I have family and friends that are either in the midst of a faith crisis or have passed through their crisis and now find themselves outside of the Church. As I have spoken with them and listened to others’ stories about their faith transitions, I have taken mental notes of what seems to help and what doesn’t help. So, I decided to make a “How To Guide” for dealing with friends and family who are in the middle of a faith transition:
- You must love them. This may sound like a “no-brainer”, but the majority of people that are in the middle of a faith crisis are afraid of losing friends and family if they discuss with them their doubts and concerns.
- You must love them. Didn’t I say that already? Ya, I did. You get the idea now. This cannot be the superficial, smiling in the hallway at church, kind of thing. It must be a real love. If you don’t possess that, your friends and family will see right through you.
- Do not assume that they have been sinning or want to sin and are just looking for excuses to leave the Church.
- You must realize that doubt is not a sin.
- Do not assume that the reason for their doubts is because they’ve stopped reading the scriptures and praying. They most likely have been doing those things for a long time and are still wrestling with doubts.
- You must realize that there is a good chance they will leave the Church. That is a tough one, but it is a reality.
- Realize that for some, either because of the need to maintain their own healthy mental well being, or for reasons of integrity, it is better for them to leave the Church.
- If your friend or family member leaves the Church, you must honor that decision.
- If this is your spouse, do not threaten to leave them. Family is more important.
- Understand that most Mormons that leave the Church either become agnostic or atheist.
- Do not accuse them of reading “anti-Mormon” literature (although this may be true). People have left the Church after reading a scholarly history, such as Richard Bushman’s Rough Stone Rolling.
- Understand that if your friend or family member leaves the Church, they will still be morally good people.
- They must understand that if they leave the Church, you will still love them and not think less of them.
- Do not say something idiotic like, “The Devil has deceived you.” Your roll is not to call them to repentance or to preach to them. If you do this, they will probably stop talking to you.
- Shut up and listen. Within Mormonism, we often think we have the answers to everything – when we don’t. Many times our friends and family aren’t looking for answers to questions, they are just looking for someone that will listen to them.
- You must validate their concerns. Just because you have not experienced what they are experiencing, doesn’t make their story any less valid.
- Realize that if they have gotten up the courage to talk to you, that they have spent months, if not years, thinking and worrying.
- If they do want answers to questions, only answer them if you have a plausible answer. Don’t make crap up.
- Understand that your family member or friend has been “trying to make it work” for a long time and has probably been in a lot of pain while trying to work things out.
- If they do want answers to questions, realize that they have been thinking, reading, and studying about this harder and for a longer period of time than you have. If you want to help you need to study and read A LOT before you start spilling out crappy answers.
- If you are reading and studying more in an attempt to help, the reading must be outside the correlated dribble that we get in our Sunday School classes and the “white-washed” drivel Deseret Book produces.
- Realize that they are going to be hurt and angry and are going to say things that might offend you.
- Realize that a crisis won’t be averted through just one or two discussions with you. Be patient. It could take months or even years for the person to go through this transition and they probably won’t be the same afterward. Most either end up with a more mature, nuanced faith, or leave the Church.
- Be discrete. They have told you about their doubts and concerns in confidence.
- Realize that all of these suggestions can be difficult to do. Do not take this on unless you are committed to all of the above.
These are just general suggestions that I have found have kept open the communication lines between my friends and family members that are going through a faith crisis or have transitioned out of a faith crisis and have left the Church. Keeping the lines of communication open without judgement are extremely important during this difficult time and can help save friendships and family relationships.
SPOT ON!
This is a wonderful list. Thank you.
All good things Mike. Tried to narrow it down to my faves…
4=Truth
9=Truth
14=Truth
20=Truth
21=Truth
23=Truth
24=Truth
Thank you! The more we can get this sort of thing out there, the fewer people who will be hurt and the fewer families that will split.
I absolutely needed this today. Thank you so much, Mike! Rockstar as always.
Michael, what a great list! As Heidi says, the more we get information like this out there the less people going through an already hard time will have to struggle.
I have to be a Debbie Downer and register my concern over #9 in relation to #10. I can be friends with anyone, but I could not share my life and my love with someone who did not believe in God. It is too important to me and is that much of a deal-breaker.
I have no problem with someone leaving The Church because I do not conflate The Church with God. Plenty of folks who are not LDS believe in God. That said, since it is such a big part of who I am at my core a spouse who truly no longer believed in God would have to find themselves on the other end of Divorce papers for me.
I know that it probably sounds harsh in the abstract, but I would never marry someone who didn’t believe in God, so why would I stay married to someone who no longer believed? I can still love that person but it would destroy that foundation.
I’ll head off the booing by reminding folks that whether or not they are even willing to admit it to themselves the overwhelming majority of marriages are conditional. If one would divorce their spouse for cheating, beating, finances, or any other reason it makes perfect sense to divorce them because you can no longer share with them the most important part of who you are.
Otherwise, again like I said, great list and such important information for all to have. Thanks.
I respond to this comment as the religious child of two parents who stayed married after my father gave up his belief.
It is definitely difficult to navigate change in belief. It is especially difficult in situations where one spouse’s loss of belief turns into lack of support and even active hostility toward the other’s church activity. But I cannot understate how much it has meant to me to see my parents work to honor their core commitment to each other through all the emotional baggage, interpersonal negotiation, and mutual insecurities that come with a change in belief.
Look, I can’t tell you what you would need to do in that hypothetical situation. But I can tell you that you can grow closer to God by honoring commitments to a spouse even when there’s a wedge of alienation between you on a core issue like belief. If your relationship to God is the most important thing to you, holding on to a person who leaves the faith is going to be your best possible course in most cases.
When might it be better to leave a marriage? I agree with Elder Faust who said that a person should leave a marriage when it has become “a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship that destroys a person’s dignity as a human being.” If one spouse is taking the emotional tension of a faith change and pushing it in the form of verbal abuse onto the other partner, it may be best to leave.
That’s true, though, of either the spouse who retains or abandons belief. If you constantly tear down a spouse of their unbelief, you may be breaking the marriage. If they constantly tear down you over your belief, they may be breaking the marriage.
If both can learn love and respect across their difference, Christ is in that love and respect and will sustain you in your moments of loneliness.
I appreciate your perspective, James, I really do.
I am supremely aware that it would not work for me though. Like I said, a loss of religion really means nothing to me but a loss of faith in God not only would signify the death of the marriage because of the rocking of the core foundation but because I would not be able to trust my spouse’s faith in me either. I am supremely flawed. Whatever accusations one may level against God, worse can be leveled at me. I would not be able to trust that they had my back anymore. I can still love, still respect, and if need-be still co-parent but I know myself and I could not stay in a marriage through it.
I am glad your parents were able to make it work. For some people it is not a deal-breaker. For me it is the only absolute deal-breaker.
EOR….I’m having a hard time understanding why you think that someone who has lost their belief in God would no longer have your back?
Thanks for your question, Garrett.
I think if someone at one point had a belief in God and then now no longer has one there has to be a reason for that. They are either disappointed, hurt, feel a lack of communication with the divine, etc… (a literal myriad of reasons) If one can no longer have faith in a being they once considered to be their maker how do I stand a shot of not disappointing them?
As far as faith in God is concerned I have never been able to shake it even when I have wanted to. I know of course that everyone is not like me, but I am full of self-doubt and I would feel I would need to constantly walk on eggshells with this person. It just wouldn’t work for me.
EOR….very valid point. I think the difference for me is that my love between me and my wife is very tangible….I can witness it on a daily basis in many different circumstances. Whether there is a god or not for many of us, myself included, is something very intangible….lacking in direct evidence. For that reason I can give up belief in God without giving up the love that I have for my wife
I loved hearing your insights as a child in this situation. I married in the temple and was active in the church with my husband rearing our 4 kids. He lost his belief in God 7 years ago – something that was extremely difficult for him to experience. He tried for two years to believe again to no avail. His perceptions of what had been spiritual experiences had changed and he was no longer able to view God as a participant in those experiences any longer. He is a best friend, lover, father of my children and we stuck it out although it was a huge transition. It wasn’t easy but I knew and love him and watched what he went through. That experience has added a dimension to our relationship and marriage that we had not experienced before.
Thanks for your story
With all due respect, number one should be seek the Lord for spiritual guidance. You can read whatever you want for as long as you want, but it won’t matter unless you seek that which matters most. That goes both for the person in the faith crisis and the person trying to help.
It isn’t missionaries that convert. It’s the Spirit of the Lord (and you have to be open if that Spirit directs you no further than the standard works… or that “dribble Deseret Book produces”).
Dennis–you completely missed the boat, my friend. Your haughty attitude is probably just the thing many doubters need to bring them around.
Dennis…. I agree with Darb and Brent. You completely missed the boat on this. What happens when you are living righteously, serving actively, temple going, etc etc etc and you feel like there is no communication between you and God….you feel like you are getting no response. The fact of the matter is that you have gone and done what so many others in the church do….you jumped to conclusions and tried to offer your solution to the doubt. You didn’t ask questions to understand….you just made am assumption and went with the solution you figured would correct the situation. Please don’t assume that I haven’t tried approaching God, that I haven’t have prayed, that I haven’t sought out truth. In fact, it is a exactly the opposite
Dennis: I actually agree that what you recommend should be part of the equation. But then what? What if that doesn’t do the trick? I can say from personal experience, that’s exactly what happened w/me. I did everything you recommend and it wasn’t enough. When I was on the precipice of jumping off the bandwagon I found two things that helped me immensely: 1) I discovered Hugh Nibley; 2) my mom and dad simply loved me and told me the only thing they expected of me was honesty. They would respect whatever decisions I arrived at if they were arrived at honestly. My dad was a stake president at the time, btw, for what it’s worth. My mom tried the guilt-trip approach initially, but quickly realized it wasn’t working. My parents are long gone, (I’m thankful for gospel teachings as to where they’ve gone), I’m still “active” in the Church, (whatever that means), still doubt many things, but I’ve come to a sort of understanding w/my god and my church and it works. I also have to give credit to the Church itself, which IMHO, has “lightened up” a little lately too; (e.g., gay issues, etc) “Teach men (and women) correct principles and let them govern themselves” applies to spiritual crises, more than anything else, IMHO.
I interpreted Dennis’ comment a different way:
If you are wanting to make sure you are HELPING and not HURTING, seek inspiration on how best to do so. Such inspiration might direct someone to a great post such as this, or to another source of information that would apply to a different set of circumstances.
In any event, the way I read his comment, there are a LOT of good things you could do, seek inspiration to do the BEST one(s) given your specific situation.
This is the problem. This is always the problem. When one is having a crisis of faith one does not seek spiritual guidance, as spiritual guidance has failed. In my case, failed tragically. There was no spiritual guidance to seek. A person who would say “seek the Lord for spiritual guidance” is not having a crisis of faith and does not understand, cannot understand and will never understand. They will look at you and say “seek spiritual guidance” and they will lose friends, family members, loved ones.
I won’t bore you with the details – I suspect they would make no difference to you. In the end I came out the other side agnostic, but for awhile there I could not claim even a belief in a higher power.
This list is spot on. I’m happy most of my family and friends were much more understanding than Dennis.
Dennis B. But you must understand that for many, that’s the major problem: seeking and not finding, asking and not receiving, despite prolonged seeking and asking. Thus that advice rings hollow and is considered—at least by me– as a veiled judgment (see # 14) and not worth further consideration. It’s a knee-jerk response that, unfortunately, is commonly utilized to fault the doubter and is perceived by the doubter as an ad hominem attack: (“You just didn’t persevere,” or “You didn’t go about it the right way,” or “Maybe you need to clear-up some things with the bishop,” or “You’re just haven’t been open enough,” etc.) Until this becomes apparent the communication divide will persist.
Thank you for posting this Mike. Just last month I was approached by someone who had “good” intentions about asking me why I hadn’t been to church. He bore his testimony to me no less than 5 times in the course of our 30 min discussion. He also told me that I am one of the elect that has been deceived by Satan and that I have been lazy and I need to stop. All of this was wrong. I have no desire to talk to people on my issues if they have no desire to listen to me. You are a force for much good within Mormonism, Mike.
As one who has had ups and downs all my life, I must say I finally feel at peace. No one can take another persons free agency, only the person can make a decision for him or herself. I can say,
though, when I was in the “down” phases, I was extremely unhappy and my life was in turmoil. When I quit trying to work out my life here and turned it over to my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, I felt their love and forgiveness and the peace the Holy Ghost brings. I now look at nature, my children, my grandchildren and all the blessings I have and realize that the saying that “man might have joy” is what it’s all about.
I really loved this article because it brought up the issue that many members of the church oversimplify what can often be a rather complex issue. That being said, I think that parts of this article may have swung the pendulum the other way and made the issue so complex as to render the issue as a nearly hopeless one. In saying that we should never question whether or not the person has unresolved sins would be a huge mistake. True, one should not assume that this MUST be the case if a person has doubts, but we shouldn’t go the other way entirely and say that it’s NEVER one of the core issues either. In the right time and place, and by the right person, bringing up such a question might be the thing that the person needs. The same thing goes with your point about prayer and scripture study. One should not assume that a lack of these things is what has led to the doubt (often times it’s not a lack of it, but the approach taken to reading the scriptures, and sometimes it doesn’t have a lot to do with the issue at all), but then again, don’t assume that its not the problem either. I do appreciate the recognition that such issues are nuanced and more complex than these simple generalizations, and that many factors contribute to feelings of doubt. That being said, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Ryan, Why must you even worry whether someone has sinned or not? Why must it be an issue to anyone else if someone has stopped reading the scriptures? We dont know others’ stories and what has happened to get them to where they are at. The problem with making any assumptions at all like that is that more often then not people find themselves on the wrong end of the assumption…they incorrectly judge someone. I spoke with Mike yesterday about this blog posting and one of the most important things that he told me was that he didnt care what my status with the church was…he just wanted to remain friends. That meant more to me than almost any other interaction that i have had with members of the church in a long time. To be honest, I hate the statement “dont throw the baby out with the bathwater.” this is too general of a statement and an absolute oversimplication in most cases. What one views as unacceptable to dismiss doesnt mean it is that way for all involved.
Ryan, Ryan, having been through this you are way off base. It is irrelevant to a particular question what a doubters status is regarding faith. If an ex-Mormon asks how it can be moral for prophets to commit statutory rape or if a faithful member reading and praying daily asks the question, it is the exact same question, deserving the same thoughtful answer. Saying “pray more” or “repent” is always a non-answer and a way to be judgmental and dismissive.
A lot of great points, however the cynical tone that the author takes towards the church is troubling and serves to undermine the message of tolerance and understanding. For instance, while I certainly agree that often times discussion in church isn’t as objective or stimulating as I would like it to be, referring to it as,”the correlated dribble that we get in our Sunday School classes” seems at best antagonistic. It also seems that the author thinks we should applaud loved ones for making choices we don’t agree with. The ability to understand one’s reason for leaving the church has to be a journey for those left behind as well. It is potentially harmful and certainly unrealistic to not allow oneself to express their concerns.
Still, a lot of good insight. Thanks Michael.
Sam,
To be fair, I’ve spent a lot of time in Sunday School classes, and the exact same conversations were had in various places. There’s only so many ways to teach the same content, and for people with deeper questions seeking more significant answers, “pray about it,” or “what it all boils down to is ‘was Joseph Smith a prophet’ if yes it’s all true,” are not good answers. I don’t see the way the author wrote it as condescending, maybe more blunt than some people would like, but respectful nonetheless.
I would argue though that there is a difference between expressing concern, “hey, we’ve missed you at church,” and making someone feel persecuted for feeling differently than you, “your life would be better and you’d have less problems if you just came back to church.” If you’re thinking no one would say that last one, well… you’re wrong. I’ve heard a lot worse than that.
Sam and Garret nailed it. It’s not anyone’s business why a person might harbor legitimate doubts about religion—unless that person expresses a desire to disclose such reasons. Thus, insensitive probing or inappropriate intimations accompanied by unsolicited advice demonstrate pride and arrogance by the one who attempts to help the “wayward soul.” Assumptions based merely on one’s perceived understanding are damaging and counter-productive. Additionally, such assumptions prejudge others absent any facts and thus automatically and thoughtlessly assign a person to any one or more of several negative categories. It’s shallow to assume one understands someone else’s motives and even more presumptuous to prescribe solutions to situations that one has little if any knowledge about or on the basis of a one-size-fits-all formula.
Very good, Mike. The pain during this time can be intolerable. In my experience (both as a doubter and a believer) kind, loving, accepting words and behavior are universal tools to help anyone in crisis. Whatever that crisis may be. Thanks for making this so real and applicable.
I have several children who have chosen not to be involved with the LDS church. I wish those with whom they come in contact would not be so judgmental so often. I love all my children, involved in the church or not. Many of Mike’s thoughts are spot on. I do not appreciate, however, his derogatory comments about some of the lessons, etc. They may not be the thing I should quote to those children not involved in the church, God, or anything I might personally value, but they are very often not drivel even if they are often simplistic. Respect should be given to both sides. It is not unusual for the one choosing a different path to feel the need to make fun of my path. I ask for the same respect I give them. I am not an idiot or stupid because I believe any more than they are for not believing as I do. Mutual respect and consideration, please!
Ginny, if there is one person that knows how to respect both sides it is Mike. Anyone that knows mike knows that he shows mutual respect and consideration for all who honestly seek truth. The correlated material that is produced by the church is whitewashed material that does little to provide true knowledge or in depth study.
These are so valid. As someone presently going through this I find myself frequently in situations where I wish the “ground rules” were the same for both sides. I try to be respectful, patient, vague in my explanations/reasons/responses in order to prevent hurt, and very careful in my wording only to find myself responded to with the exact opposite. The feeling that they “know” the truth leads them to run right over me and say whatever they want since they feel they have God’s stamp of approval to do so. It’s very discouraging to be on this end of it and almost impossible for them to accept that they are doing it!
Allison,
I am so happy you found the post applicable. Just an FYI, my bishop read the post and this coming Sunday, during the third hour I will be talking about how to help those that are struggling spiritually. The lesson will pretty much be this post. The hardest thing with a loss of faith is the loss of friends and family that sometimes go along with it.
Michael – I’m so glad you are going to have a chance to do that and I hope it goes well. So great that your Bishop asked you to share thoughts. I posted another comment earlier today to another post here but this portion seemed applicable to this in case it helps when you share perspectives from those that are in a faith crisis or have determined they need to leave. It is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to go through in my 45 yrs of living and I know it will continue to be so since we have children who are still active and all extended family that are active. “I embark on the painful, difficult, heart-wrenching journey of one leaving the faith they grew up with. How to be honest with those I love? How to share my experiences so that they can understand me at the same time being very mindful of what I say so not to damage their testimonies. I have no desire to draw others away from the church if it brings them happiness and yet when you leave you are in effect silenced from the ability to explain or share what’s brought you to this point, your perceptions or how you view life. It’s a silencing because you are no longer trusted, valued or respected in the same way…. even by those you love most.”
Alison,
Bless you. I am sorry for your pain. If you are interested, here is my story:
http://athoughtfulfaith.org/013-014-rationalfaiths-coms-michael-barker-on-faith-crisis-and-inoculation/