One of Jesus’ most transformative insights is that spirituality is an inside job. At a time when righteousness was equated with exact observance of rules, Jesus taught that God is concerned not so much with our actions as with the motivations behind them. There are only two commandments, and they are both love.
What, then, is the role of works? Paul teaches that loving intentions [footnote: I mean here true intentions, not the kind of weak intentions that are little more than a wish] will naturally result in good works. But it is dangerous to focus on works at the expense of love, because even the greatest works are spiritually meaningless without love. 1 Cor. 13:1-3.
This is wonderful theology but an administrative nightmare, because love is difficult to measure. A system that finds it necessary to assess the spiritual worthiness of individuals will almost inevitably fall back on works because they are concrete and measurable. Either you have paid your tithing or you haven’t. Only God can know whether you paid your tithing out of love, so human administrators gradually lose interest in intentions altogether. Focusing only on correct actions, we find ourselves back with the Pharisees.
This, of course, is the current state of the Mormon church. We give constant lip service to Christ’s atonement, but our highest aspiration is never to come within a hundred feet of it. If only we can prevent people from performing wrong actions, we think, they can return safely to heaven, untouched by the world and I would add, untouched by Christ’s grace.
This clearly is the view of Wendy Watson Nelson, author of the new Deseret Book publication, The Not Even Once Club, “an adorable and appealing . . . story that will help [children] choose for themselves to keep the commandments and to never break them. Not even once.” (http://deseretbook.com/Not-Even-Once-Club-Wendy-Watson-Nelson/i/5097848)
In the book, Tyler, a boy who is new in his ward, is invited to a kids’ clubhouse filled with candy and games supplied by the kids’ Primary teacher, Sister Croft. Tyler gains entrance to the club only by passing a test of ordering lemonade rather than coffee, tea, or alcohol at an imaginary restaurant and promising never to “break the Word of Wisdom, lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, bully, dress immodestly, or break the law of chastity. Not. Even. Once.”
The problem with Sister Nelson’s book is that it is evil. Satan wanted to shepherd everyone to heaven by coercing us to perform correct actions, regardless of our intentions. Version 2.0 of Satan’s plan replaces hard coercion with soft coercion: a lonely Tyler agrees to obey the commandments so he can be accepted into a group, and the other kids get “jars of pretzels and popcorn and candy” from Sister Croft “as long as we keep the promise.” (Sister Croft will surely buy each of the kids a car if they go an a mission, too.)
Missing from this story is the central element of Christ’s teaching and atoning sacrifice: love. What if Tyler wants to follow the commandments because he loves other people so much that he would not want to hurt them by lying, cheating, stealing, or bullying? What if Tyler chooses to live the Word of Wisdom and the law of chastity because he loves God and wants to show his gratitude for God’s gift of a body?
Perhaps the gospel is not about avoiding “stains” of the world, but about filling ourselves with a love so powerful that it transforms our very being, changing us from selfish wretches into people who will give our lives to our precious sisters and brothers and to that God whose love lights the whole world. The reward for this kind of dedication is not pretzels and candy or a mess of pottage, but the realization of our own divine nature.
Then there is the standard of perfect obedience to commandments. This is, of course, a doctrinal impossibility. Romans 3:23. But it also has serious psychological repercussions. Richard Beck writes [http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2013/05/elizabeth-smart-and-psychology-of.html] that we tend to think of sin in one of two ways. We sometimes use the food-based metaphor of purity in which a person, like food, becomes permanently contaminated by sin. Or we use metaphors of mistake or stumbling, in which we correct our errors or pick ourselves up and continue on.
Beck notes that Christians generally use the purity metaphor only for sexual sins (loss of female virginity in particular), but Sister Nelson applies it here to all sins. Even a single sin breaks the promise and leads to expulsion from the club (and loss of candy!). This book does not anticipate failure or provide guidance when a child inevitably sins. [footnote: In the parent’s guide at the end of the book, in tiny print, there is a section on repentance. It comes right after a paragraph urging exact obedience.] One of Satan’s great tactics is to cause people to believe that Christ’s atonement does not exist, that they are permanently irredeemable. This book plays into that thinking, setting children up for shame and humiliation.
As it turns out, mistakes are not only inevitable but are necessary for growth. There is some scriptural evidence of a positive correspondence between the magnitude of our mistakes and our potential for growth. Jesus taught that the debtor who owes the most is the most grateful when the debt is forgiven. Luke 7:36-50. Jonah jumped ship, Peter denied Christ three times, Paul persecuted the faithful, and Alma the Younger seems to have committed every single sin on Sister Nelson’s list. [footnote: There is no word yet on the availability of narcotics during Book of Mormon times or whether Alma the Younger wore an off-the-shoulder tunic.] Not a single one of these prophets—or any prophet, or Sister Nelson, or any human being—comes anywhere close to the Not Even Once Club. The purity standard is not only impossible; it prevents us from growing to become like God.
What I wish with all my heart to tell Tyler is that God loves him no matter what. God’s love is the very air in which we live, and move, and have our being. The only suitable thanks for such an incomprehensible gift is to embody it, to reflect that love back to God and to all of God’s children. That love is its own reward. There is no other test or prize. There are no ruined flowers or licked cupcakes. There is simply One whose heart swells wide as eternity with love. That is the only story worth telling.
Thanks to Margaret and Paul Toscano, who helped me develop these ideas in a lively conversation.
Note: Please join us in our campaign to have Deseret Book remove this title from its shelves because of the spiritual damage it will inflict on children. You can email your thoughts and requests to Dave Kimball at dkimball@deseretbook.com. (Please be nice to Dave but go ape on the book.)
Also, consider adding your own review to Deseret Book, Amazon, Goodreads, the Barnes & Noble website, and wherever you shop for books. (These links will take you directly to the book to review it.)
Edward Jones
EdwardJ is an attorney and amateur musician living in Washington, DC. His interests range from Buddhist meditation and minimalist art to Mozart's music, the poetry of Walt Whitman, and Catherine Deneuve's films. He studied classics with Margaret Toscano, for whom he wrote a small volume of poetry. He is working on a theological project called The Mystical Body of God the Mother. EdwardJ blogs at www.gailymormon.com.
All posts by Edward Jones
Cunning analysis; baffling story; powerful review.
I am almost speechless. I am furious. The whole concept of this book is almost incomprehensible to me. Seriously,to ask children to make a promise to never make a mistake. This is a set up for failure. They are being asked to make a commitment to never make a mistake. This is an impossible goal. I was abused by such impossible ideals as a child. It destroys the child’s self esteem. It causes them to believe that God will never love them unless they are perfect. It cause the child to feel sham continually. The child is being rewarded or punished continually. Being judged by parents who are not with out sin. This is child abuse.
I’m beginning to feel sorry for “Sister Nelson”, even though I have never met her or seen her or read anything by her.
However, I think it’s very important that LDS speak up about inappropriate writing.
I have read about this book on other Mormon blogs, and the consensus is the same; the book does not have Christian integrity. It, unfortunately, panders to modern LDS culture in a way that can definitely hurt children spiritually.
Well done–
but POOR “Sister” Nelson–
I do have to wonder a little bit about a person whose only recommendation is that she is the wife of a general authority. Maybe she needs to write other things. Maybe Christian doctrine really isn’t her strong area.
Actually, one of the things I find concerning is that Wendy Watson Nelson’s not just “the wife of a general authority.” She has a PhD in family therapy and worked as a professor of marriage and family therapy for 25 years, and she still thought this book’s message to children was a good one. So both from a professional *and* a religious standpoint she’s out of line.
I have left my review on Amazon. Thanks for the suggestion!
I wouldn’t worry about feeling sorry for Sister Nelson. Because of her status in the Church, she will probably never even hear a peep of criticism about her lovely book.
Thanks for leaving your review on Amazon!
The rating has dropped from 4.5 stars to 2.5 stars just this afternoon. Let’s hope that trend continues.
The concept of having a club for children where they receive candy, material rewards, for keeping the commandments, and are deprived of these treats and of associations, shunned, for failing to remain perfectly perfect is evil. This is not LDS doctrine but is twisted. This promotes coercion of vulnerable youngsters and sets them up for heartbreak when they make a mistake, as all children and adults inevitably do.
Wow this book seem to be the epitome of the philosophies of men mingled with scripture.
Minus the scripture.
Amen! It took me a long time and a lot of heartache to realize that God never intended us to save ourselves through perfection.
Once upon a time there was a group of people who wanted to be better than everybody else. They forgot about weightier matters of the law such as love, humility, and Grace and began looking beyond the mark.
They decided to form a club, an elite group of people who were better than the rest, detached and separate. They called themselves the prushim (pharisee) because they were superior to lesser mortals.
In order to meet where nobody else could meet they build a Great and Spacious Tree house, up above the other people where only the select few could meet.
They decided to name the Great and Spacious Tree House, Rameumptom, and whenever they would gather there they would talk about how thankful they were that there was nobody else like them and how thankful they were that they didn’t believe in the Grace of Christ.
What they didn’t understand is that everybody thinks they are better than everybody else, and the only way to be truly unique is to be humble.
Lol, well done sir.
WOW! This book is a toxic shame nightmare!
We need more people to write reviews on Deseret Book. Its down to 2.5 stars on Amazon, but needs some realistic reviews on Deseret Book to give some balanced perspective.
I wrote a review on Deseret books, but it hasn’t posted yet.
Several others have been posted since I wrote my review, so I don’t know if they are just working through the pipeline or if…
I don’t believe Deseret Book will post any more negative comments. Also, one of the positive comments is posted twice, skewing the numbers.
Ooops! Things have changed in the past few hours. The negatives are being posted, and the rating is dropping. Please disregard my comment above 🙂
Yes they just take more time to go through
“The problem with this book is that it is evil.”
I love this line so much.
I know I laughed when I read it! And then cried because it was true.
Huh? It’s noteworthy that a children’s book tries to harness social pressure to get kids to commit to avoid drugs, bullying, etc.? Have you not watched Clifford the Big Red Dog, Barney or any other show? Is the problem that the author is Mormon and not PBS?
As for the article’s theology: 1- Christ said love is the *greatest* commandment, not the only one. The article’s author clearly wants love to be the only commandment but Christ never said that and neither did Paul. 2- Satan didn’t propose coercion, he proposed a world where sin wouldn’t exist at all — like Eden — so he could be Lord without having to Atone.
Commit to not sinning, not even once is the wrong message. After one day, there will be no one in this club – just a bunch of guilty children looking up in the tree house wishing they weren’t human.
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/02/divine-love?lang=eng
You should read her husbands article and things should make a lot more sense.
Elder Nelson is dead wrong here. It is not surprising that he mixes up rewards and love. While our choices may prevent us from accessing our Heavenly Parents’ love as much as we could, that love is always available to us. The only conditional thing is our choices.
If my earthly parents, who are imperfect, love me unconditionally, how much more do my Heavenly Parents, who are perfect. Elder Nelson should give Psalm 139:7-12 a good read.
I agree with Matt E. This is a children’s book. How many of you as kids had clubs that excluded someone? I know I did. No girls, no younger siblings. I’m not saying it okay, I’m just saying it’s a fact of live. This book being such a big deal is just another case of our culture becoming hypersensitive. eg, hand sanitizer EVERYWHERE and this list below taken from another website.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets.
We rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it!
We were fortunate enough to grow up in a time before lawyers and the government regulated our lives for “our own good”
That has nothing to do with it, at all. This book is terrible not because we have become hypersensitive, it is garbage because there is no Jesus. It is garbage because it tells kids that they have to be perfect.
Don’t justify bad behavior by pointing to others bad behavior.
By the artwork it seems like it is geared toward children around the ages of 4 to 5. Who on earth talks to children at that age about pornography? That is just strange.
It’s easy to say “Satan’t plan was [x]” but we don’t really know what it was. I agree that it doesn’t make much sense for a “noble and great one” to propose a system of Gestapo-style coercion, not to mention get support for it. But we don’t know much more than that it destroyed the agency of mankind.
Personally, I think his plan looked much more like Brave New World than 1984. That type of arrangement still appeals to people today.
The point of Christ’s plan was that we would gain experience and knowledge in our exposure to sin and sorrow which would allow us to mature and be more like God. Blind obedience disrupts that maturation.
As a boy scout leader, we called this, “successful failures,” where a scout would learn the hard way how to do something such as cooking his first egg or pancake and wrecking it. Imagine if we demanded that they not do anything unless they could do it perfectly. What a crappy thing to do to a kid.
Good insight!
What a sad world Elder and Sister Nelson seem to live in, in which perfect obedience is the price of love and people can be bribed to act “righteously”. I’m very glad my family doesn’t operate that way.
the fact here is that Sister Nelson is Elder Nelson’s second wife–
I have a feeling the first wife was more ‘real’; she was the mother of his children–
Elder Nelson and his second wife have had no children, both being much older upon marriage–
Elder Nelson’s entire tone was different before his first wife’s death–
I watched this happen in my family as well–
new wife who didn’t raise a family know everything and changes everything–
it’s hard on the children–
I can’t be sure of this–
but in my family a time-tested, refined by life mother who had less education but was smart and capable–
died and left the father to marry a much more educated woman who had had no children–
the ‘new’ wife had all the theories down, but the love was lacking–
but maybe it’s not the same–
I’m glad you brought this book to my attention, because it does the exact opposite of what I think we intend as parents and primary leaders, but I disagree with your claim that:
“mistakes (or in this setting, violations of commitments) are not only inevitable but are necessary for growth. There is some scriptural evidence of a positive correspondence between the magnitude of our mistakes and our potential for growth.”
Here we’re back to the tired-old debate that you have to sin to find enlightenment. I’m not even going to rehash it—it’s been done elsewhere.
Criticizing a book is one thing, but I think it’s a little glib to say “This is the state of the Mormon Church.” How many wards have you observed recently? How do you know how prevalent this kind of teaching is? The time they are a-changing, and the youth leaders I’ve observed are generally fantastic. It’s easy to cling to old grudges over our obsession with modesty, virtue, etc. but acknowledge progress when it is being made.
I hope this is changing, I do. BUT Sis. Nelson just gave a talk in the MTC with this same message. You can read about this talk by this energetic missionary in the field – here is a link.
Dave, you’re right. I was saying that tongue-in-cheek, as evidenced by the “some” in “some evidence”. I don’t actually believe that we can grow only in proportion to the magnitude of our mistakes. Nevertheless, it is very clear to me that (a) all people make mistakes, and (b) making mistakes, observing consequences, and changing our actions going forward are an integral process of growth.
In answer to your question, I have observed several wards recently and saw little evidence of the attitude Sister Nelson is peddling here. I base my statement about “the state of the Mormon church” on the official record: teachings of church leaders, church magazine articles, church publications, etc.
The fact that most church members are sensible enough to choose love over legalism does not mean that undoctrinal and ungodly legalism should not be called out where it is found.
I am actually a great believer in praising even the slightest progress in our church, as seen in my praise of the mormonsandgays.com website. http://gailymormon.com/2012/12/08/web-presents/ But it is quite dangerous to say we should only praise the good and never point out the bad. Maybe some grudges over the church’s obsession with modesty and virtue are “old”, but the obsession still exists and it still hurts people every day.
I left an awful rating on amazon:)
I approve of this message.
me too.
I like this review very much. It’s well-written, informative, and helps the reader make an informed decision about reading the book, or not. The analysis is excellent, the reasoning compelling.
Unfortunately, because it convinced me not to read the book, I’ll be unable to leave a negative review on Amazon. I’m an editor and an academic, and I’m infuriated (in a loving way) by writers and seminar participants who write and talk about books that they haven’t read. I hope that none of those negative reviews popping up on Amazon are based only on Mr. Jones’s review.
Jim if you want screen shots of the book I can email you so that you can leave a review on Amazon and Deseret.
Agreed.
I’ve been thinking about his a little more because I’ve seen some people praise the book for talking about trying to live better lives and for using peer pressure for positive rather than negative ends.
I think that we have to admit that there is a positive element to trying to be better and to recognizing that we can all do better. I’ve also heard a lot about how it is easier to live high standards when you have friends that live these same standards.
These two points are positive, but where I think the book goes seriously astray is that it creates a peer-pressure situation when because “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” and because as Ether 12 says, the weaknesses which we have were given by God what we need in terms of social network is more of a support group and less of a judgemental club.
This seems like a minor difference, but I think it makes all the difference in the world. When you need to comply with certain things in order to belong to a club and you know that you will be excluded the second you display any signs of less than absolute compliance than you begin to hide your real self and live a charade and this charade is precisely what separates mere mortals from the Redeeming Power of the Atonement. It is this charade that increases the psychological, emotional, and even spiritual pain of many LDS.
I’ve seen too many who have to claim to be perfect and feel shocked and uncomfortable around any evidence of their own or others’ humanity and there are some who can’t admit that sometimes they need psychological help to deal with trauma instead of more scriptures and prayer.
I would like to see this book re-written but instead of an exclusive, judgemental club an open and compasionate social support network. A group that instead of meeting in the top of a tree meets supports and lifts all its members everywhere.
This would be a group that everybody can belong to regardless of their past or present, this is a group without cost. It could be set in terms of a world full of sick people, where everybody needs help of some type and the help is free, but the only think one needs to do to get access to this help is admit your imperfections. Once that is done one obtains access to this incredible support group of imperfect but loving people.
Thanks to Reese Dixon for this response, with a story that really rings true to me: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2013/09/the-story-we-tell-at-our-house/
The Jesus that I love is my savior and redeemer. I gave up trying to be perfect a long time ago and refuse to buy into the crap that Sister Nelson apparently wrote about. And yes, this is being taught in the church. A few months ago I taught a lesson in RS about becoming perfect. There was NO mention of the atonement. It was all about being obedient in all things and trying harder and harder. Can’t do it. My relationship with Christ is what matters to me.
You must be right because your review is so “loving.” What a tremendous example of charity.
I dunno. With this whole agency thing, I think there’s a personal prerogative to be informed and act for ourselves. Doing this just because you tell us to without reading the book ourselves sounds like being acted upon 😉
One of the theological problems I see with Sister Nelson’s book is it puts these kids right back in the Garden of Eden, a place from which Eve and Adam shook the pillars of heaven to escape.
If Mormonism teaches the Fall from the Garden was essential to experience and salvation, why should Mormons applaud a book that completely undermines this critical doctrine?
Mormonism seems to have turned in upon itself and now the serpent is eating its own tail.
Just sent my email. I hope the emails and reviews make a difference!
Thank you!!
Please consider signing this petition for Deseret Book to remove The Not Even Once Club from its shelves. If you would like to read the book for yourself first, I have images of each of the pages with text. (Please contact me at edwardjones76 at gmail.)
https://www.change.org/petitions/deseret-book-please-remove-the-not-even-once-club-from-your-shelves-and-inventory-2
Please consider signing this petition for Deseret Book to remove The Not Even Once Club from its shelves. If you would like to read the book for yourself first, I have images of each of the pages with text. (Please contact me at edwardjones76 at gmail)
https://www.change.org/petitions/deseret-book-please-remove-the-not-even-once-club-from-your-shelves-and-inventory-2
“This is wonderful theology but an administrative nightmare, because love is difficult to measure. A system that finds it necessary to assess the spiritual worthiness of individuals will almost inevitably fall back on works because they are concrete and measurable.”
Here’s a solution: STOP MEASURING PEOPLE. It isn’t necessary for a church to assess the spiritual worthiness of individuals. Do your apostles think God is incapable of taking His own measurements? Is this a church of so little faith?
Boy I hope this book gets pulled from the shelves, otherwise our children will be defenseless in its presence! What we need are good and balanced books. Otherwise, teaching children about the true gospel principles of sin, repentance, mercy, and justice might be left up to… *GASP*… PARENTS!!!!
Brett, I hear that helping our children choose appropriate media is extremely important. And this kind of book is especially dicey, because its clothes with good intentions and has a DesBook stamp of approval.
I created a Spoof Cover for this book
I’ve spent quite a bit of time arguing with Evangelical Christians about the Mormon view of Atonement. While acknowledging our legalistic tendencies as a community, I’ve tried to spell out the unique view of God’s grace found in Mormonism – in the words of leaders and in the scriptures. I’ve attempted to convince them that the view of Mormons as a legalistic/works based faith tradition is an overstating caricature. Then I see this book and think that I’m probably the one overstating. Sure, this is not an official statement of doctrine (no one is saying it is). But it did pass various levels of editing and review (one of those I presume from the author’s husband)and it does currently sit on the shelves at the Church owned book store. And it doesn’t really cut against the way we teach our children and youth already. Some bishops still use “Miracle of Forgiveness” as a main point of reference for those in serious sin after all. Its not uncommon at all to hear our good action resulting in God being “pleased” and our sin resulting in God’s “disappointment”.
There is something fundamentally wrong here and I won’t defend it anymore. how is it that the “true” Church of Jesus can be so wrong when it comes the just the base fundamentals of the Gospel?
My first review on Deseret Books was never posted. The second review I wrote was posted and lasted a few days and is no longer visible…
My second review was full of scriptures and doctrinal arguments about the importance of a good network where people feel comfortable repenting instead of peer pressure to be dishonest and give the false appearance of perfection.
Looks like the Ministry of Truth got to it.
Corporation wants to sell books – they have that bottom line!
I also found a review written by “A customer” which is clearly critical of the book. A couple of days ago I read this same review with only 1 star attached to it. Now, without changing the negative text of the review it has 5 stars attached to it.
If you want to look at this review it is the 26th review on Deseret Books and it is entitled “This is really harmful”.
Weird, I wonder what happened
i would not want sis. nelson to be my therapist. all the education in the world does not mean much if one does not have real life experience and vice versa. that is why God chose uneducated Joseph Smith to restore the lost gospel truths. i believe the church has moved away from what Jos. Smith restored.
i understand the books concept but it was poorly executed. even LDS parents are not teaching their children gospel truths. schools can not do it all and neither can the church. my 12 yr old daughter was assaulted by three 16 yr old boys who were in our ward. what a nightmare dealing with leaders. i regret not calling the law authorities. the church is dropping the ball teaching about Christ. and so are lds parents. society is getting worse and a lot of lds are going along with society and a lot are pharisees.
sad and. if any one dares to speak out they are excommunicated
I wish Deseret Books would consider pulling the book. I recently found out on an Internet site that Wendy Watson Nelson is very good friends with the lady who runs Deseret Books. In fact they bought a house together over twenty years ago. So, sadly people’s concerns will be ignored. Wendy Watson is now married to a high up leader and she had friends in high places before she married high up. This is why I believe the little people (regular members with no connections and/or wealth) mean nothing to the”Brethern”.
This book was just read in our ward’s Primary during Sharing Time. I am just waiting for the NEO pledges to show-up amongst the neighborhood children, further inciting problems between the Mormons and Non-Mormons. It’s very sad.