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Interviews with LDS Relationship and Sexuality Counselor Dr. Finlayson-Fife
Here in the 23rd installment of the “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist” series Jennifer responds to three new questions, all coming from men (you can call this the man-show). The questions cover topics of intimacy after tragic loss, disparity in desire, and becoming a more confident lover.
Additionally, check out Jennifer’s event page here for info on the upcoming workshops we discussed.
If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to askdrfife@rationalfaiths.com
Music: Sugar Blues (Pubic Domain).
Yes come to Boise!
I am! Check the events page for more information. Tickets just went on sale! : http://www.finlayson-fife.com/events/
I checked the events page, but couldn’t find an event in Boise. Just powder mountain and Jackson hole.
The Boise event has sold out with a long waitlist so we took it off line. The Art of Desire Retreat in Utah in September still has a few spots : http://www.finlayson-fife.com/events/2018/art-of-desire-utah-retreat.
Can I really as only a single man am I ask questions to ladies there
After listening to episode #23, my wife realized that she has not fully chosen me. She recognizes that although early in our marriage I was her #1 choice, now our 5 children are definitely her top priority in life (and have been for the past 16 years). They are everything to her, and I’m left feeling like I have to compete with them for her time, and her love and affection. She struggles to want to have date nights, or go on vacations without the kids, or tell them they can’t sleep on our bedroom floor, because she prefers to have them around rather than have alone time for the two of us. She receives tons of validation and affection and connection from the kids, which virtually eliminates any need she has of receiving those things from me (or giving them to me). I have felt her lack of choice for quite some time, although I’m just recently understanding what I’ve been feeling as your course and podcasts have given me the vocabulary and understanding of the concept of fully choosing your spouse. Over the past year we have taken your online relationship course, she went to a live Art of Desire seminar, and together we have done a lot of work to reconnect and strengthen our marriage. But there is still this issue of me not feeling fully chosen, and her admittedly not fully choosing me.
She says she WANTS to choose me, and I totally believe she is sincere, but she isn’t sure what that really means or what it actually looks like. Can you give us any clarification of what it means to choose your spouse, and any pointers on how to get there?
And I’d love to know if you see this a lot in your practice, where the wife unwittingly chooses the kids over the marriage. I worry this might be a very common problem for women, but especially for LDS mothers who are often taught growing up that being mother is the most important accomplishment in life (rather than being a wife), and that the husband almost becomes a means to an end to achieve their ultimate goal of being a mother and having an eternal family.
My wife has told me that our time with the kids is so short, she feels like she needs to take advantage of every day with them. That means that me and the marriage usually get the short end of the stick. I can’t compete with the validation, fulfillment and satisfaction she gets from taking care of the kids. I know she loves me, but not as much as she loves our kids. I see so many empty nesters getting divorced lately, which I think is a result of marriages being neglected for 20+ years for the sake of the kids. Once the kids leave, the women lose their source of validation and fulfillment, only to realize that their husbands can’t or won’t replace it for them because they harbor so much hurt and resentment after years of playing second fiddle to the kids. Plus there just isn’t a real connection between them anymore, they don’t have anything in common but the kids who are now gone. The marriage has got to be the priority. You’re not doing yourself or your kids any favors to make them the center of the universe. It’ll set them and your marriage up for failure.
She says we’ve got the rest of our lives together once the kids are gone. But sometimes I worry I can’t or don’t want to wait that long to feel loved and connected and chosen. But I’m scared to tell her that.
My wife has told me that our time with the kids is so short, she feels like she needs to take advantage of every day with them. That means that me and the marriage usually get the short end of the stick. I can’t compete with the validation, fulfillment and satisfaction she gets from taking care of the kids. I know she loves me, but not as much as she loves our kids. I see so many empty nesters getting divorced lately, which I think is a result of marriages being neglected for 20+ years for the sake of the kids. Once the kids leave, the women lose their source of validation and fulfillment, only to realize that their husbands can’t or won’t replace it for them because they harbor so much hurt and resentment after years of playing second fiddle to the kids. Plus there just isn’t a real connection between them anymore, they don’t have anything in common but the kids who are now gone. The marriage has got to be the priority. You’re not doing yourself or your kids any favors to make them the center of the universe. It’ll set them and your marriage up for failure.
Where can I submit a question? It is mostly unrelated to the questions asked here (really excellent episode, by the way) but related to differences in sexual preferences and styles. I sent the question by clicking “contact us” above, but is that the best place?
Hi Laurie,
Please send questions to askdrfife@rationalfaiths.com. Thanks! JFF
Where is the best place to submit a question? I sent one regarding sexual preferences by clicking “contacting us” above.
Jennifer, it might be a little helpful if you clarified the metaphor “metabolize” that you sometimes use. It seems to mean something like “incorporate” or “work and struggle to make something part of you.” I think you use this metaphor in a few podcasts. In episode 20, at around minute 35:53, for example, you say that “if you are going to grow you have to metabolize more anxiety within yourself.” In this case, it seems to mean doing the difficult work of learning to incorporate something by responding appropriately and courageously to it. In this episode you seem to say that people respond poorly to anxiety. That poor response creates an unhealthy pattern. In order to develop a good response, one must learn to respond better to anxiety. Somehow anxiety becomes a part of the body, but that anxiety is used or incorporated in a healthy manner. Is that what the metaphor means?
Hi Shawn, Thanks for your question. You are interpreting what I’m trying to convey correctly. I think of metabolizing as working through the difficulty of something, and directing the energy from that process towards creating or choosing something better or stronger. You may be saying even better than I am : “…doing the difficult work of learning to incorporate something by responding appropriately and courageously to it.” And to your last question : Yes. Anxiety is fundamental to human experience. We can’t escape it. If we let anxiety / fear / uncertainty overtake us though (we collapse into our fears or avoid difficult things) we will ultimately experience more anxiety in life. If we on the other hand confront fear and tolerate uncertainty (i.e. bravery) to do what we think is right / best, then we create better realties and relationships in our lives and our overall level of anxiety decreases. We never escape anxiety as fundamental to all growth but we can utilize it to foster our development and create a better world or life for ourselves. Hope this is clarifying. JFF