In the past couple of months on Rational Faiths, we’ve been hearing a lot about the temple sealing ceremony and the role it plays as a part of LDS weddings. We’ve heard a lot from members overseas about the benefits of having separate sealings and wedding ceremonies as is required by their countries’ laws. It has been making me feel a little bit sad and a little bit frustrated… but mostly because it has been making me feel a lot of envy.
Let me explain. (No, there is too much. Let me sum up.)
I graduated from BYU single (after living in Provo for seven years) and married at the age of 26. I had been to many, many of my friends’ weddings by the time I had my own. And there was a theme in many of those weddings, that as I was planning my own, I was anxious to avoid. That theme was stress, confusion, and distraction. I can’t tell you how many sealings I’ve sat in where I watched an agitated bride and groom, as they tried to focus on what was happening. And post sealing they are whisked away to continue the festivities, without having the time to stop and consider the eternal nature of what they’ve just done. It has just always felt rushed to me. Anti-climactic somehow, as though the wedding cake were more important than the wedding ceremony.
So when I was planning my own wedding, I switched everything up in an effort to create a certain atmosphere for the sealing ceremony I wanted to experience. I held my reception the night before the sealing ceremony. We had a small brunch the morning of, followed by pictures and all that jazz. The sealing was the last thing on the agenda, and after that we were able to get in the car and drive off to the honeymoon. The idea was that by the time we reached the temple, everything else would be over and there would be nothing to stress and worry about. We could just focus on the matter at hand and then go away together and just be together. We’d have some time to ponder the commitment we’d just made to each other.
But wouldn’t you know it, in the quiet moments sitting with my fiancé in the celestial room just before the ceremony we barely had it in us to concentrate on what was about to happen. Instead we were feeling exhausted and frustrated by our encounters with family and friends and had the general feeling that we were maybe the only ones trying to focus on the main event… which was really keeping us from focusing on the main event. That time in the celestial room before the ceremony that was meant to be a moment of reflection for us, turned into me trying to convince my distraught soon-to-be-husband that all of my family didn’t hate him, and underneath it all they were really glad we were getting married. The ceremony itself feels like a blur, because I was—despite all of my efforts to have a different experience—so very distracted. (Although, we do remember that our sealer had a crooked forefinger and kept waving it at us when he was trying to make a point.) We felt more relief than joy when we finally drove away from the temple.
Don’t get me wrong. There has been much joy since that day, and I kind of believe that the wedding ceremony is the least important part of getting married. It is what you do with it in all of the years and eternities, after that day that counts. My husband is wonderful and my marriage is amazing, we have a great relationship with both of our families (my husband feels blessed to have the in-laws that he does), and in the end I don’t really think how the sealing went down is what matters, just that it went down at all.
But still. When I read these stories about sealing ceremonies that were separate and special—special because they were separate—I just feel jealous. It never even occurred to me that I could do such a thing. Of course I could have, and I even knew that in other countries it was done that way. For some reason it just never crossed my mind to insist on it for myself. Probably because there is this pervasive idea among (US) LDS culture that if we have a civil ceremony we are down-playing the importance of the sealing ceremony. People applaud the combo wedding because they say it sends the right message to outsiders, that the sealing ceremony is the most important thing of all. That is erroneous, of course. “Outsiders” don’t get to see or even hear about what happens in the sealing ceremony and so it will never seem important to them. Only exclusionary. I know, without any doubt, that the family members and friends I had standing outside the temple weren’t in awe of the awesomeness of me getting married inside. It made very little impact on them at all. Because of the way we shaped our agenda, many of them didn’t even stick around, because there was no celebration to be had afterward. Talk about anti-climactic.
If we had chosen a civil ceremony, there would have been fall out of course. We would’ve been told we had to wait a year before the sealing ceremony could take place. (Why? I don’t know. We were both worthy and ready; that is a pointless policy that seems to only apply to US couples.) People would have made all kinds of assumptions about why we’d done that and rumors would have abounded. But I’m always going to wonder whether we should have taken that risk and whether the sealing ceremony would’ve been more like I wanted it if we had held the events separately.
I can’t help but compare it to my own endowment, which was separate. I went through the temple for the first time two years before I got married, so there was no connection there. Neither was it connected to going on a mission, for the record. I just wanted to—and was ready to—work out my own salvation. I knew that was somewhat controversial at the time, because I had friends whose bishops and stake presidents were telling them that they weren’t “allowed” to go through the temple unless they were getting married or going on a mission. Which is inaccurate and ridiculous, and I was blessed my bishop had no such notion. And when it comes down to it, I felt like my endowment was made even more special because it wasn’t connected to a wedding. Its only purpose was me making covenants I needed to make, and it was a day for me and me alone. I wish I could’ve seen the sealing ceremony the same way, as more special when not connected to a wedding. As more special because it was a day for me and my husband, and the sacred covenants that we needed to make. I see it now, but of course it’s too late.
Leah Marie
Leah Marie earned a BA in Political Science, and a Masters in Public Administration. She is currently working towards her PhD in Public Policy. She is wife to an English professor, and mother to 3 beautiful boys.
All posts by Leah Marie
Leah, thank you so much for those words – they really put things into perspective. Just so you don’t feel so alone, we Canadians are given the one year wait penalty too and so are members in Mexico, South Africa, Germany and many other places where the law allows for a private/non public ceremony.
As soon as the marriage laws in a country allow the whole event to be legally recognized as it occurs in a temple, then those members are under the same penalty.
I have spoken to many people since we began the petition to the church, who feel as you do, that it is sacred and special when it is an ordinance set apart from all others. I’m from the UK originally so I know many people who feel as you do.
Thanks for clarifying that Jean. I did, once upon a time, know that about other countries where the laws allow for temple sealings to count as legal marriages. I was just being too melodramatic to acknowledge it, I guess. 😉
Great post Leah! Thank you for this essay.
Leah, that was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I’m sending this link to a few of my family members.
Not melodramatic my dear, just sharing the way YOU feel about it. It really was very tender; I loved it.
An important aspect of the LDS experience is that in the ‘choke points’ of life (marriages, funerals, other minor items)Your participation is EXTREMELY de-personalized. I just can’t see that this isn’t a part of the strategy/tactics to keep the sheeple in line. Conformance & Control, that’s what being LDS is about.
Great essay. You brought up some interesting points that I hadn’t thought of before. I have often wondered about the whole “wait a year” policy when both members of the couple are worthy. But a great essay, and I agree, the rush and stress of the day can take away from what’s most important.
Just to mention, if you live close enough in Britan, you tend to be expected to get to the temple for the sealing on the same day, so it does make for a very long day. The wedding tends to be in the morning at about 10am, followed by a reception, and then perhaps up to a 3 hr drive to the temple. Back in my parent’s day, you went a week later on account of the roads weren’t so good as they are now. The temple stays open on a Saturday evening solely to do sealings I think.
Hedgehog, it IS a long day and that is not necessary either.
Why does the church have THAT policy?
Is there an individual in leadership who can or does make exceptions to that rule? Why not?
Why does the church make arbitrary polices that tend to create long or sadness filled days?
I don’t think it would really make any difference to God if you waited until the next day or the next week – I just don’t think he wants to make our lives harder or sadder.
A worthy couple has the right to choose the date for their own personal sealing – it is called moral agency.
Jean, I think it’s all about getting the sealing done as soon as is possible. I don’t know who gets to call the shots. So for mine, I’d hardly slept the night before (I never used to sleep Christmas Eve either), had had a long day, then massive traffic problems, so by the time we reached the temple I had a bad migraine. Still, we were sealed. And I would still have chosen that, even if I’d known in advance, because I just like to get things out of the way.
I do know when the London Temple was undergoing rennovation, before the Preston the Preston Temple was built, a lot of people had their honeymoon in Frankfurt.
Hedgehog – I understand that, though I have to say, it doesn’t sound very spiritual to say,
“I just like to get things out of the way.” It sounds a bit like, I always like to take out the garbage last thing at night because I like to get things out of the way:)
I think Leah’s idea of having a special time ‘just’ for the sealing tends to be more to the point of being sealed for eternity.
I’m sorry you had to go through that with a migraine – any one of us might have experienced that and there would be no way that most of us would call off a wedding or a sealing.
I’m sure it is about getting it done right away as far as the brethren are concerned. My question is WHY?
Making an informed choice is important, so my position is this: give people a reason why they must be sealed the same day; why they must not have a civil ceremony before a temple sealing. If we are not given good reasons then we are simply being blindly obedient to a policy that has the potential for being a painful and stressful day. Not the best way to unite a couple and give due respect to their loved ones.
I get your points Jean. No answers though. And it would have to be a pretty serious illness that anyone would cancel a wedding for. I don’t suppose it sounds very spiritual the way I described it. I guess I see the whole ordinance thing as so many hoops to jump through. I can appreciate the necessity, but I’m not really a romantic. I get kind of irritated with the whole mirrors thing for instance, though I get the symbolism. I really learn more by reading. What would have helped would be to get to read the text of the ceremony.
I like the idea of separating the wedding festivities from the sealing, as well as separating the endowment from the wedding/sealing. I just had the thought though, what if someone got sealed first, then went on their honeymoon right after, then had the reception party stuff a few months later? That would separate it too. The sealing would make it official for the couple, and they could do a civil wedding later for the family. Just a thought.
Why bother with a later civil wedding when you already got sealed/married too in the US and some other countries? The families want and deserve to be there for the actual wedding. They don’t want the consolation prize when they deserve the gold medal for raising their kids or being related to the couple.
I realize that your thinking is trying to come up with a different scenario that would work.
Do you see how easy that solution is?
If the church would just drop the one year penalty which doesn’t need to be in place anyhow, then everyone could enjoy the wedding and reception. At a point in time where the couple is ready for the temple ordinance that is what becomes yet another special day for them.
I think – as Jean intimated – that this still leaves something out. In an effort to address my desire to make the sealing ceremony less hectic and more special, I think that would’ve worked, though. I might’ve gotten more of what I wanted with this scenario.
But for people who want or need to have a wedding that all of their family and friends can attend, well… ditto to what Jean said.
Also, the church disallows a civil ceremony or any other kind of mock marriage after the temple sealing. See Church Handbook of Instructions 2010.
In Britain the temple sealing is the only part that is not controlled by the law. The marriage must be performed in a chapel or other place with a marriage officer/registrar on site.
No rights are withheld from the church to perform any religious rites, but marriage is a legal thing not a religious one.
I did exactly that and it doesn’t make it any better. There was a month between my sealing and my ring ceremony-reception and we were both previously endowed as well. Like Leah I went though because I was worthy and ready, not because of marriage or a mission and I wish EVERYONE would do that! But that’s another discussion for a different time.
Doing the sealing first, even with the time difference didn’t help because I still had everything else to worry about after. It also still hurt my nonmember family members with whom I had all been very close. My husband and I agree that if we had it to do over we would have chosen a civil wedding and just waited a year.
As I’ve gotten older I actually like the idea of making ALL couples wait to be sealed honestly. Too many people are getting divorced a couple of years in and I think it takes away from the sacred nature of the sealing covenant when so many people are discarding it so quickly and being sealed multiple times. I think if couples were required to take a year, or 2 (or 5) to work on themselves as a couple and build their understanding of the sacred Temple covenants we would see less divorce in general, but definitely less Temple ‘divorce’ (cancellations and clearances). I like the idea of a couple working together to be worthy of a sealing the same way we have to work as individuals to be worthy to receive our endowment. You appreciate things more when you have to work for them. Our current system in the church kind of degrades the sacred nature of the sealing ordinance by conflating it with our cultural notions of marriage -which, in the US, is a ‘throw away’ culture. Giving a couple a sealing without them demonstrating a commitment to their marriage is like giving someone an A on the test before they even start it. If you want an A you need to study and earn it; if you want the chance to be together forever, spend a little time proving it! I’m not saying it would eliminate divorce, but I do think it would decrease divorce in the first few years of marriage and would also help encourage people to remain active in those critical young adult years.
In any case, I hate the current double standard that requires some couples to wait a year before being sealed if they are married civilly, but allows others to be sealed how ever soon after they choose. If it was a decree from Heavenly Father that a marriage and sealing take place at the same time to avoid ‘punishment’ then ALL couples should have to wait. Clearly this is not the case, so it is also clear this year penalty is not doctrinally based, but policy based. For a church that claims to be all about family the current policy is very, very divisive and does nothing to bring anyone involved closer to Christ. Whether the waiting period is removed for everyone or whether everyone has to wait a time to be sealed, some kind of change to the current system is needed.
Interestingly, Joseph Smith taught that marriages should be held publicly, but that part of the Doctrine and Covenants has been gone for a very long time now. Maybe we should revisit that teaching.
Love your comment Meg – great insights.
“Our current system in the church kind of degrades the sacred nature of the sealing ordinance by conflating it with our cultural notions of marriage -which, in the US, is a ‘throw away’ culture. Giving a couple a sealing without them demonstrating a commitment to their marriage is like giving someone an A on the test before they even start it. If you want an A you need to study and earn it; if you want the chance to be together forever, spend a little time proving it!”
THAT is an excellent point! Thank you!
My daughter attends BYU, and she’s been to her share of weddings. Almost all of them are now having a ring ceremony after the sealing. It’s usually held in the evening and “officiated” by anyone the couple chooses. While I wholeheartedly agree that the 1 year “punishment” period for having a civil wedding first should be done away with, I’m pleased to see so many young Mormon kids just doing what they want and having a civil ceremony anyway. No one can really stop them from having a ceremony after the sealing anyway.
I think you are heading up the right track there Danielle, with your comments about young people doing what they want.
The thing is though while nobody can stop a couple from having a ceremony after, the one in the temple is both a marriage and a sealing conflated into one. If they hold another ‘civil ceremony’ after they would be duplicating the marriage part.
I think that they wouldn’t be allowed another marriage license. ‘A civil marriage ceremony’ is the thing I’m talking about, not a mock ceremony after the wedding has taken place.
That is what insults non-members so very much. It hurts them. No matter what a person’s religious affiliation is, they all bleed, cry and love as Mormons do and it is so cruel to deny them the honor of witnessing the marriage ceremony of one of their children.
Here in Brazil we have two separated ceremonies: one civil at the chapel, for family members and friends, including those not members of the Church, and the sealing ceremony at the Temple, as an exclusive ceremony for the couple to be sealed.