“Out of sight, out of mind. The absent are always in the wrong.” – Thomas Kempis
“They don’t listen to me, they don’t hear me, they don’t see me.” – Nikolai Gogol, Diary of a Madman and Other Stories
The first person I came out to was my bishop when I was 16 years old. I was terrified to tell him. I had kept my secret for 2 years, and I finally decided to tell someone I trusted. The first words out of my bishop’s mouth after I told him were, “Tell me honestly, have you been molested by either your father or your brothers?”
No freaking joke.
He didn’t say, “I’m glad you told me,” or “The Lord loves you.” In fact, after awkwardly questioning me on the subject for a few minutes, he basically told me not to worry about it. Since he had confirmed that nothing traumatic had happened to me, he figured it was something I would be able to deal with and overcome.
I was too inexperienced with the subject at the time to be offended by his rather hurtful assumption of the cause of my ‘SSA’. My bishop was a good man and was honestly concerned for me. He just had no idea how to talk about homosexuality. It was a foreign language to him. I’d like to say that things in the Church have changed dramatically in the past 10 years, but hurtful and inaccurate statements like this are still heard in the Church. All. The. Time.
The Church launched its website, mormonsandgays.org, in late 2012. It was a milestone for many reasons. The most obvious was the overt use of the words “gay and lesbian.” In years past Church leaders had universally referred to gays and lesbians as “those attracted to their same gender” or “so-called gays and lesbians.” It was the first ‘public’ attempt by the Church to address the lack of understanding among Church members and to offer some direction to gay members and those who know and love them. The website includes short messages by Church leaders offering words of counsel, as well as stories of gay Mormons who are committed to living the Gospel and staying in the Church. The website is also notable for affirming the Church’s stance that the origins of same-sex attraction are not known, and that gay people are not making a choice to be gay. This is a huge step forward from past armchair hypotheses by Church leaders.
Many people felt that the website was too little too late. (If you do a google search you’ll see tons of blogs on the subject.) Some of my gay Mormon friends and I were more optimistic. I thought it was a much needed first step. In a church that moves as slow as the proverbial pioneer oxcart (seriously, the absolute worst primary song ever!) it was a welcome sign of positive change. Phrases like, “They really do care,” and “Things can finally get better” were common on gay Mormon Facebook groups and blogs. It gave me hope that as the Church became more candid in talking about homosexuality, I would become more comfortable being open and authentic with my friends and family.
Cue the first general conference after the launch of mormonsandgays.org, April 2013. I thought that surely there would be an address about the website. Surely there would be at least a reference to it and its importance. This was the time, right? They wouldn’t have put out a website like that and not talk about it. It was just too important. The logical next step was to talk about it in conference.
No one ever said the Church was logical.
What I had hoped for – and earnestly prayed for – didn’t happen. Nor has it in the following 3 conferences. In fact, besides a few op-eds in the Deseret News immediately following its launch, the Church has been almost completely silent about the website. Every gay Mormon I’ve asked knows about it, but most members have no idea it exists. I am tired of having to inform bishops about the website. I am tired of having to convince family members and friends that it’s an official Church website they can trust. But most of all I’m just tired of the need to constantly explain to Church members what the Church’s position is on the nature of homosexuality and how gay people should be treated.
The main banner on the website reads, “There is no change in the Church’s position of what is morally right. But what is changing — and what needs to change — is to help Church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other Church members, or elsewhere.”
How in the world are Church members supposed to know how to “respond sensitively and thoughtfully” when homosexuality isn’t actually discussed? How are hurtful attitudes going to change when Church members never hear Church leaders talk about the issues openly?
I did a little research on the amount homosexuality has been discussed in general conference. Of the eight conference talks that spoke about anything gay-ish in the last five years, seven talks mentioned the importance of defending traditional marriage. Only three talks said anything encouraging towards gay members (a special shout out to Elder Andersen for having two of them). While watching conference I have literally shouted at the screen in frustration. Reiterating the doctrine of marriage is taking beating a dead horse to a whole new level. Church members get it. They really do. What isn’t being explained, and what many members still don’t get, is how many gay members there are and how difficult it is to be a gay Mormon. They don’t know how to talk about it – at church or in their own families – and are uncomfortable when people do. When I teach gospel doctrine and say the word ‘gay,’ many members act as if I’ve both simultaneously said a dirty word and announced that I no longer have a testimony. (I get a certain joy from doing this, which is why I try to bring it up often…)
This hesitancy and fear of talking about homosexuality filters down from Church leaders to Church members. What is seen as a priority by the Twelve and the Seventy in conference is what is seen as a priority in wards and stakes. So as we loudly proclaim the sanctity of heterosexual marriage and the evils of gay marriage, the needs of gay members are overlooked and marginalized. Most members can explain the purported dangers of gay marriage at the drop of a hat, but can’t for the life of them have a meaningful discussion on how to interact with and love the gay people in their lives.
The forgotten website and other paltry support given to gay members is a halfhearted attempt at best. It reminds me of those misguided, well-meaning people who, after condemning all gay relationships and/or marriage, assure you with the caveat “But, I have a TON of gay friends, and I’m not homophobic at all.” The gesture is a band-aid on a hemorrhage. It’s a nice thought, but without something else following it up, the problem is just going to get worse.
In his video introducing the website, Elder D. Todd Christofferson says, “When people have those (same-sex) desires and attractions our attitude is, ‘stay with us,’ I think that’s what God is saying: stay with me. And I think that’s what we want to say in the Church: stay with us, and let’s work together in friendship and commonality and brotherhood and sisterhood.”
I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and I want to stay. My testimony is real and tangible and important to me. If it wasn’t I would have left a long time ago. The testimonies and love of friends, family, and Church leaders have given me hope when I had none of my own. I stay because for all of the Church’s shortcomings, I believe it is where God wants me to be. But in my darker moments, I worry that it’s too much. The loneliness of being a gay Mormon, not fully understood by gays or Mormons, can feel like it’s going to break me. And I wonder how many more hits my faith can take before it shatters.
Members are trying. Leaders of the Church are trying. But more needs to be done, and it needs to happen now. Leaders and members need to change their focus from the struggle against gay marriage to the struggle to love and understand those who are gay. The incessant hammering of marriage doctrine is not making the Church or Church members more Christ-like. If anything it perpetuates a Church-wide misunderstanding of the LGBTQ community and alienates some of the most vulnerable members in the process. The status quo is not going to be enough to give gay members, including myself, the hope needed to stay. I pray for the day that Church leaders and members truly listen, hear, and see me, along with my unique gifts and needs as a gay Mormon. It’s a day that can’t come soon enough.
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Daniel Stevens
Daniel is a medical student who has a passion for nutrition. He is the ward gospel doctrine teacher and he thoroughly enjoys teaching. His gigantic family is very important to him and he loves them very much. If you ever meet him, he’ll buy you ice cream and ask for a good conversation about books, politics, and Doctor Who.
All posts by Daniel Stevens
I’ve said the same thing to my Bishop and Stake President…. If we don’t talk about homosexuality in church, then it’s perceived to be a taboo topic. They are both good, good men who want to help, but they also are so reluctant to actually do anything about it. I love them and know they love me, but it is incredibly frustrating still the same. I’ve heard many General Conference talks defending the Proclamation on the Family. And, like you, I get it! I’m weary of hearing about it… I feel like it’s been beaten to death. How wonderful it would be to hear a General Conference talk telling us to welcome our gay brothers and sisters into the church, and how to really love them as Christ taught. When I tell my Bishop that very thing, he does agree. Good man, but reluctant to buck the tide.
“[The LDS] Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history. Therefore, we of all people should be willing to speak out against…unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment–to love one another.”
–Official LDS Church Press Release, Oct 2010
I like this quote from Apostle Quentin L. Cook on the church’s official website you posted:
“As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach [to lesbian, bisexual and gay individuals].”
I feel in US LDS culture we have some work to do in order to meet Elder Cook’s invitation, and Jesus Christ’s expectations of how we express love and compassion towards those who may have differing views than the LDS faith. Christ spent much of his ministry among groups of people that were often looked down on by religious society. Were He in the US today, I don’t doubt He would spend much of his time ministering to individuals within the gay (or more correctly the LGBTQ) community. Positive cultural shifts towards empathy and compassion from all sides are happening, and it’s a beautiful thing to see. I pray that we may continue to become a more Zion-like community where all are loved, understood, and valued regardless of ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or physical appearance.
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction
Wonderfully put. just so well said.
I am not in your same boat, but I feel that I am in the same…ocean? to continue the metaphor.
I’m asexual, something very few people believe is a thing. and it’s shameful, all my life I’ve been told that I need to have children, that sex (with a member of the opposite sex) is beautiful and given of God and is divine.
but the very thought of sex, any kind of sex, just….it is not something I want. Ever.
The people–the very few people I have trusted enough to tell- have told me I’m “just a late bloomer” or that I “will love it once I’ve tried it” or, heartbreakingly, that I’m “broken.”
no one knows how to deal with people who think–who feel–differently than the norm, especially in this Church.
I believe in it, but it doesn’t believe in me.
thanks for this space for me to rant. I can’t on other sites, where I know people, where they’ll judge me.
I am in love with someone who is asexual. For a little while I hoped that all those myths people have told you are true. Then I finally decided that I was okay with asexuality, and we are very happy together this way.
I don’t know if you’re aromantic also (which is completely okay and you should not be ashamed of that either), but either way I thought it might help to remind you that some people do understand and don’t think that it’s weird or unpleasant at all.
What are some ways to bring this topic up and discuss it in church? I am more than happy to talk about it, but I worry that because I’m not very close to anyone that is part of the LGBT community I might end up making a fool of myself, and make it worse for the people I’m trying to help.
Daniel, I am sorry for the things people say that break your faith and I am pleased to hear that your testimony is strong and that you continue worshipping with us. I ask you however to believe in your testimony of a modern day prophets and our leaders. You said you have been praying for our leaders to speak about the website they created in order to promote this awareness for members of the church. Have you considered asking instead “what am I to learn at general conference from my leaders Heavenly Father? What am I to do to better myself?” Our leaders fast and pray about the subjects they need to speak about. There are no assigned subjects. If I may ask, what is your stance on gay marriage in the church? As a gay Mormon do you hope for one day to be able to marry a man in the temple? I say nothing about wether that is right or wrong I just want to understand for as in the doctrine and covenants says and I paraphrase “when both understand one another both are uplifted and edified together” that’s all I want is to understand.
Wow, thanks for that, Travis. I don’t speak for Daniel, but have I considered asking “what am I to learn from my leaders at general conference?”
Yes. Yes I have. Pretty much every day of my life. You probably mean well, but have you considered asking yourself ‘why the f*** am I so patronizing? Do I honestly believe that LGBT mormons don’t think about all of this all the time? Would I be strong enough to remain a member of a church that treated me and my struggles the was the LDS church treats them and theirs?’
“Our leaders fast and pray about the subjects they need to speak about.”
And yet there is still alot we don’t know about the process. I don’t think God is just telling them straight out verbatim everything they need to say or talk about. And I think that He waits for us to ask certain questions before giving us certain answers. Look at Joseph Smith and so many others in the Church who have received great revelations, not because God forced them upon them, but because they took the time to seek and ask specific questions, and were ready to receive the answers. Take having women pray in general conference, for instance. I’m sure the brethren weren’t purposely excluding them from doing so. Rather, it may have just never occurred to them that it was an issue or to do otherwise because that was the way they had always done it. And when someone brought that to their attention, they were more than willing to change it.
Regarding the purported link between pedophilia/molestation and homosexuality in 1992 the Church published a document called “Understanding and Helping Those With Homosexual Problems” which said, “If the troubled person has sexually abused a child, child abuse reporting laws may apply, and the child may need professional therapy. Please refer to the booklet “Child Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders (32248) or additional guidelines.” The “troubled person” refers to someone with homosexual behaviors or tendencies. The myth between pedophilia and homosexuality is highly pervasive. In 1977, Anita Bryant said, “As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.” Public education safety messages about homosexuality in the 1950’s warned of older men who preyed on young boys. Perhaps someday we can uncouple this cultural myth/false association. Human sexuality deserves more admiration and respect than this over-simplification.
I feel your pain, sort of. I am a totally out gay man in my ward. I serve as Choral Director (I know, how cliche), and I am in the Sunday School Presidency. Twenty years ago or so I was excommunicated for gay activism (I edited the first book that called into question Church policy on homosexuality. It caused a fire storm at BYU when it ‘came out’). A year ago I was rebaptized and will renew my temple covenants in a month or so. It’s been a long personal journey through the ever and never changing church policies for SSA (hate that, never use it and never fail to tell members that I am GAY). I agree with you Daniel, that helpful, loving, ‘official’ change is still scant at best, and heartless at worst. For me, however, working out my salvation in mortality is nourished more by being a covenant making member in church which continually and sadly, even stubbornly stays lagging behind and in the dust on any real understanding of the human dynamics and salient issues surrounding homosexuality. Unlike yourself, I did not stay. I left. But I returned. I have so much more work to do because the harvest is almost over and my soul is not yet saved.
Welcome back. There are not enough Lee’s in the Church!
Daniel, just wanted to give a shout out of support! I think what you’re doing, living the gospel, holding close to your testimony, and working to help others understand what we as members of the Church need to change, is incredible, and I’m certain these actions are more challenging than most could even imagine.
I feel strongly that you most certainly have a place as a gay man in this Church. You have just as much to give and share as anyone else. I hope we as members of the Church continue to move forward and become more Christlike in our interactions with all our brothers and sisters.
You are awesome.
Woah, I felt so identified with this. For years i’ve been praying and fasting so this may get away, in recent years, so i can have any answers about it and that I may have the power to stay strong, but in these last months i’m giving up, somehow nothing makes sense now… And Yet my testimony still alive, but it’s getting really hard for me, i don’t have anybody to turn to, I loved the sentence “not understanded by gays or mormons” because that’s really how i feel, and later on, i’ve been feeling lonelier than ever.
My first husband, and his brother, were born with Hemophilia B. After their deaths, from AIDS in 1996, I volunteered at my city’s AIDS Foundation and proceeded to care for gay men who were dying. These were they who is wished to stay in their “homes” for as long as possible whilst the disease took it’s course. These were they whose parents disowned them. Several months back I spoke about this time in my life; (I was 32) and the experience, in Sacrament meeting. I talked about how Christ LOVES. I spoke about how I believe he expects us to LOVE. My time within the trenches of the gay populace was vast. They were suffering so much! It broke my heart how so many families had disowned their sons. I will never understand, or be able to get my heart around the fact that these men were alone. All alone.
Because I was not afraid of AIDS, I was able to serve them. I explained to my ward that I came to truly love these men. I talked to them about God because they would ask me if I thought they were going to Hell; did I believe in an afterlife; was AIDS a punishment?, etc. I bathed them, fed them, cleaned for them, changed I.V. Bags, and many other duties to make life easier for them. But most importantly? I listened. I expressed love. I spoke of hope and love. Just love. Like what God is.
My bishop cried and expressed words of gratitude for the talk I gave. But not one person from my ward, commented to me, on my talk. I have been in that ward for nearly 20-years. I understand many of the personalities. I know exactly who was upset by what I said. I was a bit hurt when those same folks have now made me invisible. They no longer see me. No longer greet me. They avert their eyes. Was I stunned? I was at first. Now I’m sad.
How very sad that love, though spoken about, is not incorporated within the embrace of fellowship. Stop telling me and other Mormons about how compassionate you are and how much you “love.”
Show us!
I’m disgusted only by those that show me their love, indeed, has boundaries; people who say they follow Jesus Christ, but who will go no further… They do not follow Him after all. Because He walks with the gays. He walks with the diseased. He walks with every single person who makes YOU uncomfortable. He walks with all of us because we are God’s children.
Follow Him into the trenches. Follow Him into the places that make you uncomfortable and afraid. Follow Him; because, as a child of God, you will bring Light (warmth) and love (warmth.)
And that’s why we are here. To LOVE. This I believe with all my heart.
Daniel, do not listen to those who think you have things to learn. The lessons, the conversation, and “comforting those who stand in need…” Is not on you. It is on the leaders of the LDS church. Meanwhile, I love you. I am with you. I do not judge you nor preach at you. I love you. I embrace you. I accept you as you are, and do not hope that you change. In my opinion it’s high time the LDS leaders get out of their bubbles and out of their red velvet thrones to truly minister. I want to see a ministry among people who are gay. Not words. Definitely NOT a movement to try and change those individuals! A ministry. Support. Trained people who are qualified to give support, as well as comfort, and strength. But above all, LOVE, which embraces all and supports all and succors all.
Wow Mermaidmood!
Thank you so much for loving when it was so unpopular to do so. You sound like a very sincere disciple of Jesus Christ who truly grasps His message. I’m saddened to hear your Christ-like charity was met with misunderstanding and mischaracterization by some members of the LDS faith. Mormons like you restore my faith in Mormonity 🙂 May God bless you for showing your love by your works, and may your example of ministering to marginalized individuals foster positive cultural change in your sphere of influence.
I do not have the vast experience ministering to the needs of men suffering from AIDS but continually try to discuss kindness, love and compassion towards gay friends, family and neighbors in the church setting. People nervously smile and then quickly change the subject and then act strangely around me. These are subjects that need broaching as Latter-Day Saints. I treasure my friendships with my gay friends way too much to not speak up for them as lovable and equal children of God.
byugay1,
Do you know if there was a study done on this? After reading the experience the author had with his bishop I was reminded of my little brother who is gay and was molested as a child. I am in no way saying it was a cause, but I can see why the bishop would ask this, church instruction aside. My brother was at a critical sexual development point during that time so I could see why people might think this way.
You mentioned that the website was put up by the Church in April 2013. This also was about the time that the Ordain Women group was getting started. That has diverted attention away from helping people like you. I think that once that issue is settled, we will hear more in Conference about the website. In one of my Stake Council meetings just after the website was launched, my Stake President did train all of us about the website, and I suspect other Stake Presidents also gave that training to their local leaders. But it does take a while for the water to reach the end of the row.
I suggest anyone who is struggling with the temptations of same sex attraction go to their bishop and open up the website- take your laptop into his office if possible. Go through it together. Elder Oaks did a training video that the bishops have access to. Ask your bishop to review that video again (assume he has seen it already to give him the benefit of the doubt). In it, Elder Oaks shared a letter from the mother of a young man who went to his bishop to talk about this subject. The bishop was very un-Christ-like, and Elder Oaks makes it VERY clear that that bishop needs to repent. Bishops have a lot on their plate and often don’t study on an issue until it comes up. Be considerate of that fact, but seek the help you need to have the strength to resist this temptation.
Elder Christofferson’s son and daughter-in-law used to be in my ward. I know that Elder Christofferson has a brother who is gay. One of my mission companions was friends with Elder Scott’s family and he has a son who is gay. I don’t understand why they don’t talk about it. It would help so much if they would share.
http://voicesoflove.org/2014/06/05/tom-and-clarke/
Here’s the link to Elder Christofferson’s brother Clark’s story.
Sorry wanted to clarify. Tom is Elder Christofferson’s brother and his partner’s name is Clarke.
Just wanted to tell you that I love you! And that I have known about the Mormons and Gays site for awhile and have visited it often to look for answers to my own questions because I do support gay marriage, but I respect and believe the the Church should be able to make their own decision about whether to perform gay marriages. For a long time I struggled because I felt like I was going against the Church because I believed differently from my leaders, friends, and most of my family, but I had to follow my conscience. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that all I need to do is have faith and all of my questions will be answered in time. It is in my faith that I found peace.
I love this article and I think it perfectly describes what needs to happen within the Church to create a better understanding of how the leaders view the Mormons who are gay and how, we, as members, need to respect, love, and accept people the way Christ would.
This article has inspired me to write a response on my blog. Here is the url.
http://whenwendygrew.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-new-calling.html
It’s longer than a comment should be so I blogged it. I hope the author reads it and anyone else looking for people who are ready to start listening and being better christians.
Don’t worry it’s all good things and pertinent to the conversation.
Thanks for the article, it’s very insightful.
In the training video for Stake Presidents/ Bishops that goes along with the website, Elder Oaks says it concerns him when people label themselves as “gay”. The suggestion (as I understood it) was that putting labels on ourselves does not help us resist sin. It is like me saying I’m an alcoholic because I feel tempted to drink a beer all the time. If I say I’m an alcoholic all the time, does that create a mindset that someday I will give in to the temptation to start drinking? We should not define ourselves by the temptations which we are afflicted with. Instead we should be happy labeling ourselves (and others) as children of God. I am glad to see conscience efforts to teach that it is not wrong to have temptations, and that we should not treat others differently because they might have a temptation that is very different from anything we can understand.
Homesexuality is a thing buddy. This is a fact, accept it.
Denial doesn’t help and the fact is that the word for people like me is “gay.” Identifying with a label helps us (or at least, it helps me) feel less freakish and alone. The label does NOT cause me to break the law of chastity. It does not cause me to believe I will “one day give in” and sin. I am gay RIGHT NOW. I can’t choose not be and the fact that I am not “acting on it” doesn’t mean I’m not gay… your analogy is ridiculous. No one who IS TEMPTED to drink but NEVER HAS could be an alcoholic. I am tempted but I never have acted on it, and I am gay.
Also, some of us don’t consider homosexuality an addiction.
What about support for those with Gender identity disorder or gender dysphoria? I’ve seen nothing that give direction or support. Has anyone seen or heard of what the Church’s stance is on that? Does anyone have experience themselves or with a family member they’d be willing to share?
My experience is that my Mormon family pretty much threw me away when I came out to them as trans, to the point of endangering my housing situation.
In the few conversations I had with them afterwards, one of my brothers compared me to a violent criminal. That was around the time I decided I was done with them.
I will be happy when gays and lesbians can be fully accepted for who they are. It is more than a temptation, it is who they are. They need to be loved and accepted on that basis. I am not alone. Clay Christensen was interviewed by Nautilus. Here is an excerpt:
“Our understanding of God, and our relation to him, and questions like same-sex attraction and marriage, we’re somewhere between here and there.” Christensen says he realizes that same-sex attraction and marriage can be seen as a disorder and a sin. But that’s not what he sees. “My position would be, I think you guys are dead wrong. But I can’t announce to mankind that I’m right and the church is wrong. The best I can do is to say, ‘well, just like the brother of Jared, where the truth is on the other side of this boulder, I’m on this side, I’m learning and I can say to myself and to my friends, I think I’m farther along than the church is on this one.’ ”
I hope we can all get to the other side intact.
link to article quoted:
http://nautil.us/issue/14/mutation/how-the-mormons-conquered-america
Thank you for your honest post. Your story is inspiring. Thank you for staying faithful despite the lack of progress or support you and other gay Mormons deserve. I’m saddened that you have to speak up and tolerate so much intolerance in the church. I am grateful for what you wrote. You have made me aware of the lack of support so many gay Mormons experience. I will pray for you and all gay Mormons.
Hey Daniel,
Love you, man. This explains a lot. Sorry so many, especially me, have been such twits. You and your family are so precious. I know silence can appear cold, but sometimes it’s just total ignorance of another’s pain. We often get caught up in our own pain, thinking no one could suffer as much as we do. Rarely it’s respect for another’s privacy, and quiet appreciation combined with being so stunned and amazed you just don’t know what to say, so it comes across as cold and uncaring. I won’t make that mistake again. Not consciously anyway.
Never give up on positive change though. It’s one of those great universal truths – we all tend to be self-justifying in our current state, and not sympathetic or seeking to understand another’s plight, and underestimate the degree to which our culture and our companions justify not changing, and the degree to which positive change is possible and necessary eternally. Even though it’s unlikely in this life.
All Of Us.
Thanks for casting a new light, and love (same thing, really!) on the shadows.
Lee,
Is that video accessible to the lay member?
DavidH,
Congratulations on your baptism and potential restoration of blessings. I’m just a few months ahead of you on that journey. God’s grace is such a miracle.
When MormonsAndGays first come online, my bishop used much of it for his 5th Sunday lesson material and invited all the adults to spend additional time on the site. He did something similar with the combined youth the next week. He and my stake president have been a great support to me. I’m sorry that others have not been so fotunate.