Earlier this week I was caught up in an online conversation that has taken me a day to digest. On a thread discussing the trauma experienced by LGBT people and youth in the Mormon community, I had brought up Elder and Sister Nelson’s talks on Sunday. The backlash that was offered at first stunned me. But upon reflection, that backlash defines Mormonism today.
The question has been raised, how do the parents of LGBT children arrive at the moral decision to require celibacy and/or kick their child out of their home? I am not going to rehash the talks, but focus on the revealing nature of the responses in that thread to illustrate.
(1) Response 1 – Lots of things could be perceived in such a way so that one would commit suicide. There was a chef who committed suicide because someone asked for a doggy bag.
This statement totally disregards that our words can wound and lead others to suicide. And the comparison is so completely demeaning. It dismisses a legitimate situation with a ridiculous situation because the writer deems the plight of LGBT people as ridiculous.
(2) Feeling like one can’t say anything because it might hurt someone’s feelings is also ridiculous.
So requiring ourselves to be educated and responsible for our own words is ridiculous.
(3) She’s an esteemed religious leader’s wife, not the leader herself.
Well, I guess her words have no value since she is only an apostles wife. Pretty square with modern Mormonism.
(4) And where did she define an impossibility as possible?
It doesn’t matter if sexual orientation can’t be changed, it is what God requires. This mentality is killing another generation of beautiful Mormon youth.
(5) There are lots of ways to interpret what she said. And as I said, people will commit suicide over ANYTHING. (emphasis was the authors)
This is modern Mormonism. We are right and it doesn’t matter what damage our words cause, because we are right. Despite that the fruit of the spirit or our actions defines the tree from which it came.
(6) And were they homeless because ground rules were set that they didn’t want to live by and/or for behaviours they were actually doing or are they homeless because they were actually kicked out for being gay?
Victim blaming. And it is the LGBT Mormon youth’s fault that they are kicked out of their homes. The Church is right, therefore the apostle is right, therefore the parents were morally right and therefore the children who are out on the street were deceived by ‘servants of Satan.’
This is how a Mormon parent of LGBT youth arrives at having no moral responsibility and clean hands for the devastation and trauma experienced by their LGBT child.
Thomas Montgomery
TOM MONTGOMERY has been writing on the intersection of LDS and LGBT issues since 2012. He was an active member of the LDS Church until 2016. His journey covers going door-to-door in support of Prop 8 in California to having a great love for the LGBT Mormon community. He says that his single qualification to be in this esteemed company of authors is the privilege of being the father of a wonderful gay son. This has been a very spiritual journey. His greatest priority is being 100% supportive of the health and well-being of LGBT Mormon youth and adults in or out of Mormonism. Tom has written articles for Rational Faiths (http://rationalfaiths.com/author/thomas-montgomery/) and No More Strangers (http://www.nomorestrangers.org/grace/).
All posts by Thomas Montgomery
Hi Brother Montgomery,
You have shared your personal testimony. Let me share mine. I too am a gay Mormon man. I gave up trying to pray away the gay a while ago. For me, it wasn’t working and I’ve come to a place in my life where that is OK.
I’m married to an awesome wife, which didn’t turn me hetero, but we make it work and have a great marriage. It’s not a path I recommend or discourage. I recommend that each person seek the Holy Ghost and “work out their own salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord.”
I think it is our job as neighbors to love everyone and not judge.
I have concerns with your language that homosexuality is “a disease of the mind and burden of the spirit.” I prefer the language from the Church’s mormonsandgays website, “No one fully knows the root causes of same-sex attraction. Each experience is different. Latter-day Saints recognize the enormous complexity of this matter. We simply don’t have all the answers. Attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness.” Please don’t call homosexuality a disease.
Mike Smith
I may have read it wrong, but i think it was commenter Trent Nielsen who made the offensive comment about homosexuality being a disease of the mind, not Thomas Montgomery.
I’m also a gay man married to a woman. I would actively discourage anyone from doing that. Although we’ve ‘made it work’, my wife deserves to be with a man who’s attracted to her in ways i cannot be. And i deserve to be with someone I’m sexually attracted to.
The church’s recent policy/revelation will only lead to more bad situations and unhappiness.
Amen Utahhiker,
Another way to put it for those that have not had someone close that is gay is, “would you want your daughter (or son) to marry someone that would never find them attractive and truly desire them physically?” When I look at it that way, I don’t want to have my child’s marriage have such a huge part of what makes a marriage be missing from their life.
It seems to me that this issue seems to have few people that can stay in the middle ground and is very polarizing within the church. Those that are more accepting of gays is certainly growing (polls are clearly showing that), but those that are against any such acceptance are growing more staunch. The latter case seems to be where the top LDS leaders are at. It sure seems to me this is going to get much worse in the coming years.
Back many years ago I struggled with how the church dealt with blacks and the temple and priesthood ban (and general racism). After much study I wondered if I would be one of those pushing for change or one that either did nothing or even pushed for the status quo, both in society and church. I so wished I could say that I knew I had the moral backbone to do what was right. I now find myself where I have what I see as the moral equivalent with the issues of homosexuality. I see no other path than to push for acceptance given that I know I have to stand before my maker for an accounting of MY actions.
Is this satire? If so, well played. If not, shame on you! You claim that you want to show love to gays, but your attempts fail on so many accounts. First of all, Thomas has a son named Jordan who is beautiful inside and out. He is not suffering from so-called “Same Sex Attraction.” He’s not suffering from anything. There is nothing wrong with him. Thomas and Wendy Montgomery are heroes who are trying to shield their son and others from the kind of hateful, vile rhetoric you try to wrap flowery prose around. Do you know any gay people? Do you know their struggles, how many of them have been struggling for years to overcome natural-born tendencies because people like you have made them feel ashamed? If not, I suggest you get to know some before commenting any further on this topic.
Brother Montgomery my sincerest apologies. My comment was indeed meant for Brother Nielson.
My son does not have a disease of the mind. You are part of the problem.
Mike, it was a comment about homosexuality being a disease of the mind. Not my article.
Thank you for a thoughtful and necessary piece. I do appreciate it.
I think a list of LGBT people who are LDS that commit suicide should be kept. That might make some LDS leaders upset, but, it will also show how serious a problem there is, for now, gay LDS suicides can be dismissed as only being a few a year.
For Trent Nielson, I suggest reading the book “Goodbye, I Love You”, by Carol Lynn Pearson.
As evidenced by the daily FB posts, it seems you and your wife are obsessed with trying to understand the LDS church’s stance on same-sex attraction, and well you should be. What I can’t understand is why you are trying so hard to justify staying in a church that perpetuates this travesty. There are many churches where you could freely love and follow Christ without this horrible burden, guilt, confusion — and worst, devastation. Why fight to stay in it? Your “leaders” have spoken — this policy on gays and children of gay couples, according to them, is what God wants. You don’t believe that. You don’t sustain your leaders’ belief in that. Doesn’t trying so desperately to stay betray your son? So go! Find peace. I wish you the best.
Sandy Crockett,
Why fight to stay in it? Because there are countless more youth who are growing up gay in the church who need people on their side fighting for it to be a safe place for them. They could certainly leave and be happy (and perhaps one day they will), but until that day comes, I and countless others deeply respect the work they’re doing to make this a safer place for ‘the least of these’.
Ummmm, what? Do we have any actual quotes from said talk that will lead you to this rather poorly written and rambling article?
Thomas: Your bio above says "He has no political or activist agendas other than to be 100% supportive of the health and well being of LGBT Mormon youth and finding a place within the LDS Church for them." I can't see, with what inflammatory and inaccurate stuff you've written in this article, that you can possibly think that part of your bio is accurate. Inflammatory and inaccurate statements such as your clear implication that LDS leadership and the new policy encourage parents to kick their gay children out of their homes is very unhelpful and does far more damage than the new policy does.