Mormon Green Jello Salad

The following is a selection of “They’re so Mormon” jokes, curated from a top-secret location on the internet.

They’re so Mormon, they can turn around two wagons in a single Salt Lake City lane.

They’re so Mormon, they eat funeral potatoes at funerals AND weddings.

They’re so Mormon, they hie _back_ from Kolob.

They’re so Mormon, their relatives were members back when the prophet didn’t have an initial in his name.

They’re so Mormon, their pioneer children kept warm over buffalo chips, sang to the oxen while they marched, and walked and walked and walked.

They’re so Mormon, they listen to the soundtrack from _Friday’s_ Warrior.

They’re so Mormon, they have hot cocoa tables in their living rooms and hit their golf balls off lemonades.

They’re so Mormon, they store water by building darns across rivers.
They’re so Mormon, they use the caffeine in chocolate to study late. 

They’re so Mormon, they were for women praying in General Conference before they were against it. 

They’re so Mormon, on their missions they wrote their BYU FHE parents.

They’re so Mormon, they tried to figure out when meat was out of season.
They’re so Mormon, all of their furniture is made out of cleverly-hidden food storage.

They’re so Mormon, they have a two dogs named Mahonri Moriancumer and his brother, Jared.
They’re so Mormon, they even watch General Conference with ClearPlay.
They’re so Mormon, they give their kids 50 pounds of wheat for Christmas every year.
They’re so Mormon, they built an entire walkway at their house out of free Nauvoo bricks.
They’re so Mormon, they named all of their cats Nephi. First Nephi, Second Nephi, Third Nephi…
They’re so Mormon, they start their college and job applications with the phrase, “I, Brinlee, having been born of goodly parents…”
They’re so Mormon, when they took a large boat tour in Alaska, the idiot captain hit a rock, the boat almost sank (putting almost 200 people in the ocean), and they had to be rescued by another boat while wearing life jackets, they blamed it on the fact that they had broken the Sabbath by taking a Sunday tour.
They’re so Mormon, they don’t buy red wine vinegar.
They’re so Mormon, they’re trying to avoid even being “walking Victoria’s Secret.”
They’re so Mormon, they carry four Book of Mormons with them to every stake dance, just to measure the proper distance between partners.
They’re so Mormon, they joined fMh, called everyone Apostate, and told everyone to “Get off my Facebook!” before leaving in a huff.
They’re so Mormon, they think BYU Provo is the liberal BYU.
They’re so Mormon, they drink glasses of “moisture” and use towels to dry the “moisture” off their hands when they wash.
They’re so Mormon, they play a card game called “Egyptian Rat Dance.”
They’re so Mormon, they looked at buying property in Independence, Missouri as part of their emergency preparedness plan.
They’re so Mormon, they go to a Disney movie and still spend the hour afterward discussing the parts of it that “just weren’t necessary.”
They’re so Mormon, they use the word “buttbuttinate” when talking about Lee Harvey Oswald.
They’re so Mormon, their kids learn to play the piano AND the organ.
They’re so Mormon, they have a years supply of cream soup.
They’re so Mormon, they have five different recipes for pies that are made out of food storage beans, but you can’t taste the beans (sort of).
They’re so Mormon, they make their own swimwear out of the same fabric they used to make a pioneer trek skirt.
They’re so Mormon, they read the John Dehlin hit pieces. Both of them.
They’re so Mormon, they cut their honeymoon short to get back for a fireside.
They’re so Mormon, they can be woken out of a dead sleep and name five celebrities that grew up Mormon that they claim as Mormon, anyway.
They’re so Mormon the 7 deadly sins are marriage after 30, no children, being inactive, no green jell-o, not inviting the cashier at Denny’s to a fireside, being only a 5 cow wife, and not saying “Oh my HECK!”
They’re so Mormon, they ask the lawyer in their ward for free legal advice at least once a year.
They’re so Mormon that they have literally turned into a pyramid scheme.
They’re so Mormon that when the Laurel president gets a short haircut, they ask her how she’s doing and if everything’s all right
They’re so Mormon, they apologize and repent for saying “Fetch.”
They’re so Mormon, they tried to sustain Mitt Romney in the Presidential Election.
They’re so Mormon, they know which Osmond brother is which.
They’re so Mormon, EVERY dish has their name scotch-taped on it.
They’re so Mormon, for their first date they went mini golfing, got Fro Yo, and then went home to play Apples to Apples (the date was over by 9:30 PM).
They’re so Mormon, they come home from college to witness the birth of their youngest sibling.
They’re so Mormon, they’re older than at least one of their aunts or uncles.
They’re so Mormon, they bought a chandelier for their dining room that matches the one in the Celestial Room at the temple.
They’re so Mormon, they pinned 8 different patterns for DIY shrugs on Pinterest to get ready for prom.
They’re so Mormon, they ask their kids whether they’re making Nephi choices or Laman and Lemuel choices.
They’re so Mormon they make sure everything is tight like unto a dish except their clothes.
They’re so Mormon they shave the beards off of billy goats.
They’re so Mormon that they considering Women wearing pants to church equal to apostasy.
They’re so Mormon they freak out over uncovered shoulders on a toddler but see nothing wrong with feeding their children “candle salad”
They’re so Mormon their driver’s license photo was taken from a helicopter to get their hair in the frame.
They’re so Mormon, they do homeschool seminary because the seminary teacher is too liberal.
They’re so Mormon, they claim Mexican heritage because their great-great-grandparents were part of the polygamous colonies exiled in Mexico.
They’re so Mormon they think Hawaiian Haystacks are in any way Hawaiian.
They’re so Mormon they bless donuts and soda to “strengthen and nourish our bodies”
They’re so Mormon, they sharpied a one-piece bathing suit onto all of their kids’ Barbies.
They’re so Mormon they wonder which time zone the Holy Ghost uses when he goes to bed at midnight.
They’re so Mormon, they got a MODEST boob-job.
They’re so Mormon they won’t change Barbie and Ken’s clothes in the same room so they can be modest.
They’re so Mormon, they won’t even tell their dog to fetch.
They’re so Mormon, they have a family meeting to schedule an agenda meeting for the family council.
They’re so Mormon, they call it babysitting when dad watches the kids.
They’re so Mormon, the kids get upset because one day, their favorite blouse is in the closet, and the next, it’s part of a quilt.
They’re so Mormon they have 2 of every animal in case Noah comes again before Jesus does.
They’re so Mormon, they don’t say the “S” and the “F” word. (shut up and fart)
They’re so Mormon, you can tell them any selection of objects, improv-comedy style, and they can instantly create a gospel analogy using those objects.
They’re so Mormon, you need the standard works and a dictionary to understand all of the vinyl words on their walls.
They’re so Mormon, they end presentations at work with “I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
They’re so Mormon, all of their coworkers don’t even bat an eye when they end presentations at work with “I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

Bio: Jerilyn Hassell Pool was born and raised in Southern Oregon, the eldest of 8 children. She is the mother of five children, ages 7 to 23. She has been married for nearly 25 years. She has a calling as the pianist in the local Spanish-speaking branch (although she speaks no Spanish) and is active in feminist and LGBTQ communities as a Mormon advocate for inclusion and acceptance. She works from home as a freelance web and print designer.

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