It has come to our attention that questions have arisen regarding Brigham Young University’s recent announcement about caffeinated sugar beverages. These sincere concerns from well-meaning persons, as well as the ensuing gotcha journalism attempting to distort them, have prompted us to reaffirm our position.

While BYU makes their own decisions in administrative matters, this is not an administrative matter. This is neither so-called policy nor is it mere procedure. This is doctrine, and as such, has come to us through direct revelation.

“Though some in the media might willfully misunderstand,” church spokesperson Mohanri LeBaron explained, “man cannot change God’s laws. This is why, at this momentous occasion, we are reaffirming the revelation allowing the sale and distribution of certain beverages on BYU campus. You must forget everything that has previously been said about this issue.”

Just as similarly important decisions have been free from mortal influence, this marks yet another example of divine will being shared at the right time and in the right manner.

“It is clear that this is a grave matter of religious freedom,” said BYU Dining spokesperson LaDella Smith Anderson, pointing to a copy of Amicus brief recently filed by the Church. “Society is growing more sinful by the day, and though Babylon may mock, Zion will not mourn.”

“And, hopefully,” she added stone cold soberly, “the extra caffeine will help God’s football team. You know it makes missionary work harder when they lose so often.”



Peter and Molly live in Utah where they live a perfectly privileged life with their beautiful and perfect modestly dressed 3.5 children.

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