(SP) Stake President
(Apostle) An apostle making his way through the land
(A) ‘Apostate’ man
(WM1,WM2,WM3) Ward Members one, two and three

Ward Members: (traipsing through the ward building, dragging around a non-descript looking man)We have found an apostate! (An apostate! An apostate!)
Excommunicate him excommunicate him!
(crowd bangs on Stake President’s door. He opens)
Ward Member 1: (to Stake President) We have found an apostate, may we excommunicate him?
Stake President: How do you known he is an apostate?
WM2: He looks like one!
SP: Bring him forward
Man: I’m not an apostate! I’m not an apostate!
SP: ehh… but you look like one.
A: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn’t… no.
A: And this isn’t my tattoo, it’s a false one.
(SP pushes up sleeve)
SP: Well?
WM1: Well we did do the tattoo
SP: The tattoo?
WM1: …And the cigarettes, but he is an apostate!
(all: yeah, excommunicate him excommunicate him!)
SP: Did you dress him up like this?
WM1: No! (no no… no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But he has got a blog!
(WM3 points at blog).
SP: What makes you think he is an apostate?
WM2: Well, he made me doubt!
SP: Doubt?!?!
(WM2 pauses & looks around)
WM2: What? I doubted my doubts.
WM3: Excommunicate him anyway! (excommunicate him excommunicate him excommunicate!)
(Apostle walks in)
SP: There are ways of telling whether he is an apostate.
WM1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
SP: Tell me… what do you do with apostates?
WM3: Excommunicate ‘em! Cancel their baptismal records! (cancel! cancel! cancel)!
SP:And what do you excommunicate apart from apostates?
WM2:More apostates!
(cheers from the crowd)
SP: But what do you before you excommunicate?
WM1: Cancel their Ensign subscription? (P2 nudges P1)
SP: No, no, no, you hold a court.
(Ward members nod)
SP: But what kind of court?
(long pause)
WM2: Oooh, oooh, a court of love!
SP: Goooooood!
(crowd congratulates P2, who looks quite proud)
SP: So, how do we tell if he is an apostate?
WM1: Hold a court of love! Love him out of the church!
SP: Ahh, but can you not also not love the gays and their children out of the church?
WM1: Oh yeah…
SP: Tell me, what is needed for a court of love?
WM1: Tissues
WM3: Padded chairs!
WM1: Lots of men!! (yeah yeah!)
SP: Ah, but what also requires lots of men?
WM1: Elder’s Quorum
WM3: General Conference
WM2: The patriarchy!
(SP looks annoyed)
WM1: Scout camp
WM3: Fast offering collection!
WM1: Stake Conference parking
WM3: Home Teaching!!!
Apostle: (in booming voice) You need a Handbook!
(all turn and stare at Apostle)
SP: Exactly! So, logically…
WM1(thinking): If we can find a Handbook… we can hold a court of love!
SP: And therefore,
(pause & think)
WM3: He’s an apostate! (WM1: apostate)(WM2: apostate)(all: apostate!)
SP: Now, let’s go look in the bishop’s office under the candy jar!
(SP jumps down, ward members follow)


James Patterson lives with his wife and two children in North Carolina. He makes no apologies for being an avid fan of both Duke basketball and Taylor Swift.

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