It’s 1993, I’m six years old, and I’m sitting in the pews listening to a speaker in Sacrament meeting. I’m not sure I can take it anymore. My parents have made it very clear that I must sit still. My attention span ran out about 10 minutes in (my adult attention span is not much longer). I look over and see my friend Sam in the pew next to us, playing with Ninja Turtles. Why have I not thought of this? After church I tell my mom that I am going to bring my Ninja Turtles next week. She says, “No. We need to be good and pay attention during church.” Great. I can’t wait until next Sunday. Not.
It’s 2015, I’m sitting in the pews listening to a speaker in Sacrament meeting. I’m not sure I can take it anymore. My three year old son is alternating between kicking the pews and attempting to escape under them. I grab his leg as he is crawling under, he extends his arm as far as it will go and grabs a piece of Captain Crunch that appears to be from the time of the Pioneers. I grab his arm to stop him but I’m too slow; he sticks it in his mouth. He turns to his Mom and yells, “MOM! CAN I PLAY ANGRY BIRDS?!?” She says, “Shhh!!! We have to be quiet!” He repeats back in a loud whisper, “MOM! CAN I PLAY ANGRY BIRDS?!?” She says, “No. We need to be good and pay attention during church.” He begins kicking the pews again. My wife can’t take it anymore, and she turns to me and asks for my tablet. She opens up a kids app that prevents him from getting into other parts of the tablet. She hands it to our son and he presses the Angry Birds app. It begins blaring the Angry Birds theme music. She grabs it back and begins pressing the volume buttons but the kids app prevents changes in volume. She hurriedly enters the password and finally turns down the volume, in what feels like several minutes. After church I ask my wife what she thought of the talks in Sacrament meeting. Neither of us have any idea what they were about.
We’ve been to churches where they have classes for kids during the main adult meeting. Our son usually has a great time and we have an awesome break. In the Mormon Church we have a different philosophy. A philosophy of child torture. The talks aren’t designed for children. We’re lucky if they have been designed at all; most ward members are not known for their speaking skills. While the talks are often torture for me, they are even more so for my three year old. At least there is Primary the other two hours, right?
We drop off my son at Primary and we go to Sunday School. He turned three right before the beginning of the year so he is the youngest in his Sunbeams class. We get 15 minutes into Gospel Doctrine and his teacher shows up at the door. I walk over and she whispers to me that our son needs to go to the bathroom. Apparently the teachers aren’t allowed to take him. I take him in and sit him on the potty and he doesn’t do anything. I take him back to class. 10 minutes later his teacher shows up again at Gospel Doctrine. She says our son needs to go potty. I take him to the bathroom and sit him on the potty and he doesn’t do anything. “They’re going to stop believing you when you say you need to go potty,” I say. I take him back to class and tell the teacher that he is faking. At the end of church we go and pick him up and get his scribbled drawing. “It’s our family,” he tells us. I’ll take his word for it. We ask his teacher how he did in class. “He had to sit on my lap because he was having a hard time sitting still during Sharing Time.” Apparently Primary is just more child torture, they sit for two hours with short breaks in between.
Is it really all worth it? Is my son getting anything out of this? Are there really enough benefits to outweigh all of the work required? Should we switch churches so that we can go somewhere where they actually try to tailor things to children? This is a serious debate that I’ve been having with my wife. She feels that church is good for him. I say that it might or might not be good for him so we should look for a church that is willing to work a little harder. This is without getting into any debates about whether the Church is going to turn our son into a racist, misogynist, homophobe. Sure there are some nice teachings about being kind to others, etc. But can’t he get those somewhere else? Where he will also have a better time?
It’s time for the church to modernize its approach to children. I know we are a conservative, slow moving church. We’re still singing 19th century Protestant hymns and preaching against the evils of biological evolution. And I might be able to handle that. But please, think of the children. Here are a list of potential suggestions:
- Three year olds and eleven year olds are not the same. In wards with small Primaries like ours there is little separation between Junior and Senior Primary. They should be treated differently.
- Three year olds aren’t quite ready to give up play time. There needs to be a smoother transition from Nursery to Primary.
- Like many callings in the Church, training of Primary teachers is pretty much non-existent. No one knows how to handle misbehaving children, or the appropriate number of breaks to take to keep the children focused, how to tailor religious classes, etc.
- We need to offer classes for children during Sacrament meeting, at least the younger ones. Sacrament meeting simply isn’t for children.
I’m sure there are many more good ideas. I am no expert on child development and education. However, if there’s one thing the church is good at it is forming committees. Let’s get some innovative professionals who are willing to shake things up, put them on a committee for improving Primary, and let them do their thing. Children around the world will thank you. And their parents.
Brigham Young asked parents to NOT bring their children to sacrament meeting..”if you cant bear to be without your darlings for a few hours then just stay home’
if the church got serious about making meetings meaningful.. it could only happen if women were given equal voice in the church..
Sometimes my family and I attend a Mainline Protestant church service. Communion is at the end of the service and there’s a children’s class that runs concurrently with the first two-thirds or so of the service. The children and children’s class leaders then come in with the full group as the Communion portion of the service is beginning. It generally seems to be a good arrangement.
A downside to that arrangement is that the adult leaders miss most of the adult meeting. A workaround might be to have the adults take turns in leading the children’s class?
Also, I believe that Matt Bowman’s book The Mormon People talks about how “reverence” became a key marker of spirituality in Mormonism only in the first half of the 20th century. Perhaps church authorities believe that encouraging small children to be “reverent” for an 85-minute meeting will help them become more spiritual. (An optimistic prediction, to say the least.)
So what you’re suggesting is a committee meeting to discuss how to deal with getting through a meeting. In addition to the meeting to discuss/plan what to do in the meeting. In addition to the meetings to discuss/plan the other meetings in the three-hour block of meetings. Plus the meetings with the youth each week, the meetings with home teachers and visiting teachers, a.k.a. “visits” and the Monday night family home meetings. Hmm. I have meeting-phobia and just the word “meeting” triggers the obnoxious-response center of my brain.
But other than that, I think it’s a good idea. Even though my kids are grown ups now, sometimes I didn’t mind their bad behavior because then I was forced to leave the meeting with them and enjoy myself in the hall with like-minded individuals. Some of my best meetings have been in the foyer.
Amen brother. Both of my kids hate church. I remember my young son once commenting that Jesus was mean and he hates him. We stopped attending because I didn’t want my kids to think that Jesus would force them to sit still and be quiet for three hours. It’s unrealistic and does not give them a good idea of what worship is really about.
onecrazymama,
Ha! I’m fine with more meetings as long as I don’t have to go to them. Of course the committee I’m referring to is on the general level not the ward level. So for most people the committee wouldn’t affect the number of meetings you must attend.
ALL OF THIS. We attend a Protestant church sometimes and my kids ask me if we’re going to “the fun church” or “the boring church.” Wanna guess which is which? As a convert I never had to experience church as a child, but watching my kids experience the LDS church has been so depressing. Church is not meant for them, and it makes me wonder how anyone reaches adulthood still wanting to go.
This is what happens when you put grandpa in charge of things. Grandpa forgot what it was like to have a small child. He forgot two decades ago.
He wonders why you don’t like driving 2 hours one way to come visit on your only weekend off because he has forgotten the responsibilities of a work-a-day life. After all, he’s retired, bored and has nothing but free time… what, you don’t?
The only toy grandpa has at his house is a beat up burlap sack. That’s all he had growing up and by gum that’s all the grand kids need.
Every time you do go over for a visit he either repeats the same two stories over and over again or lectures you about politics and how everything should be the way things never were.
That’s what happens when you put grandpa in charge. The LDS church is what you get when you put great-grandpa in charge.
So much of this depends on the teacher. In our ward, the Sunbeams teachers (husband and wife) bring a snack and an activity for the kids every week. A bit much, I know. But man, does my son love it!
I can’t clap hard enough for this. On top of church just plain sucking for kids in general, I have one with autism. He used to be a boy full of faith in God, but going to church has made him an atheist. It’s a fight every week, and now that he is nearly as tall as I am, I can’t *force* him to go. Seriously considering trying out another church, because I’d rather he believe in God just a little bit at least, whether its the Mormon God or not. If I didn’t think it would put a wrench in my marriage, I’d have left long ago.
We have been starting to go for hikes in the mountains for our “church” on Sunday. The kids love it! We talk about whatever, including God and nature and life in general.
I have created a new definition for “active member,” but according to how the Church reports to the world, you only need to go to one meeting a quarter to be considered “active.” We show up about that often so the folks in Salt Lake can look good, but the rest of the time we enjoy our Sundays.
“What about the sacrament??!! Don’t you need that every week to stay clean??”
Exploring with my family in nature (or wherever for that matter) is much more cleansing than eating crumbs of bread and sips of water. I suppose that means I need to do all the more repenting and go to more meetings. Seems like self-flagellating penance to me. Let’s get out of the Dark Ages.
It seems to me that the long term implications of forcing a child to sit reverently and miserably through three hours of church every week cannot be good. Church becomes something kids dread. I hated sitting through church as a kid, and I never really got past it as an adult.
So it made it really easy for me to stop attending after a faith crisis, and I’ve never regretted that decision. Now I take my kids into nature to see God’s creations on Sunday. We go on hikes, boating or camping on Sundays and talk to one another. And we are all better (and happier) people for it!
My parents have commented more than once that it’s important to take my toddler son to church every week so he can “learn it’s what’s expected” along with what’s expected. My wife calls BS on that, and stays home from sacrament with him if it’s my week on call.
This is the prep work for enduring the end. Think of it as spiritual push-ups.
Wow. and we wonder why we are becoming a God-less nation. Is it really too much to expect that we start training our children to be reverent and to sit quietly for an hour a week. Way too much “if it feels good then it is good” going on in this blog entry and comments. I had 3 children 3 and under, by myself most Sundays. I’m no martyr, nor am I an anomaly… but I think that it is important to teach our children that there is a time and a place for certain things. I fear for the workforce and the future if children can’t be expected to sit and do quiet activities (NOT INCLUDING ANGRY BIRDS!) for 1 hour a week. Sad state, surely a sign of the times.
Micki,
Wow. and we wonder why we are becoming a God-less nation.
I’m not sure how you can equate godlessness with kids not liking sitting still. We are told that children are our models, we are to be like them. Their nature is to be restless, wanting to learn, explore and be stimulated. Sacrament meeting stifles all of that, so I’d say that there is less God in that setting than one where a child can be open and expressive.
Is it really too much to expect that we start training our children to be reverent and to sit quietly for an hour a week.
What you are saying is that we should teach children to be adults and learn to prepare for the corporate world. I can see why, because it is the model the church has used ever since it ceased to be a church and became the Corporation of the President.
I had 3 children 3 and under, by myself most Sundays. I’m no martyr, nor am I an anomaly… but I think that it is important to teach our children that there is a time and a place for certain things.
There IS a time and place for certain things. I expect my kids to be quiet and respectful at a funeral. But I’d wager that in the child’s eyes there is no difference between an LDS Sacrament Meeting and an LDS funeral (except for the fun little plastic cups that Mom doesn’t let you keep).
Sad state, surely a sign of the times.
I don’t know what people mean when they say this. It seems like a pretty self-evident statement. It’s a sign of the times we live in that there is AC in the church building, and free wifi so everyone can play their games, and online tithing, and General Authorities tweeting and posting on Facebook, etc. It was a sign of the times when black people were granted the Priesthood, and when polygamy was outlawed, and gay marriages were accepted.
Just because someone says in a blog the thing that everyone else is thinking doesn’t mean that the world has gone to pot. Unless you want to go back to the days when we had 2 hour Sacrament meeting, go home for lunch and then have another long meeting… then take your kids to Primary in the middle of the week, I’d say be thankful that people like this blogger are expressing themselves. It will only mean improvements. Like it or not, these kids are the future of the church. Why not appeal to their natural state now and have it ingrained in their minds that church is a pleasant experience and not a funeral? That might mean trying something new. One can only hope, anyway.
I’m with you on this one. My son has autism as well and he had a similar experience.
You are spot on. My daughter calls it the boring church. I totally get that kids should know how to sit still and be quiet, but expecting it from a toddler is too much. In most wards I have attended, the small children have made it nearly impossible to get anything out of the meeting. It would not take much at all to have background checked members take turns watching the little children during Sacrament. Wait….. I must be thinking of another church. The LDS church doesn’t perform background checks on anyone who works with children.
And your children are going to magically sit quietly during a funeral, right? When they have not been trained or had any experience sitting reverently anywhere? I really don’t see it as an unacceptable burden to start having my children, at a very early age, start doing things properly. Too hard for toddlers? The when do we start? It’s really too much for elementary school age… Since they have never had any “practice.” And “really, these Tweens can’t be expected to sit and listen, that is really too much to ask.” “And, by, golly, this stuff really isn’t what teenagers are into… Making them participate in their salvation just isn’t cool.” And Family Home Evening… I have had plenty of those that were just too hard for my littler one when we were having a good lesson or discussion with the older ones- and vice versa, a little remedial lesson for the little one- “you big kids can go, cuz this isn’t for you.” Nope
If you have no interest in starting to train our children when they are small, when do you propose that we do it? If I recall, it was Jesus that said ” Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” Does that not include sacrament meeting?
“… and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased.”
Should children go to a funeral? I think that is a personal question which each parent has to address. But maybe for this author, a funeral won’t be a place for children either. Also when they go to school, the teacher tailors the lessons to the kids. I think the difference is just that, one message is tailored for adults in sacrament meeting and in school, it is for the appropriate age. FHE – each kid can have their own job, etc. The comparisons just aren’t that good. Yes suffer the little children to come unto me – so maybe it is time to really look at how we are trying to do this.
Our church is much more participatory than other congregations. Others “entertain” with bands and musical numbers (if the
Schmaltzy gospel rock doesn’t bore you too). We participate…have everyone sing. Primary children sing special numbers, families can sing or give the program, and if kids are still bored, they can learn to play a piano piece (even one-handed) or memorize a poem and perform it. Families give the homilies and pray. It isn’t perfect, but I think there is value in at least trying. Jana reiss wrote an interesting post on why church is so boring, including for children. Essentially, there is no expectation for miracles and no spiritual fulfillment. Angels circling children? Speaking in tongues? Heavens opening? Revelations? Snake charming? (Just kidding about the snake charming, I got carried away). I think we are bored because we aren’t in a Kirtland or Nauvoo type era of flowing revelation. We expect our experience to be boring, not miraculous.
That being said, the following might help:
1. Deliver sacrament talks to primary children.
2. Make primary children give youth talks (as they used to do).
3. families with special needs members are gathering in experimental special needs wards in Utah with a 1 hour service including a short 15 min sacrament meeting, and and activity-based class for 35 min.
4. Instead of family pews, we need family boxes (like the ones in colonial American churches). Let your rugrats play on the floor-contained unseen in a playpen.
5. Coloring books, toys, and drawings are just fine. If the content is too high, the atmosphere should be loving. People won’t remember what was said, they will only remember how they felt. Why is it cool to meditate in yoga or outdoors, but not cool to soak in the spirit at church?
6. Primary suffers from the same problem the American educational system suffers from: too much outcomes-based instruction. Kids do indeed need play time, more music, more food, and fun rule-breaking with teachers.
7. We need to adopt the Hawaiian saint’s aloha attitude! Every speaker should yell out, “aloha!” and wait for us to reply back!
8. Food. We.need.food.
9. Outdoor gardens where classes can go in good weather.
10. Elocution lessons for the saints.