“That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine,
by the sleight of men,and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive…”
It is my duty to inform you about the cunning craftiness of men. It seems like you can’t hardly turn around these days without elbowing an apostate in the gut. When you do run into one of them, you’d better get away fast because they are contagious! How did they get that way? Let me start from the beginning.
When a faithful member is properly trained and indoctrinated, church-broke if you will, then they are in the safety zone. As long as they go to church, pay tithing and don’t drink coffee in public, they are beyond the reach of the Devil. When one of those dirty apostates tries to tell them something that’s not in the Book of Mormon or something from one of the lesser prophets, an actual physical change happens in their body. When a member hears legitimate doctrine from a proper source like Leviticus, it activates the God receivers in their brain. When they read or hear something from one of those apostates, it floods their system with a dangerous apostotoxin that blocks the God receivers. If the member doesn’t run away quickly, they are in danger of not recognizing truth when it is demanded of them. It might be tempting not to run away. They might hear something that sounds logical or something that makes them curious! A very dangerous condition indeed! Without the proper keys, Members simply can’t be trusted to “listen to the spirit.” For one thing, the Spirit is really really hard to hear and for another, he’s always running away. It’s much safer to steer clear of apostates and only believe the things you’re told to believe. Another problem is that it’s hard for members to recognize apostates so I’ll tell you how you can recognize them.
1- The men wear colored shirts to church and both men and women regularly expose their knees in public. Don’t even get me started about shoulders!
2- Men will wear neckties outside the acceptable color range like yellow, or even bowties! (shudder)
3- They may quote reasonably sounding principles from unapproved sources like Emerson, Shakespeare and J.K. Rowling.
4- They read tainted scripture on electronic devices rather than proving their worthiness by hauling around a five pound quad in a proper naugahide case.
5- They exhibit love for infidels like homosexuals, less- actives and smokers.
6- Perhaps the most sinister clue is that they appear to be happy despite their obvious deviance.
If you notice someone who exhibits three or more of these symptoms, steer clear, my friend!
Now all of this is very frightening and it should be, so you’re probably wondering how you can stay safe. Through my worthiness to discern, I’ve received the following steps:
1- Follow the right prophets to a “T”. Find out what kind of toothpaste they use and get it. Read every word that proceedeth out of them and obey it. It will probably get harder over time but it will totally be worth it when they get you into the secret upper levels of the Celestial kingdom.
2- Read the most correct scriptures and pray 16-20 times a day or more. More reading proves your worthiness. Don’t get confused by what the scriptures tell you to do, if you read them enough, you don’t really have to do anything else.
3- Pondering is dangerous, let your priesthood leaders do it for you.
4- Serve with caution. Make sure whomever you’re serving deserves it and make sure that plenty of people see you.
If you follow these simple rules, you’ll probably be safe. And if you stockpile food and ammo too, you’ll definitely be safe. After all, safety is the ultimate goal, right?