by Patty Williams
When I was growing up, we seldom went to church. On the rare occasion that we did go, I would sit and watch my dad twiddle his thumbs. Dad came from an LDS family, but had long ago decided that he didn’t have time for all “the meetin’s”. When asked if he would come and help with the ground breaking for the new chapel, Dad offered to bring his garden tractor. With the tractor, he reasoned, they could be done in nothing flat. “Oh No Brother Wells”, he was told. “We don’t want to use tractors. This is to be a time of fellowship”. Well, in that case, he didn’t have time for “such nonsense”.
My mother, at the time, was not a member. Mom was always a very prayerful person with an abundance of faith. We learned of Heavenly Father and Jesus, and would often pray together as a family. When the time came for my older brothers to go to college, BYU was the only one my parents would consider sending them to. I was about 13 at the time. The next summer, my brother asked Mom to join the Church. She didn’t want to. This was what she wanted for her children, it just wasn’t for her. Well, “if it’s not good enough for you, it’s not good enough for me—I just won’t go any more either”. In protest, and to prevent my brother from becoming inactive, Mom was baptized, along with me and my younger brother. Did we start going to church? We did for a little while, though I must say we never felt comfortable.
When I graduated and wanted to go to college, BYU was the only choice. Of course I became active, and loved it. I met my sweetheart and we started talking about marriage. My fiancé had been raised in the church, and had always thought that when the time came, he would get married in the temple. My parents hadn’t been married in the temple. I said to him one day “I know that a loving Heavenly Father would not keep my parents apart just because they weren’t sealed in the temple.” He replied “well, that’s the contract they agreed to”. Put that way, it made total sense to me. I didn’t want a marriage that had an expiration date. I wanted an eternal marriage. When the time came, however, I had a very difficult decision to make. If we were married in the temple, my parents couldn’t be there! How could I do this to my Mom! I decided I couldn’t! My sweetheart understood. I can’t say the same for his parents or the bishop that married us. We were married in the chapel. Thinking back, I would not have done it differently. When we did go to the temple, we’d been married a little over a year. I knew this person so much better than I had on our wedding day. My feelings for him had greatly multiplied, making our temple sealing much more meaningful than it would
have been. The next time I saw my Mom, I showed her both marriage certificates and said “now we’ll be together forever”. Mom was sealed to Dad after he had passed away. She recently turned 95, and often comments on how wonderful it will be when they are reunited.
Mom: I don’t think I’ve ever heard these details before — so glad that you shared. I love the pictures. BTW, I now know where my impatience for occasional inefficient church planning meetings comes from — genes from Grandpa Wells!
Patricia, thanks so much for sharing your story. I have a couple of questions to ask. Ultimately, did it make a difference to your marriage that you married civilly first?
Did you worry that you would not be together forever if one of you would have died during that one year wait? Did you believe that the temple ordinance could be performed by proxy in that event? Were you aware of SW Kimball’s teachings that the Young Women of the church were taught up until the 2013 manual replaced the old one? The teaching that temple work was ONLY for those who did NOT have the opportunity to be obedient in this life? Would that have made a difference to your choice?
I love your story and wish that others would make the same choice to include their family members. The above questions relate to the decision young women and men make today in my opinion. They believe they are breaking one of God’s laws.
It didn’t make a difference in our marriage, because we had decided before hand that we would wait the required time and then be sealed. As far as worrying about one of us dying, the thought never entered my mind.
Thanks Patty. If you had been taught in YW that you would not be able to be sealed to one another – ever- if one of you should die before the sealing, would you have made the same choice?
For many years, YW have been taught that principle from the words of SW Kimball in the lesson manual for YW.
I love this story and love that Troy got to read it. I don’t know either of you, but beauty like this needs to be shared. I wish the rules would change and American LDS faithful could marry civilly first, then have that marriage “sealed” in the temple. It is already done is so many places in the world, and we are a global church.
Mom,
Thanks for sharing this story. I remember hearing this as a young girl and being proud that you made the difficult choice to do what you felt was right for the family and include them in this important life event. I also remember hearing about how the Bishop of the ward treated you (like a second-class citizen, in my opinion) and being both sad and angry about it. People shouldn’t be forced to make this decision – church or family – especially in a church that professes to be so pro-family. I know the decision you made came out of love and I thank you for setting this example of love for me.
Such a good example of love and bravery
you did as “Jesus” would do. The most important thing in life is how you treat other people. You bypassed the rule to extend love and inclusion for a significant life event. The Sanhedrin would have you follow their rules despite the harm it does to others and to you. It takes an exceptionally courageous person to rescue the ox from the mire on the sabbath.
Good well loved parents long to be invited to share the special day. Who are good parents? According to James E. Faust they are:
“Who are good parents? They are those who have lovingly, prayerfully, and earnestly tried to teach their children by example and precept “to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.”4 This is true even though some of their children are disobedient or worldly. Children come into this world with their own distinct spirits and personality traits. Some children “would challenge any set of parents under any set of circumstances. … Perhaps there are others who would bless the lives of, and be a joy to, almost any father or mother.”5 Successful parents are those who have sacrificed and struggled to do the best they can in their own family circumstances.”
Good parents are good parents no matter what
After I wrote my essay “Go Ahead and Skip That Temple Wedding,” advocating Joseph Smith’s counsel that all weddings should held in a public place, I received a lot of responses from readers who had been married civilly first. In almost every case, they expressed no regrets for having a public wedding. If they had it all to to over again, they would unhesitatingly take the civil marriage first.
On the other hand, I heard from many, many couples who regretted having their initial wedding take place in the temple. Had they the chance to do it over, they would have chosen a public wedding where their loved ones could have been present, and they would have better appreciated the sealing ordinance had they given the marriage time to marinate prior to the sealing taking place.
This idea that the sealing should be conflated with the wedding day is simply not doctrinal. It is a cultural tradition, and following traditions rather than doctrine often leads to heartache and regret.
http://puremormonism.blogspot.com/2011/02/go-ahead-and-skip-that-temple-wedding.html
This is a wonderful story. Beautifully written. It makes me want to know you. Common sense and compassion are among what I feel are the most significant Christ-like characteristics. You seem to posess an abundance of both. God bless you and your family. Thanks for sharing.