…the stories we tell:
Licked cupcakes
A rose that has been passed around
Used shoes
Chewed gum
Handled doughnuts
Bent nails
Licked twinkies
Used q-tips
-STORYLINE: Nobody wants you “used” or “damaged”.
…and what our leaders have said:
“Your virture is worth more than your life, please young folk preserve your virtue even if you lose your lives.”
-President David O McKay
“Girls, the flower by the roadside, that catches the dust of every traveler is not the one to be admired, and is seldom if ever plucked; but the one blooming away up on the hillside, protected by a perpendicular cliff is the flower with the virgin perfume, the one the boy will almost risk his life to possess.”
-President David o McKay
“Also far-reaching is the effect of loss of chastity. Once given or taken or stolen it can never be regained. Even in forced contact such as rape or incest, the injured one is greatly outraged. If she has not cooperated and contributed to the foul deed, she is of course in a more favorable position. There is no condemnation where there is no voluntary participation. It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.”
–Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness.
“There is no true Latter-day Saint who would not rather bury a son or daughter than to have him or her lose his or her chastity — realizing that chastity is of more value than anything else in all the world.”
–Heber J. Grant, quoted in The Miracle of Forgiveness, by Spencer W. Kimball
“Breaking the law of chastity is one of the most serious sins next to murder”
-Spencer W. Kimball “Do Your Remember Me?” Tambuli (June 1978), 49
“Sexual sin—the illicit sexual relations of men and women—stands, in its enormity, next to murder.”
–Message of the First Presidency, James R. Clark
“In the decadent society of Mormon’s time, he lamented that the women were robbed of that which was most dear and precious above all—their virtue and chastity.”
-Sister Dalton LDS General Conference April 2013
-STORYLINE – Your virtue is worth more than your life. Your sin is close to taking someone’s life. If you lose your virtue, you are worthless and better off dead.
…and what we have them study currently
“Virtue is a pattern of thought and behavior based on high moral standards. It includes chastity and purity. The power to create mortal life is an exalted power God has given His children. He has commanded that this power be used only between a man and a woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Study the meaning and importance of chastity and virtue by reading Moroni 9:9; Jacob 2:28; “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”; and the section on sexual purity in For the Strength of Youth. Also read Article of Faith number thirteenand Proverbs 31:10–31. In your journal write the promised blessings of being sexually clean and pure and your commitment to be chaste.” – Personal Progress for Young Women
In the scripture Moroni 9:9 these poor women are raped, abused, killed and eaten; they had no choice in the matter.
What these teachings lead to:
“I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value…Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value.” – Elizabeth Smart speaking on how she felt after being raped by her captor.
What about Jesus?
Did we forget about Jesus? Did we forget about the Atonement? Let’s stop these damaging stories about gum, donuts etc. Let’s start preaching more Jesus!
Pablo
Born and raised in Northern California, Pablo received his education at Ricks College and BYU with a BA in Spanish, minor in PE Coaching. Pablo served his LDS mission during the years 94-96 in Rosario, Argentina. He now runs a skate shop and batting cages in Orem, UT. He's married and has 4 boys.
All posts by Pablo
I love my children ever so much, and in an indescribable way that only a parent can understand. And I can say, without any hesitation at all, that I want them to live long, healthy, and happy lives even if they are raped. I have to admit that these quotes from prophets makes me stop and question whether they really understood the atonement. I don’t understand the “choose death first” sentiment at all.
Obviously there is a value to teaching abstinence. We have just got to figure out a way to do without making the ultimate message “you need to be a virgin or no one will want you.” That is not even a good reason to stay chaste under any circumstance, never mind the damage it does to those who are abused.
Well said, Paul. And excellent citations.
The problem is that there is such a pervasive belief in most of society in general that rape is “sex.” Rape is NOT sex. Sex is a consensual experience. Rape is violence against someone’s body. It is NOT the same. My heart simply broke when I read what Elizabeth said her reasons were for not going back…and I know that some people might say “well, the youth shouldn’t look at it that way, that being raped is different.” Well, when your a young girl, or boy, you read scriptures and messages like that, how is it possible to see the difference? The message boards all over the place are in a hubbub today about what Elizabeth said, and I really hope that everyone sees it and recognizes that the messages that our youth are being taught is just so wrong.
I’m an adult survivor, and I struggle to see the difference. Shame is a very powerful, and painful emotion.
A quote from Face Book regarding this post. I’ll keep the author anonymous as the comment was posted on FB. I’m sure if he/she leaves a comment here too, they will gladly own the comment:
“…Every message that communicates to young women (or young men, for that matter) that their inherent worth or virtue is tied to whether or not they have engaged in immature, ill-advised consensual sex with a cohort or been victimized by a sexual predator should be removed from teaching materials…”
I agree. We have reduced the word “virtue” as we have the word “modest”. Virtue only has to do with sex. It’s true definition is much broader than that.
The same person I quoted above also had this insight:
“…Virtue as a young women value refers to “sexual purity” among other things. (The alteration in definition of the general term “virtue” happens all the time in LDS and other religious settings.) I wish they were YW “Virtues” instead of Values and that would have fixed the issue. The same thing is done with “morality” and “immorality” in the church. The term has a general definition that has nothing to do with sexual activity, yet is has been made to mean that…”
Spot on!!
You know, as a survivor of sexual abuse, I couldn’t even finish reading the past quotes from leaders…
Also because I am a survivor, I have not been to the temple for about 3 yrs. I have a current recommend and I am worthy of it…the shame is too great.
We need to change the way we talk about this issue…NOW!
Big time Leslie!!!
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I don’t know you but I feel such love in my heart for you.
Paul, couldn’t agree more. If we lie once, we are not liars. If we steal once, we do not become robbers. And yet, we set up this all or nothing attitude toward the most powerful emotion the youth have. We bring such shame to fornication, masturbation, pornography and, unimaginably, to rape.
You left out one old cultural reference, by the way. During and following WWII, the Church had an oft repeated maxim in and out of the youth programs. “Better dead and clean than alive, unclean.”
From the Improvement Era article “Be Ye Clean” “An excerpt from the ‘Message of the First Presidency,’ delivered to the Saints during the April, 1942, General Conference of the Church, states: ‘Sexual purity is youth’s most precious possession; it is the foundation of all righteousness. Better dead clean than alive, unclean.) 1943, page 43.
Here is the good news: those stark messages have largely stopped from the conference floor pulpit and the correlated materials, but vestiges still thrive among our lay clergy.
Wow that is terrible. Thanks for pointing that out.
I think everyone is missing the point here. The quotes are from the prophets talking about those who choose to participate in premarital sex. Not those who are forced to participate in sex acts. The people who are raped are still pure in every sense of the word. Their virtue is not tarnished. Why do we have to twist words so much? We are talking about victims v.s. those who chose to commit sin.
I understand the feelings of unworthiness that must accompany those who have endured rape or molestation. However, if we would assure them of their innocence, perhaps their recovery will be hastened. (If possible)
I believe in the phrase “Death before dishonor,” but I would hope that it would be the rapist’s death we are talking about.
Claire White,
Comment
Those messages are horrible regardless of whether the person is a victim or a ‘sinner.’ Just because someone ‘sins’ does not justify what is being said and taught in those quotes. You are missing the point of this article. It is called ‘what about Jesus?’ No one should be made to feel less valuable as a person because they have had sex. Think about the girls who go to girls camp and pass around the piece of gum and then asked who wants to chew it now and then that is compared to sex. What about the girls who have fooled around in the sex department or those who have been molested and still feel they are somehow responsible for what has happened to them? How are they going to view themselves? As unworthy, not deserving of real love and intimacy. So they may just decide its a lost cause and act out sexually because they feel undeserving of love and think that is the only way they will come close to feeling it. Now what about the girls who were sexually ‘pure’ at that point but later on down the road messes up with her boyfriend and has the realization that she is that piece of gum and nobody will want her now? And so she continues in a relationship and eventually a marriage that she should not be in because she believes that nobody else will want her. The messages are just wrong and so damaging.
Claire White,
Comment
Those messages are horrible regardless of whether the person is a victim or a ‘sinner.’ Just because someone ‘sins’ does not justify what is being said and taught in those quotes. You are missing the point of this article. It is called ‘what about Jesus?’ No one should be made to feel less valuable as a person because they have had sex. Think about the girls who go to girls camp and pass around the piece of gum and then asked who wants to chew it now and then that is compared to sex. What about the girls who have fooled around in the sex department or those who have been molested and still feel they are somehow responsible for what has happened to them? How are they going to view themselves? As unworthy, not deserving of real love and intimacy. So they may just decide its a lost cause and act out sexually because they feel undeserving of love and think that is the only way they will come close to feeling it. Now what about the girls who were sexually ‘pure’ at that point but later on down the road messes up with her boyfriend and has the realization that she is that piece of gum and nobody will want her now? And so she continues in a relationship and eventually a marriage that she should not be in because she believes that nobody else will want her. The messages are just wrong and so damaging.
That is why we should be teaching our children early on the morals and values that will keep them physically, mentally, and spiritually safe. Yes, it is okay to feel guilt,shame and remorse for making a bad choice. That is how we learn. When we teach and learn about the atonement we understand that we can become the “unchewed” piece of gum once more. However, even though we can become clean again, physical, emotional, and spiritual scars can still remain. (STDs, low self esteem, difficulty with relationships ect..)
As parents we don’t let our children play in the street for fear of injury. Why don’t we teach our children God’s laws to protect them from injury as well. Just a thought..
Claire, I agree with “Sinner”. When it comes to this issue it doesnt matter to whom they are referring. The statements are wrong. Regarding the context being only for people that have premarital sex I would argue that you are incorrect on that. And regardless, the statements were terrible. The implication is that these people have stained themselves for life. You can’t remove the hole, you cant unwilt the flower, you cant unchew the gum, you cant unlick the cupcake. When you state that someones virtue has been taken from them or they gave their virtue away you are in turn implying that this “virtue” cant be given back. If the atonement is real, then these statements should never be made. If Christ truly died for our sins and our errors then he can cleanse someone in sexual sin as well. These comments are plain wrong and need to stop. Too many have been hurt by these comments.
And another point…why is it that only girls get this message? Why do boys not get told that they are losing their virtue. Why do boys not become a licked cupcake? Why do boys not become a wilted flower? WHy are boys not told that they have become chewed up gum? The message is always that it is the girl that is used and has lost her virtue. Women are told to not be walking porn. THey are told directly and indirectly that they are responsible for the way that men act and think. Why is that? why do we have to give those messages?
BANG! Nicely said Garrett!
Claire White,
“Also far-reaching is the effect of loss of chastity. Once given or taken or stolen it can never be regained.”
Never regained. Sounds like the pettle can’t be unwilted or the cupcake unlicked. That quote to me degrades the atonement as well as the worth of the soul. These teachings need to stop, no matter what sin it is applied to. The atonement is there for a reason.
Garrett,
Amen!!! That was awesome!!!
When I stop to think of all the collateral damage this mindset has caused ON TOP of the egregious pain already incurred because of whatever has happened to an individual, I can only imagine the exponential Holocaust of Souls we have created, unintentionally or otherwise. Hard to confront all those pronouncements at once and realize how anti-Gospel they truly are, but there it is.
I really appreciate almost all of the rational and loving comments here, and even though this thread hasn’t been active for 3 years, just in case anyone stumbles by, I want to share a post I recently read that is apropos:
http://www.lovedawn.com/the-atonement-its-not-your-gift-to-give/