Sometimes I think back on my BYU days, especially the beginning ones and the 18 year old that I was. I felt like I was on fire with the Spirit. I felt alive with the gospel. I remember sitting in church, sitting in my religion classes, and just feeling the truth of it all. I remember heading to SLC to attend conference in Tabernacle (in the days before the conference center) and being so in awe that I was sharing breathing air with all those General Authorities, and feeling like I was in the presence of greatness. I remember going home for my first Christmas Break and sharing with my mother all of the thoughts and feelings and revelations (with a lower case r) that I’d had about my testimony and my faith. I felt like there was so much that I knew. I was the ultimate “I know” testimony bearer.
And I thought that was the beginning of the journey and that with more study and more prayer and more faith I would know even more. I felt like I was beginning to climb a mountain, and I felt sure that when I reached the top of that mountain I’d have the faith to move it. And so I began to study. I studied the gospel. I studied the scriptures. I read books about gospel principles, doctrines, church history… And then I started to realize that I hadn’t been at the bottom of the mountain of faith, I’d been at the top. And all of the sudden I was sliding down the other side. Because the more I read and studied about the gospel and the church, the more I realized that the two are separate. And that the church does not always fall in line with the gospel. When I studied this history about blacks and the priesthood, the underbelly of polygamy/polyandry, when I started to realize the history of women in the church and compared that to what I saw around me currently… I started to feel lost and confused. And I’m not sure I was capable of distinguishing my testimony of the church and its leaders from my testimony of the gospel. Mostly I just kept putting things on shelves in the back of my mind until I could learn to sort it out.
My crisis of faith didn’t fully culminate until more than a decade after I began my journey as that fiery and passionate 18 year old at BYU. It was after the birth of my first child (at age 30), when I started to really face what I wanted him to believe and the man I wanted him to grown into. I had been trying to navigate these murky waters for myself for the past decade, and when it became my responsibility to help someone else navigate them… it was too much. And my faith completely crumbled. I started to question every single aspect of everything I’d ever believed. I have, since then, rebuilt my faith. But it doesn’t look like it used to. The truth of the matter is that I still believe in the LDS gospel as I understand it. It is the Church and Church’s application of that gospel that I struggle with. So much so, that I often wonder if the LDS Church is the right place for me. But where can I go to get more of the gospel that I do have a testimony in? Hence, this is the main reason I’m still active in a church that frustrates me on a daily basis. When it comes down to it, I find a lot of truth and beauty in the gospel. I may not have a testimony of the Church, its culture, or the glory of its history, but I do have a strong testimony of the gospel as I understand it. That fiery testimony I had as an 18 year old? It turns out I still have it. It just has more focus. And I haven’t found another doctrine that suits me as well as this one suits me.
Of course, it has occurred to me that I could just as easily study the gospel on my own terms. I have the scriptures and I have prayer, and I have faith in personal revelation. I am armed with the knowledge that I can maintain a relationship with my Savior outside of the Church’s institution. I’ve considered just going at in on my own. But, then I think about people in the past who have struggled with church culture and history. If everyone who ever felt disgruntled about racism in the church had just left, would Official Declaration 2 ever have happened? If everyone who struggled with gender inequality in the church just left, would we have finally (finally!) had a woman pray in general conference earlier this year? Heck, if women in the early church hadn’t independently decided that they could get more done working together than separately, would we even have a Relief Society today?
There are a lot of things I want to change about the institution of the church, but I want to make it clear that I’m not arrogant enough to believe I’m right about everything, or that my ideas are obviously what is best for everyone. But the history of the church clearly shows that a little bit of dissent can be a healthy thing, and that makes me think I should stick around. Because maybe it doesn’t hurt to have someone in the room saying the Handbook of Instructions 1 shouldn’t be a big secret, because that violates the idea that we do all things by common consent (see D&C 26:2, among others). And maybe pointing out that not having female ward clerks because you’re afraid that a man and a woman alone in a room together will obviously start lusting after each other, over-sexualizes both the man and the woman—and is generally unfair because you could just as easily make it an all-female calling as you could all male. Maybe having someone point out that the leaders of the church are just human, and there is no such thing as “deep doctrine” that they supposedly have access to… and that we all have access to the same doctrine and are all using imperfect filters, and so church leaders can make mistakes… maybe making others stop and think about these issues isn’t so bad, even if it turns out I’ve got it all wrong.
And so, I stay.
Leah Marie
Leah Marie earned a BA in Political Science, and a Masters in Public Administration. She is currently working towards her PhD in Public Policy. She is wife to an English professor, and mother to 3 beautiful boys.
All posts by Leah Marie
The real reason there aren’t women in the clerk’s office is because the church doesn’t want the women to know what goes on. It’s the men’s job to cover the actions of the men.
I’m not sure if I share your cynicism about the intent here, but I think it brings up an important discussion. Half of the church’s population is entirely left out of the decision making. That is not right, and definitely needs to be fixed.
As someone who’s spent plenty of time in the clerks office, let me say that I think you have a very imaginative idea of what is in reality an extremely boring role.
Thank you for putting into words so much of what I feel.
“But the history of the church clearly shows that a little bit of dissent can be a healthy thing, and that makes me think I should stick around.”
If you can do that I support and respect you…. it’s a tough road to walk and I love your honesty and willingness.
“When it comes down to it, I find a lot of truth and beauty in the gospel. I may not have a testimony of the Church, its culture, or the glory of its history, but I do have a strong testimony of the gospel as I understand it.”
What is it about the gospel that you love and do you feel that’s unique to Mormonism?
Alison – I won’t claim that there is anything that is completely unique to Mormonism. I have yet to research a gospel principle that was not shared by some other belief system. Perhaps it is our combination of beliefs that make us unique? Of course, that could be said about every religion.
I think the thing that I love the most about the gospel is that it teaches that I have a unique, close relationship with my Heavenly Parents and my Savior. I have a testimony that They know me intimately, love me, and walk through life with me. And also that They want me to have all that They have for all eternity. When I hear more things like that across the pulpit, I do feel like I am in the right place. I just also know we need to work to make it a better place.
the gospel is unique with all.its diversity of brliefs and experiences.of all of Gods believers in the body of christ of all churches i love the personal intimate relationship that i have with jesus christ and the warm.feeling of the holy spirit that i feel in my spirit.i fellowship with anyone regardless of age relugion cteed after all the savouir says for us to love one another agape love is what the phillidelphia church had in the seven churches of asia in the book of revelation may we all enjoy the all inclusive chist what i like about mormonism.is the unique doctrine that there is truth in all things seculat and sacred which includes all churches in christianity and all relogions it is iniwue of mormonisms doctrine that we are all the offspring of God and the father of our spirits
i can eapecially relate to moses 1:35 about other worlds inhabited with sons and daughters of God doc and cov 76:24 this goes co inside with swedenborgs book yhe earths in the universe
I think this article from meridian magazine relates in part to this post.
http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/13057
I find myself feeling this way, often. A number of times I have wondered if I might be better off somewhere else. I have had a year of being house bound, and I have wondered if this would be a time to just slowly drift away. Instead I have found an increase in my faith, an increase in personal spiritual experiences. I have found an even deeper relationship with Heavenly Mother.
Funny you should share this, because I have also been housebound for most of this year! (pregnancy, bed rest) I’ve also found that my beliefs have been solidified over this time period. It’s almost as though a separation from the culture of the Church has helped to remind me that I do love the gospel.
If she was so dedicated to learning about the church she would have realized that it is not a democracy. You don’t get to just change the things you don’t agree with so it will better suit your lifestyle. The church has changed a few of its practices over the years, but it was not because the opinions of the world changed their mind. It is because God gave specific revelations concerning what the people were ready for at that time. Moreover, if she were truly a dedicated scholar of the gospel, she would know that Jesus the son of God organized the church the way he did because that was the right way. And I think God knows better how to sucker his people than some bitter feminist who claims she isn’t against the gospel. What she doesn’t realize is that being against the beliefs of the church, even just some of the beliefs, DOES make you against the gospel. This is GOD’S church and being against it is the same thing as being against Him.
Woah there, Kelly. I see no bitterness in this post, only honesty. I’m more concerned for you and your need to come out so vehemently against an simple and straight-forward post. An honest post from a sincere seeker cannot threaten a church that is founded by God, so I wouldn’t worry too much. If you’re defensive about something though, maybe you should examine why you feel so threatened on behalf of the church.
Hi Kelly, this probably isn’t the best blog for someone like you to be hanging out on. I’m not critical of the way you believe and wish you all the best but coming here spitting venom is not going to endear to you the crowd here.
Kelly, while I can see where you’re coming from (though stating it in a more forgiving manner would have been preferable), the scriptures are rife with examples of how members of the Church were acting in a manner or teaching ideas that God did not necessarily approve of, and never found out that God wanted them to do otherwise until they prayed and asked about it. If some members are hoping that certain non-doctrinal procedures be altered so as to be more inclusive or operate better, there’s nothing wrong with so wishing, at least until specific revelation is given to the contrary.
i dont think a church should be without some democracy after all all of us have free agency to use and excercise our minds
i dont feel feminists are being bitter at all ots just that they dont agree with everything that the church says or teaches ive been a convert of the lds church since 1985 and i dont feel that if you are against some beliefs or disagree with the beliefs,of the church that it makes you against christ and his gospel i have a strong testimony of jesus christ and the holy ghost and the sctiptures and i have a personal relationship with jesus as my personal savouir and i have always been. a free thinker and questioned in fact God wants us to all have free agency we are all suppose tp question not be robots i think the matriarcj of the church as far as men are concerned should allow women to preach. i.know women in relief society and general conferance and firesides and at byu get to talk and teach and preach so why not allow the women to teach and preach in sunday school gospel doctrine class or in the podium of the church sanctuary.i come from.a rvangelical protestant background where there are a,lot of good women ministries like marilyn hickees and joyce meyers these woman are Inspired daughters of God
Beautiful and honest. I like you.
I hope I find the same strength to stay and help.
Great post, Leah. Only Heavenly Father can judge whether his leaders make the right decisions in leading the church or not. Great post.