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Interviews with LDS Relationship and Sexuality Counselor Dr. Finlayson-Fife
Here in the 24th installment of the “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist” series Jennifer responds to two new questions. One question is about navigating intimacy after having learned to orgasm after many years of going without. The second question asks how to manage a relationship in which the spouse is leading a kind of double life.
Additionally, check out Jennifer’s upcoming events that we discussed. HERE for the Art of Desire retreat in Utah, and HERE for info on the couples retreat in Jackson Hole.
If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Music: Sugar Blues (Pubic Domain).
I really like how this podcast invited me to consider evil. It reminds me of how easy it is for me to be evil, proud, and manipulative. It reminds me that this is part of my inherent capabilities. The discussion of evil reminded me a book I read some time ago called _People of the Lie_ by M. Scott Peck. I appreciate to invitation to see where I might be evil–manipulative, evasive, duplicitous, dishonest, and willing to withhold the truth and myself from others. Thanks!
Most Mormon therapist books and podcasts I’ve listened to seem to focus on the Woman having the “good girls syndrome”. What advise do you have for a woman married to a man who has suppressed his sexual desires for so long, trying to observe the law of Chasity, that he is the one with that syndrome and it has escalated into ED?
Question for the three of you:
My wife and I have been pretty happily married for almost a decade. But I had a very good female friend that I recently cut ties with because I started to not be able to manage my feelings well. But I miss her. We would laugh and talk pretty frequently. We helped each other through some hard things. I felt alive and good about myself.
My wife is absolutely wonderful, and she and I talk and laugh almost every day… but it feels different.
I’m really worried that it’s because what I had with my friend was new and exciting, and I relied on her validation. My wife and I have based our relationship on consistency and routine and she likes that and I like aspects of that too. How do I replace that feeling of excitement and newness and still keep a safe/consistent environment for my wife. What kinds of things can I do to validate myself in a way thats fulfilling and genuine instead of relying on female friends?
You did the right thing by cutting ties with your friend. The best thing you can do is talk with your wife. Tell her how you feel, that you need something in life to look forward to that’s exciting. Chances are even though she likes consistency, she is also feeling that things could be better. Feelings for someone other than your spouse will only hurt your marriage. It was once new and exciting with your wife. Find ways to remember that even with the daily mundane things that happen in a family household.
The last thing you want is an extramarital affair ending in broken marriage.
My husband had a friend and things went from friendly to very friendly quickly. I felt broken for a very long time. And still wonder what went wrong. Talk to her, tell her how you feel. It might be a hard conversation but let her into your head. The marriage you have now should be your top priority.