Before we get to the letter:
And it came to pass that the internet was born, and over time, blogs sprung forth.
Without these blogs, one could feel very alone in their Mormon struggle and desire for acceptance.
I suppose the “fish out of water” analogy would apply here. Blogs like Rational Faiths provide a fishbowl for the despondent fish in which he or she can safely and intimately express their struggles to like-minded individuals, or at minimum, open-minded individuals. And it beats the toilet bowl no doubt.
However, the blog platform cannot stand as a complete substitute for real person interaction, especially as it relates to a “crisis of faith”, Mormon or otherwise.
My life in Mormondom is not terribly unique. I grew up in the church and have served diligently in numerous leadership positions from the time I was a newly ordained deacon and up to the relative present day. During my church career and studies, I’ve taken note of difficult and sometimes troubling historical accounts centering on the origins of our wondrous church. The passage of church service and time has not served up any real sustaining resolution. Consequently, I’ve turned to numerous books, some faith promoting historical anecdotes published by Deseret Book and some less than faith promoting literature not published by Deseret Book, but still vetted and reputable. While the purpose of this blog post is not intended to be about me and my cathartic needs, I should like to indulge as I believe there are a growing number of ME’s out there.
Yes, I suppose I am experiencing my own unique faith transition, if that is to be defined as one who questions the exactitude of some LDS historical accounts, as taught me from childhood and perpetuated in thousands of Sunday School classes. With the introduction of new factoids comes the added difficulty in finding the happy place between Rationalism and Dogmatism. Speaking of these concerns freely and openly may cause too much pain and anguish among certain family and friends as well as some irrational judgments about me. My desire for catharsis does not outweigh my desire to broach my doubts with them. Virtually “outing” myself online has been a boon, but not nearly as helpful as speaking to prayerfully selected friends and confidants, as I have done. (And will continue to do.)
The selection process is quite delicate as I would also feel a tremendous amount of guilt if I unwittingly persuaded a close friend to follow me down the rabbit hole resulting in lost testimony. Conversely, I fear talking to the wrong people who may have desires to “sift me as wheat” in an attempt to grow the numbers of LDS dissenters.
Now, the Letter:
Dear Believer,
I wish to discuss a very heavy matter with you regarding my faith. For years, I have been unable to find adequate answers to vital gospel related questions. It seems the more I search for answers, the more questions arise. Now doubts have crept in and I need someone to confide in and even lean on.
I have deliberated over the course of many months discussing these issues with you as it is not easy. However, I trust you to listen without judgment. Please resist the urge to preach to me, condemn me, call me to repentance, treat my words lightly, or dare I say testify of the truthfulness of the gospel in the initial discussion as it would feel almost condescending. At this point I’ve literally listened to thousands of testimonies in my lifetime and I value many of them but this is not the time. Remember, I am not overly worried about my salvation so much as I just want some clarity on (insert doubt here). I understand I am asking you to walk a tight rope here which isn’t fair of me.
For whatever reason, I feel a sense of guilt. I can’t help but contemplate questions like, “‘Why are so many members not bothered with these issues like I?” or “I do appreciate the necessity of faith but am I not worthy of an extra portion?” Please help lift this guilt by responding with unconditional love during the crisis, not with concern for my eternal welfare.
Do you have doubts? Current or resolved? Do we share any? How have you dealt with and made peace with them? I would love to hear that you are okay with my questioning mind and as such, will aid in my search for answers and peace. I would also love to hear you affirm that our relationship will only change for the better in light of this new and possibly troubling information, regardless of the outcome.
Please know how hurt I would be if I found my admission of doubts were shared with others, even if you later confessed you felt sharing them with the Bishop or my parents or spouse was in my best interest.
Lastly, please understand the crisis is not averted after one discussion or within days. Be patient as it may take months, years, or may never be remedied to my level of satisfaction. While it doesn’t seem equitable, please don’t beleaguer me for weekly updates, I will share when ready. Just know that your quiet and discreet support is an immense help and I love you for it.
Doubter
Russell Crosby
Russell currently resides in the red hills of Southern Utah with his wife and four daughters. He is the CEO of a Nevada based superfood company. He served a full time mission in Texas and has enjoyed various church leadership positions including YM President, High Priest Group Leader, and Bishopric counselor. He is now serving the primary children.
All posts by Russell Crosby
I hear you, Brother.
Great way to lay out a healthy way for others to deal with you. Its hard to pull off. Good luck, I’m walking the trail with you.
I love love this. Thank you. 🙂
Perfect Russ. Perfect
…the fish never knows it has been surrounded by water until it gets out of the bowl and takes a look. The view from the outside can be very painful at times.
What a fantastic Idea! We need a lot of practical tools like this to help us find our words and dig through the impact that transitions can have on loved ones. I do feel your respect coming through the letter, and a good explanation of your boundaries. Believing Mormons may need a set of response letters too! I love it – thanks for sharing this!
We are at a similar place my friend! I feel ya! Thanks for reaching out!
Perfect-thank you!
So well written….I could read this over and over
Nice to know I’m not the only one going through this here in Dixie. Would be happy if I chanced to bump into you around town.
Feeling very humbled as I read the comments…thanks all. I do hope that this message transcends me and aids doubters and believers alike.
Well done Russell. Thank you for taking time to write and share this. What a gift.
Ten years or so. . . That’s about how long it took me. I’m still here (active in the LDS church) and loving Jesus and all the good I found in the early years of my Mormonism. Still being transformed internally with new and interesting questions. The early pain and turmoil is almost non-existant for me now. What is left is an open heart and willingness to know anything that is true. I’m a believer. I’ve paid a price for this, and it’s been worth it.
God bless you, where ever you are in your process. And where ever you end up.
With love,
Melody
existent. oops. love ya. bye now.
I thought you should know I’ve come back to read this about 10 times.
Thank you.
I empathize totally with this post and your feelings. I was raised in the church, married in the temple and have four wonderful kids. 7 yrs ago my husband began having doubts about the existence of God and after 2 years of trying to get past them was unable to do so. He completely supported me in my desire to remain active and continue to raise the kids. (one@ BYUI, one@MTC, one@HS and one@JH). I continued to attend, try to sort through my feelings and hold down the fort but found myself struggling to feel like I fit in. I was no longer living in the traditional LDS family. In the past we were in ward correlation meetings (with our callings) discussing those that were struggling and now I knew we were the topic in ward correlation. My perspectives began to change and I noticed the us (church) vs. them (world) attitude more. I struggled with the belief that as LDS members we had the absolute truth and that the spiritual experiences felt by others outside our faith were not as valid as ours if they contradicted our theology/doctrine/practices/culture. I didn’t agree with the generalizations about those that left the church that they were either sinning, spiritual lazy, not committed enough, etc….. All of our close LDS friends pulled back as they didn’t know how to navigate the change in my husband’s beliefs (even though he never spoke about it with them) and we were left isolated and alone. We moved to a new location and tried a fresh start to see if that would help since the new ward would never have known my husband as the “former” active YM Pres. Even though I would just be attending with my youngest I had hoped we could fit in. I discovered those viewpoints were pretty common wherever you go in the church as they are tied to our doctrine. People were nice to us but we never got invited to social things and our situation was viewed as a tragedy. I finally reached the point a year ago when my temple recommend expired and I felt I had to back to the beginning and determine if I could still honestly answer the interview questions “yes”. I began the most intense church studying I had ever done. I decided not to let fear hold me back in exploring, questioning and researching. It’s been fascinating, disheartening, discouraging, incredible and disillusioning. It’s left me with a myriad of emotions. I will always admire the church for the community it can provide (to those that fit the traditional mold), the service it gives, the framework that it provides to help people make healthy life choices; however, I no longer believe the basic claims of the church. Since my situation doesn’t provide the opportunity any longer to feel the sense of community it boils down to the doctrine and so I embark on the painful, difficult, heart-wrenching journey of one leaving the faith they grew up with. How to be honest with those I love? How to share my experiences so that they can understand me at the same time being very mindful of what I say so not to damage their testimonies. I have no desire to draw others away from the church if it brings them happiness and yet when you leave you are in effect silenced from the ability to explain or share what’s brought you to this point, your perceptions or how you view life. It’s a silencing because you are no longer trusted, valued or respected in the same way…. even by those you love most.
That was very powerful. Thank you for sharing it!