Last Saturday my wife tells me that our 13 year old La La (nickname) is going to be set apart on Sunday as a counselor in the Beehive’s Class Presidency and we are invited to attend. I sigh, not because I don’t feel proud of her but because I feel afraid of this moment as it signals one of several uniquely Mormon events aimed at her initiation and socialization into the Mormon male priesthood. I ask my wife whether I should wear a shirt and tie. She says: “I think it would be nice” and I grumble. The following day I press my shirt, throw on some slacks and a tie, and head off to church with my family.
We head to the Beehive’s classroom where my wife and I see the familiar faces of La La’s Beehive class along with the Young Women’s Presidency. I am the father of four daughters, two of whom are in Young Women’s, and lately the presidency have been regulars at our home. They have dropped off poster board, markers and glitter; They have dropped off assignments for class; They have picked up my girls for Mutual; They have stopped by to chat while they are out on their walks. Their involvement in the lives of my girls is breathtaking. I disagree with these women on occasion but without a doubt they love my girls, and that alone is worth my respect and loyalty. In the Beehive’s classroom I take a seat on my wife’s left.
The Bishop enters. He shares a thought or two before he gestures La La to take the seat before him. He then signals for me to join him in the circle. I freeze, unprepared for this invitation. I stand up and move towards the front of the classroom where a space between the other men has opened up for me – a man. A circle of men surround my 13 year old daughter, pressing their hands upon her head while she sits very still, and so very young. A metaphor perhaps for the years that she will face as a Mormon woman, surrounded by men, under the eyes of men, closed in and made small by men. And then I look around at the faces of those women who so tirelessly serve and support my daughter. I look at my wife, arms folded, deferential, and soundless, giving in wholeheartedly to this moment in which she is rendered a mere spectator. I try to hold back my tears as my mind races with questions aimed at the women in the room:
“Why are you just sitting there so silently? Why do you accept this so meekly? Why aren’t you on your feet demanding to join us? Why aren’t these women, who know and love my daughter, the ones standing here, laying their women’s hands gently upon her head, and invoking the blessings of God upon her?”
A voice intones the blessing.
I begin to weep silently, tears begin their descent down my cheek. My head is swirling with rage, panic and sadness, “Why CAN’T they join us?!” The question throbs in my chest and in my head. And I want to run.
In my mind’s eye I begin to see my wife’s face take shape. Always smiling, always supportive, always proud and reverent. She is a good woman, a strong woman. I think of each of my four daughters and the ordinances and blessings I have performed for them. Again I see my wife’s reverent gaze, the way she looks up at me and then bows her head. Always silent; always compliant, and always respectful. But as much as I love her I don’t require her deference to my priesthood. I want my wife next to me. I want to stand on her left with my hands resting on hers as we bless our daughters. I want my daughters to know that one day they too can be priests, with the power and authority to bless. But they aren’t permitted, and my fury at this injustice swells.
I’m not one to sit stoically upon my feelings. It’s neither in my nature nor my upbringing, and during our ride home I am full of indignation. I can be a bullheaded jackass of a man sometimes, and so on the way home I rail. My wife on the other hand is a Snow and has learned from her pioneer heritage a degree of resilience, strength, will and determination, often directed at the maintenance of the status quo. That’s the thing about this breed of Mormon women; they can be fiercely resigned and protective of their ‘God given’ right to spiritual inequality. She’s good people, but infuriatingly OK with things I think are going to end the world. It’s one thing to defend a regime of inequality for yourself, but its another thing to defend it for your daughters – for my daughters. And so there they all are, my gorgeous, talented, beautiful daughters between a mother who is at blissful ease with the priesthood she and they will never have, and a father who is frightened that his daughters will give themselves over to a system wherein they will spend their lives ‘under the direction’ of that power and priesthood.
My youngest will turn eight years old later this month and she wants to be baptized. I desperately want my wife to be a witness to her baptism. But we all know that is an impossibility. On the day of her baptism I expect to see, once again, the faces of those reverent and hushed women who lead primary, women who love my little girl, passively bow their heads in a collective sign to all of my daughters that good Mormon women stay quiet. I don’t know how long I can endure this?
Can I really justify exposing my daughters to any environment that renders them less than? I cannot deny having had compelling spiritual experiences that have justified my being and staying a Mormon. But are these experiences compelling enough to subject my girls to an institution that continues to justify their subjugation simply because they were born with vaginas?
In some ways the Church is a great emissary of the Savior particularly its emphasis on service, fidelity and the atonement. But those strands of inequality and injustice that hover and linger around questions of gender are threads that I feel are braiding themselves into a flaxen cord that is pulling some of us downward and away from genuine goodness, truth and knowledge, away from our community, away from a faith that used to hold us so steady. As a father of four glorious daughters I can’t keep silent and quietly watch them fade in the shadows of men who will never see the potential in them that I can see, men who will never love them like I love them.
Viliami, this is among the most moving and profoundly important essays I’ve read in the subject. Your voice is clear, impassioned and filled with love. .. Your daughters are blessed, as is your good wife, to have you in their lives. Thank you, brother. God bless.
I have had a husband who was not worthy to use his priesthood for years. I have struggled with my own testimony of the priesthood but as I have been going to therapy for my own healing, I now see how men NEED the priesthood. As women we are not denied ANY priesthood power but men NEED the priesthood to “feel” because they have served. Many women feel and then serve (it is easy for many women to see a need and feel compassion and serve…not all of course). It makes sense to me. If men didn’t have that duty (this is not saying all…but most), we would lose alot more to the world. I have prayed much about this and have resolved my own difficulties and I feel peace. I feel grateful when I can watch with admiration as worthy men do fulfill their priesthood duty.
My husband doesn’t seem to need the priesthood to “feel”. I tend to not serve easily. So should we switch?
Viliami – Excellent post! I am the woman who just sits there quietly, head bowed, never saying anything about wanting to be more a part of things. I sat by while a neighbor baptized my son, and a bishop we’ll probably never see again (we moved) confirmed him. I sat quietly and reverently as my older son was ordained. I wish I had the courage to do more. I do sometimes rail against things and tell my husband, but he’s faithful and doesn’t understand why things would need to change. I’ve never dared share any of this with the bishop or even my fairly open-minded visiting teachers. Your post makes me think of the things I could do without being disrespectful, and makes me wish I had the courage to do them.
I don’t have any daughters yet, but I wonder the same things about my sons — can I continue to encourage them down this path? And I live in fear of ever having a daughter, because if I do, the questions will become so much more difficult.
Whoops, forgot about my Gravatar. Guess I’m not quite anonymous here 🙂
For Katie and Viliami, We need people like you.
http://ordainwomen.org/submit/
My heart breaks and I am stunned at seeing so many members of the church that are seeking the ordination of women. I have nothing against women. I love my wife dearly.We are equal partners in our marriage. As for me, I follow a prophet of God. The Lord leads this church. God has given certain roles to men and women for a reason. I believe this movement to ordain women is a worldly feminist movement that is a tool of Satan to destroy the church. The initial fact that women would defy council from the First Presidency to abstain and protest them anyway at General Conference is to me a sign of apostasy to be frank. We as members do not receive revelation for the church to make changes in the church because we want something. That is reserved for the prophet of the Lord. With an apostate, the more he disagrees and protests the doctrines of the church , the more contempt they feel against the church and you start to think you know better than the prophet. These people ended up thirsting for the blood of Joseph Smith. If there ever comes a time for women to hold the priesthood, then the Lord will tell His prophet and he will tell us. He doesn’t need a bunch of people badgering him about it. If you believe he is a true prophet then trust him on how the church is run. If not, then I feel sorry for you and your decision.
“As for me, I follow a prophet of God.”
Therein lies the problem and, I fear, the downfall of the Church. A prophet’s role is to call us to repentance and point us to Christ, not to be our “leader” and tell us everything we should do. Leader worship is rampant and will be our undoing.
The Lord does not just randomly decide to bestow knowledge or commandments. Most if not all of Joseph Smith’s and likely all prophets’ revelations were obtained as the result of them seeking knowledge and understanding – asking questions. Many were also given as the result of others petitioning Joseph to ask the Lord about particular topics (the Word of Wisdom is a prime example). If we don’t ask, we won’t receive. That goes for all of us, including “the prophet”. We are ALL entitled to as much knowledge as we faithfully seek. That may even mean that if we seek knowledge about a particular topic that “the prophet” hasn’t, we may individually have more knowledge than him. We are only entitled to use that knowledge for our own personal benefit or as the Lord directs, but there is nothing wrong with then asking “the prophet” to seek knowledge from the Lord.
You may follow a prophet, “but as for me and my house, we will [follow] the Lord.”
Amos 3:7.
D&C 1:38.
I guess his only job isn’t to teach repentance, but these are just the scriptures – what do they know?
I wholeheartedly second Melody’s comment. Very moving. I’m the grandmother of 3 girls.
Great post Viliami! If there is a spirit to be felt, I feel it stronger than ever when people open up like this and share their intimate thoughts and feelings. Thanks for sharing, I feel for you bro.
This is profoundly beautiful. This. This. This. From a male ally. You, sir, are the pants.
Thank you so much for all the encouraging comments.
Viliami,
Thank you so much for this. Your feelings mirror mine very closely. You are not alone.
Regarding the future baptism/confirmation of your daughter, consider discussing with your wife ways in which she could be included if she desired. For instance, you could make sure that she stood front and center at the font in order to witness the event undisturbed by others. The church does not allow her to serve as an official witness. But nothing prevents her for serving as your family’s official witness, and the first face you look to for approval after performing the ordinance.
Your wife could also prayerfully write out a few lines to have spoken as part of the blessing that accompanies your daughter’s confirmation. Joseph wrote out the dedicatory prayer for the Kirtland Temple (D/C Sec. 109). Your wife could do something similar here. She could fast/prayer over the matter, and write her inspired counsel. You then memorize that counsel and include it in the blessing (or read it if you feel more comfortable). While your wife’s hands cannot join yours at this time, at least her words can.
And to think, all this inequality most likely would never have occurred had Jesus ordained at least one woman as an Apostle.
The fact that he didn’t says more about Jesus than it does about those that are simply following the pattern he left for them.
It likely says more about those who recorded the history of Jesus than anything else.
Michael, some contemporary records suggest Jesus *did* ordain female apostles, Mary Magdalene being the most notable among them, which was why the Saviour first appeared to her. The writers of the Gospels were very much in conflict with those who recorded these events and according to some scholars, it is very likely that they did not include the names of the female apostles on purpose. Unfortunately for their narrative, they could not leave out the story of Jesus appearing to Mary Magdalene first because it that account is necessary as proof of Jesus’s resurrection.
And to think, Christ commissioned only men as missionaries, only met with men at synagogue, and only sang hymns with men. Yet, without any revelation, we decide that we can just uppend his pattern, let women serve missions, let women meet (and speak and pray!) in church meetings, and let women join the MoTab.
Oh, the gaul! When will we learn to follow Christ’s pattern and only do the things he expressly allowed to be done during his early ministry? Women playing vollyball! Women dancing with men! Women touching the sacrament tray! Oh, this wicked, wicked generation!
Dave, please see my comment under Michael’s previous comment. The suggestion that Jesus had no female apostles or that the Early Christian Church was devoid of prominent women serving as deaconesses and apostles is to be ignorant of contemporary scholarship as well as the Bible itself.
It is evident that you know everything about Jesus Christ, his intentions and teachings by the tone of your comment Michael.
Viliami, this is beautiful and so closely mirrors my concerns about raising kids in the church. I do not have kids yet, but the thought of raising them to believe they are unequal (for girls) or that the need the priesthood because they are naturally more evil (for boys) is a terrible thought to me. I applaud your bravery to speak your mind. In a religion where women are culturally trained to keep silent it is nice to have a man speak up and encourage women to do the same.
Jesus only ordained Jewish men,should we only ordain Jewish men? I thought not.
I don’t believe Jesus ordained anyone.
My point was (and rather poorly explained, my apologies) is that Jesus caused unforeseen repercussions thousands of years into the future. How many women have been relegated to 2nd class citizens because of Jesus’ actions on who he chose to lead? Jesus was just a man. It’s time the man and the myths that have been created in his name be put behind us.
The first witness of Jesus’s resurrection was a woman, making Mary the first apostle.
Mary then went and told the other disciples that Jesus was resurrected making her the “Apostle to the Apostles.”
That is false doctrine.
This is so powerful, bro. No words; just a standing ovation.
I disagree. I was single for 51 years and grew up in a part member home. Only person to hold PH in 51 yrs was a grandfather where I spent a lot of time. I am so grateful to have access to PH blessings from a worthy husband, and I know I am blessed as a woman in ways that men will never be. I am childless, so motherhood is not it. I am blessed with feminity, compassion, and special insight thay I think only women are capable of. Let men “administer” the PH, and I will go right on being a joint heir with him through the sealing power of our temple marriage.
Calling Mary the Apostle to the Apostles is just paying lip service to the other sex. Then and now men have made the choices and women were expected to heed. Organized religion has failed us and this blog post goes to the heart of that.
Mary was an apostle in that she witnessed the resurrected Lord. Mary did not hold a priesthood office. I think this is because there was no priesthood (that would be mirror Mormonism’s priesthood) or office(s) for her or anyone else to hold.
Very possible I suppose. Good luck to you sir.
You have a tough road ahead but anything to make the LDS faith acknowledge their women as equals is a worthy cause to me.
Thank you Chris!
I appreciate your post, it was good,and I agree in many ways as there are things that I Dont understand or add up just right, but your wife is a pretty smart cookie and i am sure plenty of the other snow women are too, they may choose to believe, more than just being taught to follow the status quo. I can see how it portrays inequality, but just because it seems like a spiritual inequality to us, it may not to them, as some of the others women’s comments have shown. However, I understand and like i said agree with many of your genuine thoughts and concerns you have
Bob I am a woman and I think it’s unequal. Is my opinion less valid because I am in the minority among mormon women? Completely invalid altogether? Equality is not a feeling. Equality is a mathematical and can be measured. Here is a great series measuring the mathematical inequalities between men and women in the church. http://www.dovesandserpents.org/wp/category/columns/equality-is-not-feeling/
So well written! One of the reasons we left. I don’t want my wife or three daughters to be second class citizens! By their fruits ye shall know them….
Also, google “brother jake explains Mormons aren’t sexist”. Will have you laughing out loud!
Dave K.,
I think you may need to re read the NT. Jesus was actually quite radical and broke many social gender norms.
To those who think Jesus did not do amazing things and that Mary was just a passing bone thrown to women please step back and remind youselves that you are ignorant. Your Mormon male privilege is disgusting.
Jessica, to clarify (and I don’t think you were referring to me with your comment) I think the women in Jesus’life were amazing, as were the men. I’m simply trying to say that I don’t think there was a priesthood or priesthood offices in early Christian communities that resembled anything like what we have in modern Mormonism.
Wow. Just WOW. Thank you for this moving account. Your daughters are so lucky to have YOU as a dad!
Thank you Donna 🙂
Beautifully written. This summarized so many of my own feelings. The notion that men need the Priesthood in order to be able to exercise charity, love, service; is not a notion I can tout as healthy. It’s not respectful or accurate to assume men are incapable without this. In addition, women have far more talent, wisdom, strength and compassion than they are being recognized for within this church; these reasons and more, made me realize I can’t stay. I can’t sit idly by, in silence, assuming everything will work out. To be complacent and indifferent is not the same as being at peace. I hope more men like Viliami are able to speak up about this heartfelt concern and that women will see the importance of equal worth when it comes to the well-being of our daughters.
Thank you! We need to stop demeaning our men and their abilities also. This is about not judging someones abilities and strengths based on their gender, this is about each member being seen as worthy, each member being seen as equal, each member being treated with love.
You cannot teach children from birth that women do not have access to power or the answers except through men and then expect anyone to believe that women have the ability to have the answers or handle power appropriately except through men. Women will never receive equal opportunities or equal wages as long as women do not have access to equal power in the religious arena. BRAVO TO YOU FINE SIR!!!!!!!!!!!
If I understand you correctly I think this is my primary concern right now.How can I have my girls participate in a sexist discriminatory Church and expect it not to have a negative effect on them?
I can’t. I can try to mitigate that negative influence but I can’t erase it unless I take away the influence. I have the agency to CHOOSE not to expose myself or my girls to a religion that is discriminatory. I could walk away from injustice. I haven’t. Others haven’t. We justify it for a million different reasons but I don’t feel good about it.
Oh sure I’ll agitate for change while I’m here, but why don’t agitate for change by taking me, my family, and my money elsewhere?
dunno.
“Why are you just sitting there so silently? Why do you accept this so meekly? Why aren’t you on your feet demanding to join us?”
For the same reasons you didn’t say anything either, only moreso. Women have even more to lose by standing up for themselves.
(Personally, I’ve just stopped playing. I had little credibility or authority to lose to begin with, and no matter what anyone says, they have no intention of giving me any more.)
Would you mind expounding on thi a little?
I can’t say what she meant by the statement, but I can say why I understand what she means.
To stand up and express that I as a woman in the church feel I am being discriminated againt would cause a lot of turmoil and backlash. It would come from both the men and perhaps more harshly from the women, it would reduce my childrens acceptance by their peers and other families. It would essentially alienate me.
We are currently taking a breather from church to figure out if we can return under good conscience, and I am still not sure whay to do. I don’t want to subject my children to something that limits them based on their gender.
I have been in a church crisis for 2 years now. It has been the most painful experience, but a pain that is required to soften my heart. In Helaman Chapter 12: 2
“Yea, and we may see at the very time when he doth prosper his people…..doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do harden their hearts, and do forget the Lord their God, and do trample under their feet the Holy One—yea, and this because of their ease, and their exceedingly great prosperity. ”
When women turn to men (not jesus) for answers expecting them to receive revelation for us, we harden our hearts.
When women silently accept the very thought of allowing our precious husbands to procreate with other women, we harden our hearts.
A harden heart is a safe heart. We are not responsible to seek answers from a liberal God, but trust in conformity.
One must consider the price of softening the heart.
Dear sisters and brothers.
I am a christian, I believe The Book of Mormon is holy scripture, I wanted to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ when I was 8, I am married to a convert and we are parents of three Young men ages 16,18 & 20.
We live in Sweden, where the Church has about 9000 members nationwide.
I am currently serving as a YW-leader to the 12 YW in my ward.
Just to give a context to my comment…
I do not feel unequal. My spiritual contribution to family, YW and ward is treasured and respected.
I am growing spiritually, I feel my Saviours love, I am serving others and have joy while doing do.
The YW are being supported to take leadership responsabilities, speak freely in classes, enjoy their femininity as beloved daughters of God and live life as good humans.
I think the gospel and the church empowers women – and God certainly does. I feel The Spirit every day. Therefore I am happy.
Just let your daughters find their own happiness and don’t burden them with your own struggles on women equality – if they want to leave the church let them do so when they are older but please don’t force them especially when your wife is content with the church. Women do want a peaceful home environment.
By letting your own feelings take up such a huge importance/space in your familylife one could almost consider you a sexist…
I absolutely love, and support the idea of letting our daughters find their own happiness and decide… but the point is, the organization of the church in its current form is not helping that, or encouraging that either. It is helping those that fit in, or desire to fit in with the current status quo, but it seeks to change any dissenters to conform to that.
Some of my text got cut off, maybe my reply was to long?
Just want to add that our Heavenly Father and Mother certainly loves all their children.
Hugs,
Lydia
Welcome to Sweden!
P.S maybe most parents struggle with the feeling that “no one can possibly love and appreciate my precious children as deeply as I do” (in my case my wonderful sons)…? But they will be loved.
Equality is not a feeling. It’s something that measurable. It is great that you feel good about where you are like your place in the church, but the church does Not offer equality for men and women. I haven’t left the church yet but because of the sexism present in the church there is no way I can raise children and teach them -whether they are sons or daughters – that God thinks that they deserve equal abilities and opportunities. You mentioned heavenly mother, and this is one of my biggest hangup with the sexism in the church. There is no mother I know who would stop talking to her children because of how much they were going to hurt. So the fact that we have no communication with our heavenly mother but we are told as women that are greatest value lies and motherhood? It just doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t
Thank you Alice. I was hoping a female would address that comment.
Hi Lydia, let me say how much I love your name. My 2nd daughter (redhead top row) is named Lydia but we call her La La.
I disagree with you on a few key issues. If you’d like to discuss them let me know and I’ll share a few thoughts.
My husband doesn’t see this, but our sons do. When our 16 year old was ordained, he said, “Why isn’t Mom in this circle, too?” and I felt understood and felt hope. The men of our age generally do not see this problem, but the young often do.
BEWARE OF PRIDE!!! Your exaltation depends on it.
This all reeks of apostasy.
I’m bringing a reply by Cory down to the main body of the messages so I can pick it apart.
“I have nothing against women. I love my wife dearly.We are equal partners in our marriage.”
Wrong. Please look up the word equal.
“As for me, I follow a prophet of God.”
Me too.
“The Lord leads this church. God has given certain roles to men and women for a reason.”
Wrong. Men defined gender roles in the modern church. If not, please provide evidence where God restricted the Priesthood to men only.
“I believe this movement to ordain women is a worldly feminist movement that is a tool of Satan to destroy the church.”
In what looney tunes universe do you live in where equality would bring down God’s Church? I shouldn’t act so surprised, there were men and women who said the same thing about blacks and the priesthood.
“The initial fact that women would defy council from the First Presidency to abstain and protest them anyway at General Conference is to me a sign of apostasy to be frank.”
Although the Brethren often share opinions that are to be well considered they do not constitute doctrine and are not binding on the general membership of the church.
“We as members do not receive revelation for the church to make changes in the church because we want something. That is reserved for the prophet of the Lord.”
?!?!?!
“These people ended up thirsting for the blood of Joseph Smith. If there ever comes a time for women to hold the priesthood, then the Lord will tell His prophet and he will tell us. He doesn’t need a bunch of people badgering him about it. If you believe he is a true prophet then trust him on how the church is run. If not, then I feel sorry for you and your decision.”
Suggesting that we are like those who were “thirsting for the blood of Joseph” is disgusting, nonsensical, and evidence of your spiritual and emotional immaturity.
I said good day sir,
Sir, I perceive by your words that your testimony of the Gospel is waning. The prophet of this church is the mouthpiece for the Lord. If you don’t follow what he proclaims then you dont follow the Lord. More than likely the reason the Lord appeared to Mary after his ressurection is because she was his wife, not that she was an apostle. If you protest the church, you are protesting the Lord himself and you are standing on shakey ground. One thing you need to remember . The Lord leads this church ,he is the end all on doctrine, no one else and he has promised us that our prophet will not lead us astray. The Lord said,”My ways are not your ways.” Follow the prophet and women will receive all that they were promised through their covenants by the Lord. Remember, Lucifer was not satisfied with what he had in the premortal life.
Mike ,I think you represent the future of the OW movement and their followers. Very sad that so any will give up exaltation because of pride.
Cary M. Judge not that ye be not judged.
Thank you for writing this! I absolutely loved reading this from a male perspective! I am touched by kind and thoughtful men like yourself that yearn for true equality. In my own way, I have struggled with this. It’s just very encouraging to read others’ points of view. I appreciate you sharing!
Jigga what? I’ve never been taught this. I was taught we don’t know Heavenly Mother’s name because Heavenly Father didn’t want people taking Her name in vain too. (Don’t know if that’s true, and it doesn’t matter to me either way, it was just the closest “teaching” I could think of to what you said here.) I don’t see why Heavenly Mother couldn’t communicate to us through the Spirit. She too is an exalted being.
Loved your article. I decided not to raise my sons in the church because I did not want them to think that inequality is normal or acceptable.