And the bullying at church had begun from the boys and leaders. By the time he figured out he was gay, he felt completely unwelcome at church. He had done nothing to deserve his treatment. Nothing. He had not sinned. His actions were beyond reproach. I cannot say the same about the congregation.
THAT is the problem. People are being marginalized, judged, bullied, and shunned — and it has nothing to do with their actions or choices.
Win Marsh That is a very sad reflection on those members and leaders who profess to be disciples of Christ, but typical. Not all is well in Zion, it is true, but the Gospel of Christ is true and inclusive of all sinners and is for the benefit of helping sinners find true joy and happiness in this life and in eternity. SSA is one of those sins that is abhorred by many in society in general, but there also seems to be a movement towards condoning this type of lifestyle as a way of helping those who struggle with this challenge. I have struggled with SSA all my life and still do, and I know of the misery and emptiness that results as I indulge these desires…I know of the exquisite suffering of deep depression associated with this challenge. I also know of the joy that comes through following the Saviour, and I have a testimony of the healing power of the Holy Ghost in my efforts to overcome these desires. I hope you will forgive me for saying that it is wrong to call people Gay in the sense that there is no hope for them in overcoming these desires…. there is always hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ, because I know without a doubt that with God all things are possible, yes even overcoming deeply entrenched sexual desire, but it takes some incredible effort on our part with God's help. It is good that you feel empathy for those who have this challenge, thank you… but we really need the true gospel of Christ and the hope that we can become truly free from the misery and self loathing that results from sin and error.
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Phillip Weyers,
Phillip,
I will respect your position, even if I can’t understand it or agree with it. I used to align more with what you expressed, but the more I have thought about it and even prayed about it, the more I feel like it is nothing more than the temple and priesthood ban on blacks all over again. We will have to agree to disagree.
There should be no battle here. We are commanded to love everyone. People are reluctant to love and accept gays because they may or may not be committing sexual sin. It's like the members of the Church who are always banging away at those who have WoW sins. (I hate that word, btw.) It's because those "sins" are obvious. But what about the people who are looking at porn in secret? Nobody judges them. What about those who cheat on their taxes? Beat their kids? Or your everyday sins? Like be mean to anyone who isn't cookie cutter? Votes Democrat? (That's one I can identify with.) When I was a single parent, I was sorely judged for being divorced. Listen, work on your own sins–we've all got 'em. Love everyone, judge no-one. WWJD?
Ian and many others feel like they are helping young people by helping them self-identify as LGBT, they are mistaken. This self-identification at a young age is the very thing that is driving youth to suicide. "…self-identity is the crucial risk-factor, rather than actual sexual behaviours…" These youth need time to mature on their own before they are hurried into defining themselves as anything. The labels and the adult's need for definitive categorization are the problem. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/113/6/1827
David Van Leeuwen Quite right.. this is a vulnerable age, and unfortunately even so called psychological professionals (and amateurs) seem intent on making young people identify in this way, even if they personally have no intimate experience with this so called lifestyle. It is a social experiment and the young people are being used as guinea pigs. Belief is a very strong motivating factor in people's lives, so be careful what you teach the impressionable.
David Van Leeuwen I think a personal observation from someone who has and is still addressing SSA desires is needed here…. When I was around 17 years old, I remember very clearly entertaining thoughts of a homosexual nature, which stimulated me physically but which also had an effect on me emotionally. I remember feeling quite empty and unhappy compared to how I had felt before entertaining those thoughts. I had to make a decision at that point whether the emotional cost was worth the physical excitement… a decision that continues to be with me whenever 'temptation' arises. The sad fact is, I have indulged those physical desires by throwing caution to the wind and worrying about the consequences later… almost like being in a time warp where time stands still and nothing else matters but the indulgence. This surrendering myself to recklessness had with it other companions like substance abuse etc. which you could class as self destructive in nature. Unfortunately time does move on and the consequences eventuate in spite of the 'time warp' we find ourselves in.
Phillip Weyers,
Phillip – I have to admit I just don’t quite get what you are saying. I can make quite a parallel statement
When I was around 17 years old, I remember very clearly entertaining thoughts of a heterosexual nature, which stimulated me physically but which also had an effect on me emotionally. I remember feeling quite guilty for having what I PERCEIVED as impure thoughts – and it deflated my self-confidence where I did things I wish I had not. I now see those thoughts as natural and of God and I try and teach my kids not to have shame over being normal.
David KayI will address your reply in a few posts as my computer tends to crash regularly. I understand the stance taken by the LGBT lobby is that SSA is an inherent part of people's nature, even genetic. I have had SSA desires from early childhood, in fact having lived in an orphanage I was introduced to to such things as masturbation at an early age of 4 years old. Since that time I have always had a sensual interest and my own body and the bodies of other men and find them beautiful and erotic. Your assertion that religious dogma along the lines of zero tolerance for sexual digression of any type past the standards as set by the LDS Church causes undue pressure and stigmatisation on those who believe that these urges and desires are natural. You feel it completely counter-productive and dangerous to try to change these so called natural urges, when in fact I know from my own strivings with SSA that when I indulge these desires (which I know to be based in selfishness) that I feel empty and feel a loss of something within myself that loss being happiness.
David Kay I can remember at the age of seventeen, contemplating homosexual thoughts and coming to a realisation that I am not very happy when I do that, though the physical excitement and adrenalin rush was amazing. I didn't understand why at the time because I felt that these were secret thoughts that shouldn't make any difference because no one be me knew about them. This didn't stop me pursuing homosexual ideals and yet when I indulged and the act was finished, I always felt isolated and depressed, and believe me masturbation was a big part of my life because it was one way that I could feel 'exalted' and 'elated' in spite of my miserable family life and and lack of direction. In fact I was introduced to pornography at a very young age, but this was female pornography which I feel strengthened my SSA tendencies because I found it derogatory towards women.
David Kay I am now in my sixties and still addressing SSA desires within me, however one thing I do know is…. you cannot pray the gay away totally. The beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ, however, is about replacing something we feel is beautiful (but is a lie) with something that is truly beautiful (divine, and not a lie) and being converted by that real truth. Yes, there is intolerance in society and in the church on these issues for various reasons… I actually have a friend who is your typical 'homophobe', and I understand why this is so. He was accosted by a peadophile at a young age and this experience has left an emotional scar on his psyche, so much so that he no tolerance for any sexual diversion from heterosexual feelings. The point I am making is… in spite of the unrighteous judgements and bigotry towards this lifestyle in and out of the church, when I strive to put SSA thoughts out of my mind and concentrate on the beauty that is the morality taught by the LDS Church on these issues, I have an inner power that moves me to self confidence, happiness and joy, in fact I find my abilities to love myself and others increased in incredible ways. The path is not easy, and I still find myself indulging in soft porn at times, though masturbation is now not an issue for me. The adrenalin rush and excitement do that for me. However I always feel empty and confused mentally when I throw caution to wind and indulge. However, I know that the atonement of Christ means I can keep striving to overcome these feelings of SSA and I can have wonderful victories along that path when the Holy Ghost is with me to bear witness of truth to my mind and as a result the mental confusion and depression dissipates and joy fills my whole being, a feeling that is more sublime than sexual stimulation. I know I will not be able to overcome these SSA feelings in my life, but my hope is that when this life is over, the strivings I have made toward the light that is Jesus Christ as taught by the LDS church will enable to experience great joy and peace of mind in the eternities to come…. and I know we are eternal, god-like entities in our own right and that with God, all things are possible, even overcoming SSA tendencies.
It's true that there is hypocrisy in the church, but there is a reason for that. We all have hypocrisy in us, yes even you Jennifer. The church contains imperfect people, however most of us appreciate that the gospel of Christ is true and hugely beneficial. We must never lose sight of the fact that even the leadership is not perfect, but at the end of the day, we personally are responsible for our own salvation as we strive to exercise faith in Christ. The church is evolving as time moves on and addresses social issues of our time which also include basic human rights. Remember, the church is not perfect, even it's prophets and apostles, however they are the closest to Christ than any on this earth.
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A Happy Hubby,
I can assure you Hubby that the church will not change its’ stance on this issue of same sex relations or any other sexual issue. As far as blacks holding the priesthood… this is a completely different issue. Only the African negro lineage was unable to hold the priesthood and in fact going back even further into history, only Jews held the priesthood. Your argument is a little uninformed. The truth is that the Gospel as taught by the LDS church is pure and of huge benefit to all people, the people of the church still have a lot to learn about overcoming hypocrisy, as we all do, but the gospel is true and it behooves us to at least strive on a daily basis to follow its precepts. None of us will achieve complete perfection in this life (including SSA challenged people like myself) but we can achieve little successes step by step toward ultimate perfection that will require the eternities to come.
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A Happy Hubby,
Sex outside of marriage between a man and woman is sin and this is probably why you felt that way. Sex is supposed to a sacred act that brings life into the world, and when I say life, I mean children as well as physical and spiritual joy in a husband and wife relationship. Joy is life, and true joy is true life. Any sexual sin will result in unhappiness deep within our souls.
Kari Sherlock Thank you Kari… the true gospel of Jesus Christ is the most important message in all time and eternity, I see you have a testimony of this also.
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Phil Weyers,
“I can assure you Hubby that the church will not change its’ stance on this issue.”
I am glad that you and God have this all figured out. Should I refer to you as the prophet Phillip?
You can see it different than me. I will allow you that and I would appreciate the same respect back. In other words, please don’t TELL ME HOW IT IS, tell me how YOU view it. Doing the former really comes off to me as self-righteous.
I have done some homework here on this subject and I have reached a different conclusion and see them as exactly the same thing. I read of leaders saying that until everyone in the world gets the gospel will blacks get the priesthood and other saying that it won’t be until the afterlife. That didn’t seem to come about that way, even though these leaders communicated with as much surety as I hear our current leaders are on their stance with Gays and their families. So how do I know if the anti-gay comments coming out of church leaders now is “just them talking without inspiration” or prophecy? I have to pray about it. When I do, I feel more of a feeling I need to forgive them and love everyone.
Out of the 31K+ verses in the bible there are near single digit number that can be interpreted as anti-gay and the same indicating God has restrictions on race. It feels to me that people cling on to these few verses to hold to a position that is going to give way at some point.
I will give you the last word as this is my last post on this thread.
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A Happy Hubby,
You need a different church Hubby, it obviously doesn’t agree with you.
Phil Weyers,
Phil – Ease up on Happy Hubby. You are proving him right in that you feel you have 100% of everything squared away with you and God and if anybody can’t live up to your level of enhanced spirituality, then you want them to get the hell out of YOUR church. I just feel the love of Christ. Maybe this is your way of helping yourself calm any doubts and feel like you are getting brownie points for calling people out that don’t believe everything you do.
You should really go read http://rationalfaiths.com/you-belong/
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Someone that likes Happy,
You probably have a good point ‘Someone that likes Happy’… I apologise. For me SSA is a blight in my life, a curse if you like. I personally need the purity of the gospel of Jesus Christ to help me focus on overcoming these desires so I don’t act on them and entrench more deeply in my character. The inference with the LGBT lobby is that religious dogma like that preached by the LDS church which condemns as sin any sexual deviation from that which it teaches, is part of the problem why young people with SSA are committing suicide. This is a biased view, I know from my own experience with this challenge that there is only misery associated with indulging SSA desires. My point is that I need the teachings of the LDS church to help me to improve my situation in overcoming these SSA desires. To me these teachings are true and divine. I will be the first to leave the LDS church if they ever change their stance in these issues of sexual purity…. which I believe will never happen, because the church teaches that God’s moral laws never change, something I have a firm testimony about. The gospel is about bringing joy into this life… it is called the Plan of Happiness for good reason. I believe young people are vulnerable to the false doctrine that SSA desires are inherent in our natures or genetic (which may be partly true) and cannot be controlled or improved upon (which is totally untrue). If you have a testimony of the power of God, you will know that with God all things are possible, but God is God because He aligns himself with righteous principles (and He understands completely all righteous principles as they effect the eternities). I have a testimony that as we follow true principles we will find true joy and happiness in this life which is the power to overcome misery and depression which can lead to suicide.
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Someone that likes Happy,
Great article about inclusion (you belong), thank you.