$&%^#. I think the church might be true.That impression came to me last week as I was riding my motorcycle to work. It was not a welcome impression. But it was undeniably an impression. It didn’t so much just enter my thoughts as invade them, much like lighting a propane burner, where a tiny spark results in flame filling the space with a “Whoosh!”. The more I pondered this the more the pieces seemed to line up.
“$&%^#”
That this might be inconvenient would be an understatement. I’ve been disaffected and on the fringes of the church for about eight years. I have no idea how my wife might react to this, as we‘re in general agreement about our “issues” with the church. I’m not the person I was eight years ago. I can’t “un-know” what I know about church history, evolving theology, past statements by influential leaders on race and the value of women, the extent and nature of Joseph Smith’s polygamy, and a whole host of other issues. I don’t keep the official version of the Word of Wisdom. I have long hair. I have visible tattoos. I ride a motorcycle. I vote Democratic.
The list kept scrolling in my mind.
I just started yelling. “$&%^#”. “$&%^#”. Drivers must have thought I was either insane or having an amazingly colorful road rage experience.
It didn’t get better when I got to work. It was like the movie “Groundhog Day” where the impression kept coming back, like watching a tunnel leaking natural gas that suddenly ignites. “Whoosh!”. “$&%^#”. Except I caught myself before I said something I would have to pretend to have Tourette Syndrome over. I could barely focus on work.
How did I get to this?
It would be a nice Ensign story if it just happened out of the blue as an unexpected witness of the Spirit, after eight years of debauchery. Reality, however, is more complex than can be shared in a short Ensign story, or even a blog post.
There’s no way I can adequately summarize the last eight years, but I was a fairly typical Latter-day Saint male with a ward and a stake calling. I had had an unexpectedly positive experience while visiting another church for a wedding and wanted to remind myself what the specific wording of the temple recommend questions were. I don’t even remember what question I had now. I went looking for the recommend questions on the internet, and I found them and much much more. I was pretty solidly converted as a Christian, but much of what I found about the LDS church itself completely shook my foundations of trust. Although remaining somewhat connected, my wife and I both slid pretty much completely off the radar screen, maybe attending sacrament meeting three or four times per year. We went through several other churches, even joining two, and then having the rug jerked from underneath us when the congregations we were attending were shut down with little warning.
I had spent eight years of gospel study and investigation, trying to figure this out, and I had basically come to the end of the road on evangelical Christianity over the last couple of weeks, and in fact had discovered something that startled me that very morning.
Really, after years of accumulating “fuel”, the spark that ignited the whole thing was probably the unconditional love of a grandchild.
As I left on my motorcycle that morning, my two granddaughters, 6 and 2, where standing at the curb waving and shouting “I love you Grandpa!!”. My daughter and son-in-law are totally faithful and active Latter-day Saints, and I started to ponder just what kind of system could produce such gentle, simple, self-assured little girls. What kind of system could cut through the layers of crud that scholars and theologians had encased Biblical truth in, and could actually connect God and man to allow the unimpeded transmission of gospel truth?
“$&%^#. I think the church might be true.”
Bob Dixon
Bob graduated from the U. S. Naval Academy and spent twelve years in the Marine Corps. Bob joined the LDS church as an adult convert and spent twenty years as a fully active and participating member. Due to a wave of historical and doctrinal concerns Bob spent about eight years on hiatus from full participation in the LDS church, although they still attended and kept in touch. As a result of the experiences shared in the blog Bob has a more nuanced perspective on some of these issues and am transitioning back towards a fuller involvement again. I work as a computer programmer in the Raleigh NC area.
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Love Bob and his journey!
Thank you–
Cool.
Bob, thanks for sharing. The very specific nuances of your story are so refreshing. I too have found the world of Mormonism to be strangely disturbing and breathtaking at the very same time. As time moves on, I’m starting to realize that this is not an isolated experience.
I think as we mature in the gospel we have to get beyond “the church is true” and “the church is false”. “The church is”. It’s composed of people working out their own salvation, or not, for good and at times not so good, and like much of life happiness is found in what you choose to focus on, either the constructive or the destructive. Seeing the imperfections at times just makes the good things that much more uncommon and amazing.
I had a friend put it this way: there are people (in the Mormon Church) who are going to walk like you, talk like you, dress like you, and they’re no good. We’re going to read things imperfect people did and said. We’re going to experience things imperfect people did and said. But at the end of the day the Gospel is true, people are not. That’s why I find a lot of the ‘hero-worship’ of prophets (modern-day or not) concerning. Yes, often they are good men who did a lot of good in their day, but in the end they’re still imperfect.
To me it seems like this is the point you’re making. Rely on the truths that come from the Gospel, try not to be discouraged by the weaknesses of imperfect people. Thanks for the post!
I’ve never understood the argument of well-raised children as proof of the divinity of the church. There are other systems that produce worthy youths.
Where this post came from was not so much the separate pieces, but the package. You’re right that other systems produce ethical adults and people, but I wasn’t really talking about ethics and obedient children. I was talking more about vulnerable, simple, innocent love. These children have been brought up in a nurturing and loving environment. They love and are loved, and in this case it’s because their parents are living out the focus on family that they’ve learned in church. But really that’s a cultural truth that’s not sufficient for a church. Churches have to bring people to Christ, which was the other part of my epiphany. In that brief moment I was blown away by the entire package, both theological and cultural. Not to say the cultural church is always positive or perfect, but that day it was a great package.
Heartwarming post, though people might and often do give up on God, he will never give up on us. In a way it’s wonderful to know that the church is made up of imperfect people who God chooses to use to bring about his purposes, it gives hope to all of us.
My sister “sat on the sidelines” for 20 years and never put her foot in the church. Then one day, it’s like she woke up and came back. She loves the gospel, the church , the people and has huge regrets she didn’t raise her kids in the church. Now my nephew and niece are hard, tattooed, swearing individuals with no spiritual core. Compare them to my kids who are serving missions and marrying in the temple (I have 8 kids)- it’s a drastic difference. So in response to Blake, it does make a difference which religion and how kids are raised.
Wow. That is an incredibly oversimplified conclusion. I’d recommend you read “Unconditional Parenting” and think long and hard about whether “good behavior” is necessarily the result of better parenting.
Man, I’d love to read this story expanded into an entire book. Thanks for this Bob.
I could write one, but I would be the only one who would read it, I think. Even I am not sure how the story ends, although at present I have a great bishop who seems to see me as a person of value. Based on this experience I’m leaning back into church a lot more. Much of the anger and frustration I felt before, I just can’t muster up any more. Really the Hans Mattson story should have me fired up with “yeah, I told you this was a con”, but I really resonate more with what Marlin K Jensen said in the “Swedish Rescue” fireside. We really have some elements of choice in whether we will focus on the negative elements of the church (and there are many) or the positive ones, and we have to consider the entire package and not just focus on “the issues”. Really that’s an individual choice, because our local faith communities are a large part of that equation. I have a good one, so at present I am leaning into that.
Looks like I’m starting that book. 🙂 Thanks for listening.
Bob: So inspiring! thank you for sharing, I love it. That’s as beautiful of a testimony as I’ve ever heard. And so familiar. I love being invited to others experiences. If I ever get the courage to write mine down, you’ll be invited;)
Please, just whatever you do. Don’t stop voting democratic. The church needs more liberals in it. T_T
Let’ try this again…thank you for sharing the completely unexpected and very personal epiphany that is yours. It was probably the last thing you were expecting that morning as you rode off to work. It is helpful to live within the church family where you reside; not so where I am. Your choosing to focus on the good parts of an often mixed-up religion is a much-needed reminder for me.
“We really have some elements of choice in whether we will focus on the negative elements of the church (and there are many) or the positive ones, and we have to consider the entire package and not just focus on “the issues”.” Amen to that.
And some of my most spiritual experiences have been punctuated with “What the hell!?” “Seriously!?” “You’re KIDDING me!” and so forth. More than once I have cursed in frustration with what is undeniably and inconveniently true. I love that God speaks everyone’s language. This post spoke to me. Thanks for sharing.
As a mormon with 8 motorcycles and sometimes politically left leaning, I just want to say not to worry about the stereo types. The best mormons (or any christian for that matter) are the ones who look past the surface and care about what really matters.
I really like this, Bob. Thanks for posting it.