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Interviews with LDS Relationship and Sexuality Counselor Dr. Finlayson-Fife
Here in the 19th installment of the “Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist” series Jennifer answers two more questions submitted from listeners, and both of them are about infidelity in marriage. One question comes from a man whose wife had an affair and the second is the inverse situation where the husband stepped out.
If you have a question for the good doctor you can comment below OR send an email to email@example.com
Music: Sugar Blues (Pubic Domain), and Flight of the Ginker by Doug Martin.
These questions and Jennifer’s responses I found very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for answering these tough questions. I too have struggled with trust after betrayal. I have also struggled with guilt from not being able to trust someone I have worked hard to forgive. He has implied that my lack of trust is me holding his mistakes over his head, which truly isn’t my intention. It was very helpful to hear you put into words exactly how I have felt about it. Sincere remorse and change needs to happen individually and as a couple in order to rebuild trust. Just confessing and saying the words “I’m sorry” is a start, but it’s okay to acknowledge there is work to be done after that in order to restore a true vulnerability and intimacy.
Due to a disability traditional roles of the man working and the women staying home has changed. First off let me say when my disability happened my wife was taking classes to (in a few years) have a career. I loved that but life threw a wrench into our plans. 4 years have now gone by, my wife works to supplement what I get from disability insurance. With me I must say I’m good with it, staying home. I’ll also say some days it it’s difficult and frustrating at what has happened. As for sex, well let’s just say it’s turned into a one trick poney. And it’s been the same trick for the past four years. We have sex 1-2 times a week, sometimesits less like 2-3 times per month. I can’t complain. Due to my disability I leave most of the sex stuff to my wife. She usually initiates because she has to work early in the morning and in the past I felt like I had taken advantage of her kindness and willingness. So lately she’s been able to explore her sexuality. Only thing is she treats sex like she checking something off her to do list. “Tuesday night-have sex with husband so he shuts up and his need are taken care of.” I hate that she looks at me like that. Hopefully she doesn’t but it feels that way. I’ve brought how I feel up to her and she basically says I’m making stuff up and just trying to be mean to her.
Sometimes she even uses sex to get what she wants or tantsme with it. She’ll be playful and flirtatious all day then come bed time, after I’ve done my best to do what she’d like, she’s too tired to have sex or we stayed up too late to have sex. I’d like to note she usually (do to her getting up early) picks what we watch and how long we watch at night after the kids go to bed(8pm). Sometimes I’ll say we should go to bed and she just looks at me and says she’s not tired yet. Then she says she’s has to go to bed because it’s late. I fear she’s boared with me or truly doesn’t like sex but she won’t tell me. I know I have a higher desire then she does but because she usually has no desire I’ve had a difficult time getting up to “meet the needs”. Is she just with me and pleading me because it easier then splitting with young kids or is this really a thing where some people have absolutely no desire?
I’ve felt for years I’m not doing something right or I need to do.
In episode 8 the idea of language in the bedroom is briefly discussed but a conclusion is never made. I’m curious to know the dr’s thoughts on this. We are good members of the church, both hold “high” callings and don’t use vulgar language on a day to day basis. But, we do in the bedroom. It’s a turn on for both of us and it’s “our little secret.” I’m curious to know what the conference talk that was referenced in the podcast says (I can’t seem to find it online) and if there is doctrine to back up the idea of not using it
My personal take is that it’s between us and we feel like it’s okay but if there is doctrine to suggest otherwise I’d love to know more.
Hello do you reply privately to emails or only publicly?
Only publicly on this forum