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Interviews with LDS Relationship and Sexuality Counselor Dr. Finlayson-Fife
Here in the 25th installment of the “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist” series Jennifer responds to three new questions. One question regarding maintaining intimacy in long distance relationships, one about discomfort with talking dirty during sex, and one about masturbation.
Additionally, check out Jennifer’s Christmas sale.
If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to askdrfife@rationalfaiths.com
Music: Sugar Blues (Pubic Domain).
Fabulous music. I noticed that credit is attributed to the “Pubic Domain.” Scandalous.
I love to listen to Jennifer’s podcasts and love the advice she gives, however, I did want to add to her response regarding long distance relationships as it sounded as if Jennifer has had very little experience in this realm. As a former military member and a current International Project Manager I am all too familiar with long distance separations and although I do not have a PhD, when it comes to long distance relationships I have found that desperation is far more creative than education!
Let me state that Jennifer is right on in using different media to spice things up while separated. Sending intimate selfies or intimate Facetime conversations really spice things up and I can confirm that even the most conservative Mormon Relief Society President who is nervous about sending such intimate communication with her husband during the first few weeks will be sending photos that would make a porn star blush after several months apart (just kidding, kind of). But I would like to add a few suggestions that work for me and my wife that may help your listener that Jennifer did not mention.
When separated by long distances (especially when one spouse is half a world away) time differences play a huge role in your communications so you have to find ways to have conversations that may have long pauses in them since the other spouse may be at work or sleeping when you have time to communicate. To spice up our love communications we like to play games using either email or text. This communications can be even more fun than pictures as you share desires and fantasies with each other. For instance, we might play a game where I start out with a text that reads, “Today I purchased two airline tickets to ______.” My wife will then respond by filling in the blank and adding a new line such as “Tahiti. We are only allowed one small suitcase so the only two things I can bring are _________.” To which I then fill in the blank and build on the story. Sometimes this game can last several days going back and forth due to response times but it tends to get more and more intimate as the story gets longer. I have found that after a month of separation you could have a text conversation on the Nature of the Holy Trinity and it will turn sexual within 10 minutes! LOL
Another fun thing we do is we will text each other using only Emoticons and carry out entire conversations using no words only pictures. For instance, I might put in an Emoticon of an Eye followed by a Thought Bubble, Smoke and then Fire and she has to guess that I am saying “I think you are Smoking Hot”. It is amazing how many sexual innuendos you can make from Emoticons and when there isn’t a good emoticon for what you want to say get creative and use something close, once you both know what different symbols mean you can have really intimate and fun text conversations that only have meaning to the two of you and even if the kids see one of your texts they have no idea what you are saying to their mother (which is a really good thing)!
There are many different game ideas on the web for long distance relationships so I recommend looking there for ideas.
Another good idea is to listen to Jennifer’s podcasts on Rational Faiths separately as you have time and then when you do get to talk on the phone you can discuss your thoughts and it may help spark new ideas to try. Since I usually have more alone time than my wife when I am away I will often listen and then tell her about some of the interesting conversations and get my wife’s feedback, this can really get some fun conversations started.
Lastly (and this is not for the feint of heart) there are sex toys on the market which can be controlled via web based connection (isn’t technology wonderful)! Although we have not been comfortable trying this yet (mainly because I don’t want to have to explain it to the TSA agent rifling through my bags) but as long as you have a data connection you can have intimate conversations and control the toy of the other person at the same time (yes they make them for both men and women). I realize this is not for everyone and may be shocking to those who have never been separated for months or years on end but when you are separated for that long anything that keeps the spark going is critical to a marriage and sometimes you have to stretch a little out of your comfort zone to keep things hot.
Hopefully these ideas are helpful to other couples in these long distance relationships. Keep up the good work Dr. Finlayson-Fife.
Landon B.
Wow! You gave some great ideas, Landon! Thank you for sharing!
I’d love to ask a question for the next podcast installment with Jennifer. How can I go about submitting that question?
My oldest just turned 16. Over the past year I have noticed him following more and more “fitness” accounts on Instagram–women wearing bikinis, thongs or sports bras under the guise of exercise. I’ve listened to lots of your work about shaming our children’s sexuality, but as a mom and a feminist, I find this behavior unpalletable. Is this behavior a slippery slope into pornography? If this is normal bahaviour, please help me understand what this accomplishes for him developmentally. If this is not normal, what does the healthy expression of emergent sexuality in a teenage boy in the church look like? Thanks!