Never Let Me Go is a novel that follows the life of a group of kids in a boarding school. It’s a weird school. They don’t learn stuff. They mostly just play around and do artwork. You eventually learn that these kids are actually clones, and they were created so that their organs could be harvested for transplants. The outside world doesn’t believe they are real people. You find out that the reason they aren’t taught math and science and the like is because they don’t need it. They are there to serve the population at large, and anything that would teach them that they have another purpose is pointless.
The thing is… they don’t know that they aren’t real people. They feel like they are. They have real interests and passions and lives. Overtime as they learn what their purpose is many of them accept it. It is their role, the reason for their creation, and so it is just what they do. They forget that they could be more. Only a few fight for a real life, for something better… but I don’t want to ruin the book for you.
I read this book for the first time in the midst of the hardest part of my faith crisis. And all I could think was, this is me. I’ve been taught all my life what my role is, and that my personhood is only a thing insomuch that I actually exist to edify someone else’s more important, more real, personhood. I remember when I was young—a “fresh from Primary” Beehive—sitting in Young Women’s while the teacher talked about being exalted to Gods and having our own planets. (This was obviously back before the Church was clarifying that this is not a thing.) I remember wondering how that would work for me, exactly. Do I get my own planet? Will my future husband and I both create a planet? But I realized immediately that there wasn’t much of a precedent for that. While I knew of the existence of Heavenly Mother, I’d never learned if or how she played any role in earth’s creation or whether she had any active role in my life on it. So, that left me with the conclusion that my future husband would create the world and be exalted as the God of it, and that I would be … his wife. That’s it.
This was reinforced when I went through the temple in my early 20s. And there witnessed men covenanting directly with Heavenly Father to inherit all that he has, and women covenanting with their husbands to be … their wives. That’s it.
It would seem that I’m destined to be a supporting actress forever more. And let’s not forget that in the temple there is nary a mention of Heavenly Mother anywhere, so I still had no notion of what this supporting actress role is really supposed to look like.
Yet later, in my mid-20s, things were complicated further when I married a man who had been married—and sealed in the temple—once before. I am not only just “wife” but have become “second wife”. With or without our own planets, this makes me less than even an appendage, and more of an accessory. For all eternity.
And as much as the church has backed away from the idea that “celestial marriage” equals polygamy, we’re still institutionally set up for it. Men can be sealed to multiple living and/or dead partners (as is my husband’s case), but women cannot. Not only is this allowed for men, but they are actually *discouraged* from dissolving a previous sealing when remarrying. And when they do remarry, a letter of consent from the first wife is still a part of the process, just as in days of yore when polygamy was alive and well in the early church and the first wife had to give permission. So, you’ll forgive me if I’m not really buying that eternal polygamy isn’t a thing because it still very much LOOKS like a thing.
You’ll also forgive me if my Celestial Glory looks an awful lot like my Eternal Hell when it is framed this way.
Perhaps you can understand why I’m a Mormon Feminist. Please try to understand why I seek for the ordination of women, and 
for knowledge of my Heavenly Mother, and for a direct access to the powers of Heaven. Understand why I don’t accept this given role that means I’ll be traipsing around after my husband and his first wife for all eternity. I’m begging you to understand why I seek for more light and knowledge from the Lord’s Prophet on these issues, because I believe that is the only resource I have. Don’t tell me to search the scriptures; I have scoured them. Don’t tell me to pray about it; I have pleaded, beseeched and wearied the Lord, and that won’t end until I have answers. Please don’t ask me to be silent about this, because that is like asking me to walk around with a gaping wound in my chest but could I please not let anyone else see the blood. All I ask for is answers, but I can’t get the answers if you don’t let me ask the questions.
Please don’t tell me to have more faith. Instead ask yourself if you would have the faith to sit in the space that I sit and not move. In fact, my faith is that if I seek after the mysteries of God, they will be given. My faith is that if I knock, the doors will be opened. Sometimes I am hanging onto that faith with white knuckles, but I’m trying so desperately hard to not let it go.
And please, please don’t ask me to leave. This is the gospel I love and cherish. This is the place that I have learned about my Savior and have come to know Him. I love this church so much. But please understand, when you bring up me leaving it is far from the first time I’ve thought about it. I battle with making that heartbreaking decision all the time. Please don’t push me in that direction.
Please just understand that I believe I am a real, whole person. I exist for more than just to donate to others. I need to do more than just play around. I need to learn all the things that any real, whole person needs to learn. And I want to learn the truth of the feminine divine and exactly what it is that I aspire to be for the rest of eternity.
Leah Marie
Leah Marie earned a BA in Political Science, and a Masters in Public Administration. She is currently working towards her PhD in Public Policy. She is wife to an English professor, and mother to 3 beautiful boys.
All posts by Leah Marie
Beautifully articulated essay on behalf of many of us who have the same questions, the same yearnings, the same love for the Savior, the same faith, the same sadness, the same hope, and the same desire for “unique personhood.” THANK YOU, Leah. And Amen.
Excellent! I’m sharing this.
Beautifully and powerfully expressed. Thank you for sharing your story.
You’re my favorite.
I’ve read many articles on this topic, and this is by far the most effective and poignant for me. Thank you for giving concrete insight into your heart, which will better empower we men to walk a mile in your shoes (and eventually become allies).
I could not hope for more.
beautiful-
when I let go of becoming a ‘god’ and plural marriage, etc.–
I felt so free. I decided it was a huge life–
all of it. Yes, the ‘church’ still embraces the fundamentals (no pun intended) of plural marriage, and I think it’s outrageous, but I have nothing to say about it; I can boycott it in my own life–
well, unless I die, I guess–
*shudder*
I think it’s wrong, and I’ve felt a change in men who have added wives upon wives–
even in death, by sealing.
In the meantime, thank you–
your words are good; they are true.
It takes courage to say, “the history is something to be ashamed of, and *we* don’t have to go along with it now!”–
oops, huge “lie”–
This was beautiful. It articulates my thoughts and feelings in a way I never could. Thank you.
This essay is a jewel in your crown, Leah Marie. I think you’ve given voice to many sorrows that many LDS women feel, whether we say it aloud or not.
I’ve made peace and have found strength for myself within the church, by the grace of the Savior. But it has taken a lot of years and a lot of good women and men whose love, support, and compassion have nurtured me in very Christian ways.
Lately I’m feeling how fabulous it is to be a woman in the church. There is hope smiling brightly before us and our daughters and grand daughters (and sons and grandsons) will benefit from the legacy of this time of painful growth. I truly believe this. We are sharing in the restoration of greater light and truth. Messy, but glorious growth.
Thank you for sharing your heart and soul here. What a great way to begin a Sabbath. God bless you.
Thank you so much Melody. I want to share your vision of the future.
Amen.
This essay makes my heart break for you and all LDS women. Not because that is what you are asking for but because I have been there. I struggled with these very same questions and longings for 20 years. I have in the past few years found the truth for myself and have felt such relief to belong to a church establishment where I don’t have these soul crushing questions. I feel free to delve deeper into The Bible and it’s teachings and have such a strong faith in God and accept my place in the realm which I am currently residing. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and lead you to the truth I have found in sisterhood; but it is not for me to do. This is a path one has to find in their own time. I pray for women (and men) of faith everywhere. I was deeply touched by your words and hope and pray your soul is freed soon from these heavy burdens. Thank you for putting into words many others thoughts.
I glad that you have found some peace. Thanks for your kind words.
Never Let Me Go is one of my favorite books of all time. There is so much in it that I related to and I never thought about the idea of the clones existing to edify someone else’s life. I thought that was great.
Other ideas in the book that I felt related to my experience in the gospel
-They never talk about the important issues that they should talk about — the donations, how they feel about each other, things that drastically affect their lives. Are there things that we don’t talk about in our relgion that we really should?
-Social obligations and cultural conformity, Kathy who hasn’t donated yet is ostracized from Ruth and Tommy in a way because she can’t possibly relate to their experiences. Do we ostracize others in our community b/c they didn’t go on missions, aren’t married, didn’t go through the temple etc.
-Characters being willfully ignorant about the donations. Are we willfully ignorant about issues within our church and culture? Do we shy away from issues and ideas that make us uncomfortable?
I agree Caitlin, with all of it. Thanks for chiming in. I think there are so many parallels we can draw with the ways we “other” and push people into second class status-or handle being second classed, for that matter. I could’ve dedicated a whole post to each of those ideas.
Thank you, everyone, for the kind comments!! It is always heartening to know you’re not alone.
Leah, this is outstanding. The comparison of women to clones raised for organ harvesting is horrifying, but it’s so spot on. I also love your responses to responses you’ve gotten, like this:
“Don’t tell me to search the scriptures; I have scoured them. Don’t tell me to pray about it; I have pleaded, beseeched and wearied the Lord, and that won’t end until I have answers.”
So many responses to Mormon feminism are so trivializing. People don’t have the same concerns, and they can’t even imagine that anyone else could, so they’re completely dismissive. Excellent responses.
Absolutely beautiful! I love reading things you’ve written. You have such a wonderful way of clarifying so perfectly, where all I can say is, “Yes! Exactly what Leah said!”
I’m a 2nd wife myself (for the 2nd time…), so your view particularly resonates with me!
It doesn’t affect your article much, but it’s my understanding that the reason men have to get “clearance” is to make it more fair since women have to get a cancellation to be sealed again. I don’t think it’s at all related to the polygamy process of getting the 1st wife’s permission. My ex-husband’s 1st ex-wife had their sealing cancelled and is now sealed to someone else, but he’ll still need to get clearance if he ever pursues a sealing to his current(#5) or subsequent 😉 wife. I think men like him used to be able to get sealed again & again with no paperwork required, so the current men’s clearance process was designed to make it roughly equivalent to women’s process.
I didn’t know that! That’s interesting that the clearance is seen as making things more equal. Because really it just highlights the inequality. I mean, if they were looking at the processes and thinking, “Boy, this doesn’t seem fair!” why didn’t they just change things so that it was *actually* the same process for men and women. In not doing so, they’ve just reminded the women how very unequal we are.
When my dad (a former bishop) was explaining it to me, he said, “If you had dealt with as many bitter ex-wives as I have, you’d understand why they do this.”
That makes me think it was more a situation of “There! He has paperwork and a waiting period, too. Are you happy now?!” than “Boy, this doesn’t seem fair! How can we make it better?”
At the time, it was also unfair (in my opinion) because my (now ex-)husband’s 1st wife was able to be married for time only in the temple while waiting for her cancellation, but men waiting for clearance couldn’t be married civilly in the temple. Now, the policy has been further restricted so only widows who don’t want to cancel their prior sealings are able to be married in the temple for time only.
I love this. Thank you.
This is beautiful. As another “second wife”, (husband sealed to his first wife) Celestial Polygamy bugs the heck out of me too. I’m hoping they’ll work with us on cancelling the first sealing, but that doesn’t do anything about the frustration and pain and the inequality.