Cast:
(SP) Stake President
(Apostle) An apostle making his way through the land
(A) ‘Apostate’ man
(WM1,WM2,WM3) Ward Members one, two and three

Ward Members: (traipsing through the ward building, dragging around a non-descript looking man)We have found an apostate! (An apostate! An apostate!)
Excommunicate him excommunicate him!
(crowd bangs on Stake President’s door. He opens)
Ward Member 1: (to Stake President) We have found an apostate, may we excommunicate him?
(cheers)
Stake President: How do you known he is an apostate?
WM2: He looks like one!
SP: Bring him forward
Man: I’m not an apostate! I’m not an apostate!
SP: ehh… but you look like one.
A: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn’t… no.
A: And this isn’t my tattoo, it’s a false one.
(SP pushes up sleeve)
SP: Well?
WM1: Well we did do the tattoo
SP: The tattoo?
WM1: …And the cigarettes, but he is an apostate!
(all: yeah, excommunicate him excommunicate him!)
SP: Did you dress him up like this?
WM1: No! (no no… no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But he has got a blog!
(WM3 points at blog).
SP: What makes you think he is an apostate?
WM2: Well, he made me doubt!
SP: Doubt?!?!
(WM2 pauses & looks around)
WM2: What? I doubted my doubts.
(pause)
WM3: Excommunicate him anyway! (excommunicate him excommunicate him excommunicate!)
(Apostle walks in)
SP: There are ways of telling whether he is an apostate.
WM1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
SP: Tell me… what do you do with apostates?
WM3: Excommunicate ‘em! Cancel their baptismal records! (cancel! cancel! cancel)!
SP:And what do you excommunicate apart from apostates?
(pause)
WM2:More apostates!
(cheers from the crowd)
SP: But what do you before you excommunicate?
WM1: Cancel their Ensign subscription? (P2 nudges P1)
(pause)
SP: No, no, no, you hold a court.
(Ward members nod)
SP: But what kind of court?
(long pause)
WM2: Oooh, oooh, a court of love!
SP: Goooooood!
(crowd congratulates P2, who looks quite proud)
SP: So, how do we tell if he is an apostate?
WM1: Hold a court of love! Love him out of the church!
SP: Ahh, but can you not also not love the gays and their children out of the church?
WM1: Oh yeah…
SP: Tell me, what is needed for a court of love?
WM1: Tissues
WM3: Padded chairs!
WM1: Lots of men!! (yeah yeah!)
SP: Ah, but what also requires lots of men?
WM1: Elder’s Quorum
WM3: General Conference
WM2: The patriarchy!
(SP looks annoyed)
WM1: Scout camp
WM3: Fast offering collection!
WM1: Stake Conference parking
WM3: Home Teaching!!!
Apostle: (in booming voice) You need a Handbook!
(all turn and stare at Apostle)
SP: Exactly! So, logically…
WM1(thinking): If we can find a Handbook… we can hold a court of love!
SP: And therefore,
(pause & think)
WM3: He’s an apostate! (WM1: apostate)(WM2: apostate)(all: apostate!)
SP: Now, let’s go look in the bishop’s office under the candy jar!
(SP jumps down, ward members follow)

 

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James Patterson lives with his wife and two children in North Carolina. He makes no apologies for being an avid fan of both Duke basketball and Taylor Swift.

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