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In this episode of “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist” Brian and Laurel talk with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife about the effect of pornography and previous sexual experiences on the other partner’s desire for sex in a relationship, and in the second question we discuss the legitimacy of sexuality in long distance marital relationships (phone sex).
Jennifer mentioned the book She Comes First by Ian Kerner, which we talked about briefly in part 9 of this series which includes a list of other recommended resources. Also you can check out Jennifer’s course on Cultivating Desire, as it pertains to the first question addressed today.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a psychotherapist who focuses on issues surrounding female sexuality and feminism within the LDS framework. She holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology from Boston College where she wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality. She has taught college-level classes on human sexuality and currently has a private therapy practice in Chicago. In her private practice, she primarily works with LDS couples on sexuality and relationship issues. She also teaches online courses to LDS couples on these issues. She is married, has three kids, and is an active member of the LDS church.
Be Sure to check out Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s site for her online courses including How to talk to your (LDS) kids about sex: Fostering healthy development in a sex-saturated age as well as her other online courses.
If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to askdrfife@rationalfaiths.com
Music: Sugar Blues (Pubic Domain)
I have a question about the effect of long term pornography use on the sex life of a newly married couple. I am about to get married and both me and my boyfriend have had problems viewing pornography from a very young age. It wasn't until I was exposed to these podcasts that I was relieved from all the extreme shame and depression about it and now feel I have a healthier view about it. (These have changed my life and I can't even begin to express how grateful I am about that. Just wanted to say that) . I am worried, though, that because we have both been so exposed for so long to it, that it will affect our sex life, specifically my arousal as a woman. I am trying to distance myself from the porn and just focus on having a healthy sexual outlook and healthy sex life, but I'm afraid too much damage has been done. Do you have any advice for us for when we get married?
Enjoyed the podcast. Relative to the suggestion about phone sex being a reasonable activity: I think it would have been good to qualify the suggestion with a caution that such activity could (but doesn’t necessarily have to) lead one of the parties into rationalizations and into more eroticism and likely lust (at first for the spouse and then for anything that walks) via pornography or worse. This is kind of a virtual sexual activity and is potentially dangerous because the parties are pairing the arousal with something that is virtual (or close to it) and that is a slippery slope that can lead to sexual behavior without the spouse involved at all.
Thanks for the podcast.
What advice would you give a couple where the wife, due to back problems may be unable to have or enjoy sex for a long period of time?
In addition, medications associated with the surgery and association of that part of the body with pain may reduce the wife’s sex drive.
Recent spinal fusion surgery shows promise of being successful, but can take up to a year to fuse, and the long term effect on sexual ability or sex drive is still unknown.
As a result, the husband has cycles of a buildup of sexual tension.
He may feel conflicted, when getting relief from the sexual tension from his wife, since such activities are rather one sided.
But he may also question whether to relieve such tension through self exploration (ie masturbation).